How and when do you tell your kids they are adopted?

Question

I am the mother of 4 children ages 8, 6, 4 and 2 months. My 2 oldest children were a product of my first marraige. My first husband was a real SOB to say the least. He was hardly involved with our kids when we were together and basically disappeared and signed away his parental rights when I left him. My current husband and I got together soon after the breakup of my 1st marraige. My 2 children were very young (both under 2) They both think that my current husband is their Dad and he adopted them legally about 5 years ago. I know that I will have to tell my 2 oldest kids about all this at some point. I am just not sure when is the right age and how to do it. I don't want them to feel bad since we also have other children that are biologically my husbands. I also don't want to "bad mouth" their biological father (although that is virtually impossible to explain without telling them what a useless loser that didnt want them he is) what is the right age and way to explain it?

Answer 1

the right age is at the point that the youngest child turns 18. The most important thing to instill in them that the man they know as their Dad is their real Dad. He is the man that loved them unconditionally. For the reasons of health genetics you need them to be aware of who the bio father is, but don not bad mouth the guy to them when you tell them. They need to have the opportunity to make the decision on his low character themselves. They will see him for what he is, and they will understand that he is a looser in the long run.
As far as the best way to tell them, just tell them that you was young when you met the guy, and hat you made a mistake in choosing your husband. That is after all the truth, and the truth will set you free. Don't go into details as this will cause them to have doubts in you, and that is a bag of worms that you and they don't need.
Keep it simple and be straight forward and reinforce to them who their real Dad is, the MAN that raised them. Congradulations to you, your husband, and all of your children for being in a loving and caring family!

Answer 2

im not sure what age u should start explaining...but nevertheless u should do the explaining no matter what (before somebody else slips up and they will find out on their own), and especially since its on your mind lately that sort of nagging wont go away.

to put it more bluntly, its important for you to tell your children the truth steming from the history of your old relationship. your children are a product of that history aren't they? so, there's no use hiding behind a curtain it wouldn't be fair to your children. personally, i would wait at a time when the children are mature to understand revealing the differences between their two dad(s): one is a FATHER and one is not. and that the differences between the two men are: one loves u and the other didn't. anyway, before u go thru all that i think u should find their father first and share with him what has been nagging u. involving him would be better because one day u might not have answers to what's nagging your children that only he can answer. so it'll do u some good to include him. if their father still is a sonofabitch then even telling your children how u actively pursued him and yet he still turned away will do u some justice, u dig? it's not your fault and the kids should know it. Goodluck!

Answer 3

great question! I am the mother of 7 adopted children, although our stories are not the same i feel that they are similar enough that i felt qualified to answer your question so i hope it helps! Our first 3 were adopted as older children so they all knew, but our four year old son was adopted when he was 8 months old. we decided that we would just talk about it casually every once in a while so there would never be a moment when we would have to tell him. he know he has a birth mother and a birth father and that they were not able to take care of a baby at this time in their life. we have a few pictures that he wants to see once in a while and we answer his questions as the come up (but it is not very often) i hear him talking about it more with is sister who we have just adopted along with her little brother and sister. they have been with us for almost 2 years. So my suggestion is to just start talking
the sooner the better! they wont take it has hard when they are young..it will just be the way it is..just a fact..just information
no big deal
they are much more accepting at a young age. there may be doubts and concerns and confusion at first since they really dont get the whole birth thing so young but they will get it eventually.
just make sure that you include the other shildren in the conversation too and let them know that are are not any less both of your children than the other kids. and that this is they way God wanted your family to be. That this other man was supposed to be their birth father but that your husband was supposed to be their daddy! If they ask why he is not in thier lives any more just tell them that he doesnt know how to be a daddy and that he loved them enough to give them to a daddy who wanted then sooooo much and couldent wait to be a daddy! It may leave a bad taste in your mouth but it is totally worth it!!!
my older kids know what loser parents they had and it was really hard at first when the youngest of that group at the time was five would ask me why her mommy did drugs while she was pregnant with her when she knew it would hurt her?
talk about heart wrenching!!! any ways, sorry if im rambling and i hope this helps!!! Good Luck!!!

Answer 4

When you notice that they start to feel left out, lonely or complain of feeling empty (it usually starts at about 17/18 yrs), sit them both down at the same time and tell them the WHOLE story. I found out at a very young age that i was adopted by my godparents cos my own folks are divorced and it was difficult for everybody. I rebelled against them, felt cold and lonely, and found it difficult to get along with everybody in the family.
All that i'm saying is that you shouldn't guard them against the cruel world, but don't make them feel as though they're outsiders. When they start "searching", sit them down and tell them the truth. They may not like it, but they will understand one day. I did.

Answer 5

Well, I am adopted, I am 34. Your situation is alittle different than mine but, my mom told me when I was real little. I asked her why she had brown hair and eyes, and I have blonde hair and blue eyes. Then she told me she picked me specially.I was what she wanted. I was taken from the hospital right when I was born. They don't know the parents. It was through an agency. I never was bothered by it. They are my parents. But I definetly think you should tell them while they are young, before they really do understand. So they do not feel decieved. Good Luck

Answer 6

I'm in my early 20's. I found out today I'd be pretty angry. I think the sooner the better. Why would you say adopted when you should just say that your current isn't their real dad and that your new husband is the step dad?

Answer 7

now is the right age, and you don't have to tell them that he was a looser, just explain to them that he was not ready to be a daddy, and that he knew that your new husband would be a very good daddy to them, so he let him take them to raise and to love. You don't have to say anything bad, if you do, it might come back on you one day, when they are older. They are old enough to understand what is going on, if you make it simple for them...

Answer 8

i grow to be accompanied and that i've got continually time-honored. Telling a new child later that they are accompanied is HARSH. My mothers and fathers celebrated my 'huge day' each 3 hundred and sixty 5 days....i'm 36 now and we nonetheless rejoice! They made it a marvelous element. it is going to never be a secret or some thing that's hidden - that provides a unfavorable connotation to it. Please tell. all people accompanied babies deserve that.

Answer 9

my sister was killed ,murdered and her son was not yet 2 and you will know when its time ,me and hubby adopted him ,his real dad didnt want him at all ,he had left his mom along time before she was murdered ,so Harley my son .at 6 ask me mommy when I was in your tummy did you wish I was a girl ,now he knows he has a mom in heaven ,because he has older brothers that has told him of her death .I started to change the subject and decided to try to explain it to him .and I showed him her picture and said baby I was there when you was born but you was in mommy kims tummy not mine ,he said oh no and dropped his little head .but Yours is not as bad no murder ,he was my nephew .So what im trying to say a day will come when they ask ,just be honest .not something you have to tell them until they ask .good luck and God Bless you and yours .

Answer 10

i think you should do it now because children tend to comprehend more than you think i think you are just scared of the out come but remember you have to be strong for them and if your x really isn't involved then tell them everything before they really end up hating you just pray on it good luck