Im currently in a relationship where my fiance has 3 children of her own ages 10, 11, and 3. I find that they all stick together when it comes to my adding new rules in our new home, and example would be rule#1 no junk food in the house. Response: my fiance goes and buys junk and hides it telling the kids not to tell me. This example is one of about five rules that I've made that have been broken. Should I in some way feel like my parenting opinion doesnt matter? And is it because the kids arent biologically mine?
2006-08-22 15:35:16 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
As a step-father... I can relate.
It happens to me as well and we have been married for 9 years. I found the best thing to do is to have a heart-to-heart with your fiance. Ask her if this is a preview of what's to come. Rules and discipline are very hot topics with us, but after a lot of negotiating we reached a compromise.
When you get married they will see you as a father-figure and will respect you, as well as follow your rules. Until then, they will question what authority you have to give them rules.
Make sure you are ready for marriage. Remember you are marrying not just your love but also her children. It will be a huge adjustment for them and you... with your future wife as a Ref. It will be especially tough on her when it is all out war.
Mom will always be their safety net.
I wish you the best my friend. I for one have no regrets.
2006-08-22 15:53:44 · answer #1 · answered by WebXen 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a tough one cuz even if they were your kids- she would still sneak them junk food! Its just her being a mom! I know how u r feeling though- u feel like she disreagrds your feelings annd is teaching the children to lie and sneak and that what you say doesnt matter at all. Why not any junk food in the house? When making a rule- first stop and think: will it hurt anything if I let them do it? and if the answer is no- then why not let it slide? Pick your battles. Allow junk food BUT not after 8 pm or in moderation. Buy the little bags of chips used for lunches so u can monitore the junk food intake. Your wife is making things difficult by ignoring your feelings and allowing the kids to see that. She is disrepecting you and the kids will too if they see her doing it. You need to sit and talk with her- tell her exactkly how u feel. Make compromises with rules like with the junk food. If its bedtime- compromise on time. Both of you need to communicate and stand strong together! I do admit however its tough on a mom NOT to spoil kids a little! lol i do it all the time! Talk with her and let her know how this affects you and your relationship with the kids! Good luck!
2006-08-23 04:20:44 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you need to break up with her. If she's willing to marry you, but not willing to follow rules, something is wrong. She is undermining your authority by going behind your back. If you are living together, you are a team. Rules should be made together and you should back each other up. By not doing that, she is saying your opinions don't matter. Do you really want to marry a woman that thinks so little of you? I understand her wanting to be there for her kids, but undermining you isn't the right way to do it. You need to agree about things in private without the kids, so when rules are told, you are both agreeing in front of the kids. I'd really suggest you think long and hard before marrying that woman!
In my family, my Stepmom made house rules and we followed them. My Dad wasn't always thrilled, but is was her house (as female of the house). She was the only one that taught us manners and taking care of your things. I didn't always like it, but I'm glad my Dad and her did things as a team. Dad was so laid back that without her structure, we would have been hellions.
There is nothing wrong with cutting out junk food. It sounds like you are trying to be healthy for all of you. Talk to her before you make any final decisions. But please, don't stay in a relationship where your opinions and ideas don't matter.
2006-08-22 21:18:09 · answer #3 · answered by Velken 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Being a step parent is hard enough without being on the same page with your spouse. You need to sit down with her and tell her how it makes you feel when she undermines you. If she doesn't understand that, then I think that you should think long and hard about marrying this woman.
Sure you aren't the kids' real Dad, but you are an authority figure in their life. If she is going to constantly undermine you, your relationship with the kids and ultimately with her, is going to have lots of problems.
If she doesn't agree with you about your rules, then I wonder why she wants to be with you in the first place?
2006-08-22 15:58:05 · answer #4 · answered by loriann_1971 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
According to your soon to be wife they do not count. In taking on step children their has to be a meeting of the minds. And if she is doing this over the small things. Those kids are going to make your life hell. And she is going to condone it.
Have a heart to heart with her. I'm sure you can bend some of your rules as well as she. And she needs to support you.
No junk food is alittle much. How about limited to a small amount?
2006-08-22 15:45:14 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Welcome to the world of step parents. I too am a step parent and it is one of the hardest things I have ever done. First of all, she is the mother and the one who they will listen to. Second of all, whenever you try to set rules, you will be over ruled every time. I have found that the best approach is to tell them to talk to their Dad. That way they won't "hate" me. Nothing will ever make them like me, and am getting to the point where I don't like them much either. So, I have learned to keep my mouth shut and just make sure they don't kill each other.
2006-08-22 15:47:50 · answer #6 · answered by jbpammy004 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's ust her. I am a step parent and If the child is living in my home then i have say. My hubby understands that. You need to talk to her and explain that you do have some say because you are paying for half or all the cost of living. She is just being mean. if she wants you to love her kids she ned to understand that they are not yours but you spend time and money with them and she has to understand that.
2006-08-22 15:44:07 · answer #7 · answered by i love my sexy hubby 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i'd get some relationship training and begin communicating with everyone in a significant way.
go here
http://www.barbaradeangelis.com/advice.asp
http://www.cyberparent.com/relate.htm
2006-08-22 16:46:54 · answer #8 · answered by jimrich 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋