10 points for funniest joke?

Question

like i said 10 point to the person who makes me laugh the most.

Answer 1

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Answer 2

Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to go out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari.


Also, a real story. I was unpacking my suitcase yesterday and my 4 month old dog started humping my foot. Then he humped my knee and I ran upstairs and then my mom made me go back to my room. He humped my side once, knee once, foot twice, and leg 4 times in 10 minutes.

Answer 3

Two brothers aged 7 and 4 wake up one morning and are getting ready to go down for breakfast. The 7 year old says to his brother "You know, I reckon we're almost getting to that age where we should take up swearing. I tell you what, when we go down for breakfast I'll go first and then you can follow afterwards."

The two boys go downstairs and their mother says to the 7 year old "Well Tommy what would you like for breakfast?". He summonses up all his courage and responds to his mother "Oh sh#t I reckon I'll just have bloody Weetbix thanks". His mother flies into a rage and gives him a whack across the head sending him tumbling bodily across the room. He gets up off the floor crying his eyes out and runs upstairs.

Turning now to the younger son the mother sternly asks him "And what would YOU like for breakfast, mister?". The young boy is clearly quite frightened by this sudden turn in events as evidenced by his quivering bottom lip. After a small pause to reflect on the reaction his brother had received he replied "F#ck, I'm not really sure but you can bet your a#se it won't be bloody Weetbix"

Answer 4

Hope you enjoy!

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Lol!

Here is another!

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “That driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

: ) Lol!

Answer 5

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves


Another blonde, another store. She goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband."
"Does he use the ball kind?" inquired the clerk.
"No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."

Answer 6

read carefully for it to make sense

there is a million dollars in the middle of a room. there is someone in each of the four corners.
1. superman
2. spiderman
3. a smrt blonde
4. a brunette

Who gets to the money first??


THE BRUNETTE, none of the other ones excist.

Answer 7

enjoy..:)

It was Mr. Ryan's funeral and the pallbearers were carrying the casket out from the church.
When they bumped into a pillar, one of them heard a moan from inside the casket. They opened the casket and found that Mr. Ryan was still alive. god be praised!.
He lived for ten more years before he finally died.

Another funeral was held for him and, as the pallbearers were carrying out the casket, Mrs. Ryan said, " Watch out for that pillar!"

Answer 8

I gotta few for you. Enjoy.

A man's house is on fire. He runs out of the house with his son then he runs back in the house and gets his daughter and his wife. then he runs back in the house a couple more times but he doesn't bring anybody out of the house. So a fireman ask him why he keeps going back in, the man says I'm turning over my mother in law.


One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma." And they say blondes are dumb...

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden.....POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life; better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life......As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life and that goes for your golfing buddies too."
Then POOF!......she was gone!
Dave recovered from the shock. He hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back, "I'm over here in the pussie willows."
"DON'T SWING, Fred; for the love of God, DON'T SWING!"

Answer 9

Two fellows went out for dinner together. One had a steak and the other had seafood. Afterward, the fellow who had the steak told their waiter, "I'm not going to tip you unless you give me a good reason why you had your THUMB on my steak when you served it!"

The waiter explained, "Oh, I didn't want it to fall on the floor AGAIN, sir."

Answer 10

man: haven't i seen you some place before?
woman: that's why i don't go there anymore.

man: your house or mine?
woman: both. you go to your house & i go to mine.

asking man: if your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is lock-out at the front door screaming for you to open the door, who do you let in first?
answer: your dog of course, at least he'll shutup once you let him in.


there are some other good one too, but i forgot, i hope you'll like these jokes..