Do some stepparents never grow to like their stepkids?

Question

I have 3 stepkids and if I am honest, I don't really like any of them.
The oldest daughter(13) is smartmouthed, a know-it-all, and a bully to the others. The youngest daughter(10) has been spoiled rotten by her mom and stepdad, and usually calls my husband by his name or her "stepdad, not her real dad", even though she knows that he is her real dad. His son (12) lives with us and has a really bad temper and attitude, he has made it very clear to me that "his dad is his only parent, and he doesn't have to listen to anything I say". Him and the oldest have both disrespected me and my husband both. The girls won't come over unless we are spending money on them and the son is constantly asking "Can you buy me this?" We are not rich! I am afraid that with the way I feel now, that I will never grow to like these kids. Right now, and I hate to admit this, but I dread having all three of them over here. Will this get better as they get older, or will I never like them?

I keep getting asked why I married a man with kids if I wasn't preparred to accept them. Well when I met him he had not seen his kids for a year and he didn't see them again until last summer (long story, but it was both his and his ex-wifes fault), so basically I knew he had kids but they were not around so I never even met them until last summer. I have stepped up and become the full time "mom" in my stepsons life, since his own mom doesn't want him, so I am not the wicked step mom that some of you are making me out to be. I am not mean to these kids. They have never even given me a chance. I am their dads wife and that is all I am to them, so don't judge me so harshly when you only know about 10% of the situation.

Answer 1

Been there, done that. I found the way to get over my negative feelings about my stepsons was to spend time with them alone. They were ages 7 and 8 when we married. My daughter was 6. All 5 of us together was too stressful for me in the beginning. However, I discovered that when I spent time alone with each child things improved greatly. With my husband present, the stress would start again. So I avoided the crowd scene and focused on each child alone. Today, after 23 years of marriage, I can honestly say that the boys and I feel real affection for each other. Try to see the kids as individuals and not just as your husband's kids. Right now you are viewing them through your resentment of being the second wife. Relax. The kids really are the innocent party. The first time one of my stepsons sent me a Mother's Day card saying that he loved me as much as his real mom, I knew that I had done the right thing...even when I didn't feel like it. Good luck to you and your family.

Answer 2

First I want to say the biggest problem is the age, 13, 12, and 10....believe it or not even bratty kids grow out of it. You happen to be in their lives at a ackward time for all of them. Maybe some counseling would work. Or maybe you can find one thing that they like and make it a priority to do it one on one with each of them. I know this must be hard but for their sakes try as hard as you can. They are children and the adults in their lives have let them down. Kids need boundaries and they respect you if you set them and keep them. If they misbehave take something away from them that matters such as video games, dvd's. The only way to gain their respect is for you to respect them as well. Im not an expert but I raised two children and now Im raising my two grandchildren. Setting limits made all the difference with my grandchildren as I got them in December and their ages are 2 and 3. Good luck and hang in there I promise it will get better. But you and your husband need to sit down together and decide what is acceptable behavior and what isnt and stick with it. Good luck!!!

Answer 3

I have to come at this from the other side, because I lived it. My oldest daughter was a step child to my husband. I am going to try to be civil here, because I know the hurt and anger I feel over this really has nothing to do with you personally. Try to remember, you are the one who has walked into the lives of these hurting children, and they have no reason to accept you. You are not a parent, you are a spouse. You have been forced on them, and are taking away time from their daddy, who they love and need. Yes it sounds like these kids are behaving like perfect brats, and that probably won't change any time soon, they are young and hurting, healing will take years and years. Any time you can put forward anything positive, even just a word, a smile, you are investing in a rewarding relationship in the years to come. Don't expect them to like you, you will be rejected, and treated rudely for a while, but these kids are angry, and they have no control over their lives, they have lost a lot, you are the adult here, not them. They want their parents, you are in the way. Go in knowing the whole thing is terrible for them, and they are just behaving like children. They will grow up, and who knows, you may not like them then either, but they will just get more and more independant and at the very least you will see less of them. In the mean time, don't be just another adult in their lives who treats them like they are a not worth the time of day, much less a little stability. Be patient, be willing, when you can't take it, to walk away. Take up walking, let them have time alone with their dad whenever possible, they will be an interruption in your life, accept that.

Answer 4

You married into an instant family Im afraid. DFue to their ages- it will be very hard for the kids to accept punishments from you. Your husband needs to sit them down and tell them to cut the crap and give you the respect you deserve. The kids arent really bad kids, they still hold out hope that one day their parents will get together again and thats normal! So they see you as an intruder- as you r the only thing standing in the way of their parents getting together. Divorce is rough and hell on kids too. Your hubby needs to step up to the plate and talk with them calmly and honestly putting all the cards on the table and letting them express their feelings without being grounded for them! I can imagine it will be HARD to develop a bond with a child that is not yours- that comes into your life as teenagers and they seem to not need you at all. If they had been younger- it would have made it easier all the way around for you! But its normal to not have a bond with them. I would say take the son that lives with you and get to know him. Make one day a week yours and his day! Take him to lunch- just the two of you- shopping- mall- movies..... Let him know- u r there for him if he needs you. Just get to know him and make an effort to show him he is important to u and I think u might be surprised that you will develop a bond with him. HE STILL NEEDS YOU he is only 12. Good luck to you and keep your chin up! Tell hubby to get with the program and talk with the kids!

Answer 5

Truth is-They're just being teen agers.You,Your husband and The Other Mother and stepfather should sit down and talk on how all of you are going to raise these kids.

Then Bring them in and let them see a united front.However crazy the other half may be-It is important to come together as the parents and be adult for their sake.Once they see all of you talking..they'll be scared shitless.Be open and honest.Have weekly family meeting and be the first to open communication with the other side.

They are out of control.They are also teenagers.They Rebel and push boundaries.That is their job.That is what it is most important to make sure they receive constant and consistent direction.

Answer 6

They're at a bad age right now, they'd sass off to anyone. I felt kind of the same way with my own stepkids, and the best advice I have gotten was: Do the opposite of whatever you feel like doing. If you feel like strangling them, give them a hug. When you want to say I hate you, say I love you (even if you don't mean it, eventually if you keep saying it you will)
It'll take a long time, but eventually they will respect you more.

Answer 7

Wow that situation really sounds like it sucks...

But the majority of the reason you don't like them is probably because they don't like YOU. (They can also usually tell If you don't like them... so it's kind of a back-and-forth...) Speaking from experience, It's VERY hard to get used to or ever like a step parent. Either they'll eventually get used to you and get over it, or keep fighting until they can't fight anymore.

It's a terrible cycle, I know. But thats how kids are. They don't like replacement parents. =[

It definetly SHOULD get better as they get older, but maybe not for awhile.

Best of luck with this.

Answer 8

May I ask why you married a man whose children you do not like?

They must come first with him, not you. Their lives have been damaged severely and having to cope with you is a total drag - no matter who you are and how nice you are - and a constant reminder of the agony they feel that their home was destroyed.

"How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" is an excellent book about how to, well you know!

My nieces have never ever ever warmed up to their step-mom, but they love their step-dad. Why? Because step-mom is a self-centered b who pouts when daddy gives them attention and who is boring, dull, insipid and totally awful to be around. Step-dad spends time with them focused on their interests and needs. Step-dad is lively, vital, funny. Step-dad acts like he cares. Therefore, step-dad has become a legitimate authority figure in their lives - because he respects them and meets their needs - and step-mom is reviled and has no influence.

The choice is yours.

Answer 9

There are alot of step parents who love their step children. The first mistake is calling them "step". Children should be treated equally whether they are biological or not.
It takes awhile for the children to adjust to new surroundings, new family, new anything.
Give them time and be patient with them. Treat them the same way that you would treat your biological children and let them know that they are just as loved and wanted as the biological ones.

Step children tend to act out because they feel as if they are not wanted. That they are not as loved or as important as any biological children.
They are also going through alot of emotional turmoil in their lives. Their lives have been disrupted by divorce in many ways.

Yes it takes time, it takes patience, and it takes a lot of communication but it can happen.
You have to keep an open mind about it.

Answer 10

I completely understand where you are coming from i also posted a similar question and got bashed for being the evil stepmom.Its hard to love someone else's child as if they are your own.I know from my experience so far i will never fully accept my stepchild but i won't mistreat her i have decided that.Don't listen to these *** holes who say why did you marry a man if you knew u were not gonna like his children.You shouldn't sacrifice happiness with someone you love because they had a relationship befor you and had children.This crap about how do you think the children feel well we have to share our husband's with his children so how does that make us feel.The bottom line is tolerate them if you love your husband and do not let them ruin your marriage because that is what it will do if you let it.Let them know that it is your house too not just their dad's and they will respect your wishes as you will theirs but if they can't act like civilized children i would send them home to their mom.Well it may all sound selfish but its not all about them anymore good luck to you.