My fiance's three year old son is so clingly that whenever I get close he wants to be there right in the middle of everything I hate it. Should this be a deciding factor in whether I stay in the relationship or not? Will it ever end or will this competition for the moms attention just mature into something else even less desireable?
2006-08-22 15:55:38 · 38 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Toddler & Preschooler
If you are looking for a way out don't use the children. Women with children already have a hard enough time finding a man to love them and their children.
As for the rest of it, the child is three. As he get older his focus will change. Try spending some time with him like a father would and see how that works out. If you are having second thoughts about the marrage tell her and don't use the children as away out stand up and be a MAN
OH and I want to add this. I am married currently and when my children come between us when we are trying to have ALONE TIME I am mom first then wife. Just like he is dad first then husband. If you have children of your own you would understand and not want to run away.
COWARD
2006-08-22 17:15:18 · answer #1 · answered by evrythnnxs 4 · 3⤊ 1⤋
this is a stage. the 3 year old is just becoming a child from baby-toddler. may i suggest a couple of things? first, try being silly with him when he comes over for attention. try to win his affection and it will be so much easier when the 2 of you want to be snuggly in the same room with him.
While sitting on the sofa and he walks close - grab him and say "you get up here" and "you just have to get a hug, right now. " Do you see a pattern here. If the both of you are affectionate to him he will relax and feel welcome, loved and confident. the cling will gradually fade away. probably very quickly.
Offer to read him a book while Mommy runs the bath water. Come into the bedroom to kiss, hug and say good night, don't let my fingers bite (little tickle) under the chin.
The rewards of you becoming an additional parent are unbelievable. The sooner you start the sooner he will catch on. He won't reject you but will come to love you as much as he loves his mommy. The two of you will have a special relationship - just you and me pal. He will florish with your caring.
Think of this as a blessing and not a curse. Attitude is everything. No, maybe a big heart is.
My daughter has a 6 year old son and she is getting married next June. The first couple months of her new relationship were terrible. why ? when Adam was looked at he gave back the same grouchie face he saw. he was threatened and felt unwanted. that changed once the finance decided to extend his hand and get to know Adam and all his good qualities. He gave him a chance and Adam came out with flying colors. The finance now wants to adopt Adam. I could just burst from happiness. He listened to the above advice and it is a success story. You can have the same.
First rule with a woman with kids - the kids come first and foremost over everything and everyone. That doesn't mean brat central - oh no, quite the opposite. Mom needs to run a tight ship especially at 3. If not then there is no hope for anyone to be able to share her life with. Doesn't mean to beat the little thing and keep him in his room or with sitters - no, obedient because Mommy had taught him how to be a human.
Parenting is the hardest job you can ever do. It is a full-time never ending responsibility.
When he is asleep or occupied then you sneak in adult time. You are getting time with her, you just have to want to share. The 3 year old will share if you start first.
Lord Bless.
2006-08-22 16:17:03 · answer #2 · answered by MotherNature 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This should be more than the deciding factor on continuing a relationship. This little boy is and should be the first priority in the relationship. The competition will never end and it will only get worse. You should discuss this with your significant other and see where it goes from there. It will either cause a big deal or they will decide to make the time for just the two of you. But FYI do not push the issue or continue to fight about it if you want to stay in the relationship.
2006-08-22 16:12:25 · answer #3 · answered by Angela 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There are a few things that you really need to consider.
He is three. Probably for a while, it was him getting all of his mom's attention. He didn't have to share her with anyone, and suddenly he has to share his mommy with some other guy. More than likely, he is just making sure he is accepted still by his mom, and that you understand that she is his mom.
What I would do is maybe suggest to your fiance that she take a day or some time for a "date" with her son. Obviously, he is feeling a little neglected, and is trying to get some time with her. Allowing her to spend some time with him may be something he needs, and she can spend the time assuring him that you are not going to replace him in her life.
The other thing you could do is have some "guy time". Take him out somewhere that is very guy oriented. Maybe to the arcade, or to a baseball game, or to a car race. Something that the two of you can share. Take the time to explain your intentions with his mother, and how you are looking to be friends with him, and want him in your life. You would be amazed what a little child can think is going to happen. In his mind, he may be thinking that you will want his mom to get rid of him because he is not your kid. Or he could think that he will not be loved as much due to another guy being in the picture. Assure him that isn't true. Maybe the two of you (you and your fiance) take him somewhere special that is about HIM. Go on a trip to an amusement park, or go to a fair, or something he would love to do and have fun doing with the two of you. Again the two of you can assure him that the three of you are going to be a family, and that the future holds a live for all three of you to be together and love one another.
It just sounds like he is feeling a little pushed aside, and that he needs to be assured of his continued place in his mom's life, and his new place in yours.
Good luck!!
2006-08-22 16:09:24 · answer #4 · answered by volleyballchick (cowards block) 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have to understand, he is a baby! He is and has been the most important man in her life, and its a big change for him to have to share. You don't get a choice sorry. If you can't understand that he should NEVER be placed behind you then maybe thats the problem with him. He will pick up on your jealousy. You are trying to take his mommy away and you are teh enemy to him. If you dont' understand that then maybe you should do them all a favor and leave. You are the adult, you should know how to share by now. It will end when and ONLY when you accept that you are in 2nd place. I'm really not trying to be mean, but if you push he will push back. Thats all there is to it. Don't make her choose between you and her son. Nothing good can come of that. If she chooses you then he suffers greatly. If she chooses him and she SHOULD then you lose her. Remember if you are going to marry her, then he will be your son. Act like it.
2006-08-22 16:19:29 · answer #5 · answered by Chrissy 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well it is really up to you! Depending on the situation the 3 yr old could be scared. He could think you are trying to take his mom away. Seeing that he is only 3 and you think your competing for attention is a little weird. Why dont you try to get to know the kid? spend some time with him. Or do you not want the kid to be there at all?! If so then it probably will lead into "something less desireable" for you!
2006-08-22 16:02:54 · answer #6 · answered by ? 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
From this and your other questions, it sounds like this is a relationship that you really shouldn't be in.
When you are seriously involved with a person who has children who are a part of their life, they become a package deal. You will not come first to a parent who cares for their children. If you can't accept that, it is time for you to move on.
Hubby says: Little kids are actually pretty good judges of character. Plus the little boy is now seeing someone stepping in on his time with mommie. Your best bet is to not only court your fiancé but also court her children. If you can't find the time for the children, there will always be a rift.
2006-08-22 18:03:22 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a 3year old who still wants to be with mom or dad. He feels that you are taking his parent away from you. I have a son who is also the same age and he still does the same thing to us, because he gets jelous and doesnt want daddy holding mommy so he gets in the middle. If you cant handle this then you probably should not stay. Find someone else who doesnt have kids.
2006-08-22 16:10:30 · answer #8 · answered by ******* 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to think a bit. The child at 3 is still quite a child. The two of you, adults , have a responsibility together, heavier than your own need for time together: moreover, you can always find your own privacy and space after giving full attention to the 3 year old. (The child's play school time, sleeping time etc). Good luck!
2006-08-22 16:06:00 · answer #9 · answered by swanjarvi 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that a three year old deserves and needs a lot of attention. It's not something that the child is doing to drive a wedge between your relationship with your boyfriend. If your feeling this way now...get out. They don't need someone who is going to be selfish.
2006-08-22 16:02:47 · answer #10 · answered by Chris 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋