Just the right amount of nicotine to exhale you out of my mind
Memories enscribed on swirling smoke
Ashes float down in to the cup of once clean water
Grey burnt specks floating on top but never going deeper until the water is disrupted
Black Breath in white breath out
Cigarette paper burns back exposing bare anger
Just the right amount of nicotine to exhale you out of my mind
Will it change anything?
2006-08-22 18:06:16 · 12 answers · asked by Katy 1 in Food & Drink ➔ Cooking & Recipes
tis o.k.
2006-08-22 18:14:36 · answer #1 · answered by sassy brat 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think your headed down the right track. The poem is good although it is lacking a little something. The reader finishes the poem on an empty note. You should try to add more emotion into it. Figure out what message you want to give to the reader. Perhaps incorporate a personal experience or emotion into it.
Good Luck!
2006-08-23 01:41:22 · answer #2 · answered by dOoWoPaDoO 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your PROSE is'nt the Best , Hon, but
The Content & Story is GREAT ! !
When-Ever I was broken Hearted ~
I Would Smoke One after another...
& drink Beer to make Me Forget
Your portrait of Loss is Realistically portrayed
by the ashes that are Left...
NO It doesn't Change Anything !
But It's an ENDING.
MOVE ON . SMOKE & SMILE !
2006-08-23 04:30:35 · answer #3 · answered by Always Curious 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Good descriptive language, but I think some stanzas are out of place.
Here is one as a response to your poem: written by me
STRIKE A MATCH, YOU HAVE A LIT CIGARETTE
DO THIS AGAIN AND AGAIN, AND ALL YOU HAVE IS REGRET
GETTING SOMEONE OUT OF YOUR MIND IS EASY
IT DOES NOT TAKE A CIGARETTE TO MAKE YOU QUEASY
IF YOU WANT TO GET RID OF MEMORIES BAD
DON'T CRY, SMOKE, OR BE SAD
STRIKE A MATCH AND BURN THEIR HOUSE DOWN
NOW HAVE A SEAT AND DRINK SOME COKE AND CROWN
How was that? Drop a note if you liked it.
2006-08-23 01:31:49 · answer #4 · answered by Loc P 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I like your poem. I think you should re-word the sentence that starts "Grey burnt specks..." though. The poem is open-ended : "Will it change anything?" You should elude to what should be or what you want changed and i think this poem would be more powerful.
2006-08-23 01:12:03 · answer #5 · answered by ScotOS 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
good try.. anyways just decide wat u wanna say and go ahead with it.. no need to use big words to try and amke a poem sound good..
keep trying i tell u..
for every attempt is something new..
if nicotine and smoke have had their say..
alcohol and a high is not far away..
memories are not so easy to lose..
they just stick on and to die refuse
so better start afresh a life all new
get something new and forget in time due
2006-08-23 01:15:13 · answer #6 · answered by Calvin 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well it's defiantly different. I'd say you have potential. I'm gonna give you a B+. Job well done soldier.
2006-08-23 01:10:17 · answer #7 · answered by kitty_kats06 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Good poem.
I liked it.
Good job.
Start writing more.
It good practice and maybe someday you can make a book and it can maybe become a best seller.
2006-08-23 01:50:15 · answer #8 · answered by RiotTabGrrrl 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
sucks
2006-08-23 01:12:56 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it was fine ,
2006-08-23 01:13:36 · answer #10 · answered by College Student 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
definitely NO
2006-08-23 01:12:41 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋