Why is it that when you are diagnosed with cancer, friends and family avoid you like the plague?

Question

I was diagnosed with bone cancer this summer after having surgery on my left arm where they found a tumor. now the cancer has spread and they are giving me about four months. Since my family and friends have found out, they avoid me every chance they get. One might think that they would want to spend as much time as possible with me. But it is just the opposite.

Answer 1

Personally, I think it is because people just don't know what to say or how to act. This happened to a friend of mine when her son died....everyone just deserted her. That or they were very lame in their consolation. I am very sorry you have to go thru all of this, and yes, you would think they would want to be there. But again, I think they feel inadequate and are afraid to be around as they might cry or don't know what to say and make things worse for you. Try not to be upset with them, even though you may feel that way. And maybe you could contact them and show them that you know that it is hard for them and try to make it a positive thing. I wish you the best of luck with both your illness and family/friends!

Answer 2

Not to sound mean or insensitive, but I don't know what kind of a family do you have.

I personally know of three cancer patients. One was family who is dead now. The other two are close friends, one of whom is in a desperate condition and the other however seems to be on a road to recovery. We (and everybody else I know) spent as much time with them as possible and we still do. Their own families never leave their side. In fact, one of them has been brought home because her family believes that they can better take care of her then the hospital.

This is the kind of thing that pisses me off, such ignorance and stupidity. Cancer is not something you can get just by proximity. It is not contagious and it is not airborne or something. The only reason not to see a cancer patient would be if the doctors specifically quarantine them and order no visitors. What kind of family avoids you when you need them the most?

I truly am sorry and I do sincerely hope that things become better for you. Don't give up and do not loose your will to live. Miracles do still happen.

Answer 3

Well, the best answer I can give you is this: fear.

Everyone fears the unknown, and there's nothing more unknown than the Grim Reaper.

Your family and friends are probably scared not of you, but what to SAY to you or DO around you. They are literally at a loss for words and/or actions to console you.

Perhaps, your family and friends are being subconsciously selfish. In other words, they do not want to deal with the emotional and/or physical demands of dealing with someone in your situation, so as a solution, they avoid you instead. Try putting yourself in their shoes. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but some people are stronger than others and are comfortable dealing with a dying relative/friend, while some people simply cannot or will not deal with a crisis like that on an emotional or physical level.

There is a chance that your so-called friends weren't your real friends to begin with since they aren't there for you in your greatest time of need. Family, also, can be notorious for letting one down ("You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family!" as the saying goes).

Try to focus on positive and helpful people and things in your life that make you happy. If you dwell on why so many people have let you down, the cancer will have spread to your soul as well.

Good luck.

Answer 4

I found the opposite was true when I was diagnosed with cancer. Now alot of people, started out stuttering, not knowing what to say, and once they said, I'm sorry, anything I can do or say, because I'm not sure of what to do? The silence was broken.I think most people are not scared of the disease, but saying something wrong. Friends and family called after my surgery "Are you having a good day? Anything I can do? Want to talk? How about you call me if you need ANYTHING or just to chat"
Being told I only had 4 months to live, would be unreal, but you bet I would bully friends and family to gather around me when I felt up to it.

Answer 5

To start with, I'm sorry for the diagnosis, my prayers are with you.
Onto the question...unfortunately people see terminal diseases at face value, they dont take into account that you are still a viable human being with feelings, they still think that it is contagious. They need to do some reading on the subject to learn all they can and to help you through this or at least keep you comfortable in your last 4 months. Knowledge is Power. And on a side note, My cousin was diagnosed with terminal cancer and was given 6 months to live, he was 17 at the time. He is now 31 with a beautiful wife and a great son. I think Doctors throw out months so you can prepare for whatever is to come, its a crap shoot! Good Luck and stay strong..God Bless!

Answer 6

I'm sorry for the position that you are in. It must be very tough to be going through that and not have the kind of support that you would like from your family. My dad died of skin cancer 3 1/2 years ago, and I avoided him because I had such a hard time seeing him like that. When he was given less than a week to live I didn't fly back to see him because I was immature and scared. Not a day goes by that I don't regret it. Remember that those people probably have their reasons, but they love you very much. I wish you luck and peace.

Answer 7

I had a friend that had terminal cancer. We were very hurt and upset when we found out, because we love him so much. We knew he had to go through chemotherapy. So we didn't know what to do. We didn't want to bother him we thought he would be too tired to visit. When ever we did visit he didn't look well at all. We felt so sorry for him, but couldn't find the words to express what we wanted to say. It's hard to loose someone you love. Maybe you should call your family and friends and express to them how important they are to you. Tell them that you love them and you would like to spend some quality time with them; because you don't know when your last day on this earth may be.

Answer 8

In 2001 my mom was given 3 months to live from her cancer.We were told this 3 days before Mothers Day.I was so scared and in a state of denial that I could hardly stand it.They probably do not know what to say to you.I was so depressed I couldnt stand to be at her house at first.It made me sad and cry every time I was around her.I know Hospice has people that will come out for counseling.They tried to make it better but that didnt help either.She passed away 1 month later and I regret not being there every last second of her life.Please communicate with all of them and tell them exactly how you are feeling.THEY ARE SCARED.

Answer 9

I don't know if they are really avoiding you because of the cancer or because they just don't know what to say. It's a hard one, that's for sure. Maybe if you sent an email to a group and said, "just to put you at ease, it's OK to talk about what's going on with me. Ask questions, that's good, it shows you care and lets me share what's going on. Don't feel like you have to tell me that you're sorry. I'm sorry too. But don't be afraid to talk to me. I need to talk about this. There are no dumb questions. The more we talk, the more we understand."
Maybe that would help. Good luck! My mom is a 6 year breast cancer survivor and a good friend just found out that his 7 year old daughter has come out of remission after having a brain tumor. I'll say a prayer for you and your friends tonight.

Answer 10

People will generally shy away from people who are expected to die soon simply because they would feel obligated to do something about it. After all, who would deny a dying person's last request? Well it may not be the last request but I am sure that nobody wants to be that person who said "no" right before you went.

I have had other relatives to unexpectedly die only to later learn that they were battling cancer. It is a good thing that they never told anyone. I am sure that we probably would have acted the same way towards them.