Do you take care of your family too much? Is that even possible?

Question

My mother died 4 years ago. before she passed all of us would get together for holidays, go places and do things. It was great. Since then it seems like I am the one who is making the effor to get the family together. i have started a newsletter to keep us all informed about each others families and have started a new tradition of having 4 get togethers a year. the thing is that my older bro and younger sis have slacked on their duties and see nothign wrong with it. they were supposed to host the boys/girls parties this year and they didnt, so my older sis and i ended up footing the bill. i live an hr away from them all, they live about 15 minutes apart. they never see each other. they never come to visit me. always excuses (no car, no money) and i am sick of it. the get-togethers are to show our kids just how important family is but it seems like that isnt the way it really is. I am ready to wipe my hands clean fom them all. Am i wrong for that? its always on me to do it all!

For clarity- the reason my bro has no money is because he smokes weed, my little sister clubs too much. they have money, they just waste it. and the get togethers are potlucks (unless someone said different-host). I travel ALL the time to see them. they can catch the bus to see each other, i cant. this arrangement was made mutually by all of us. so the excuses they have arent really valid in my opinion. my older sis can do that- she cant get up to see me as much because my nephew is in a wheel chair and she has CP. but get this even on her FIXED income she still manages to pull off gifts and celebrations. I am not rich either but i think family is imoportant enough to spend time and money on.

Oh and in case i didnt mention it- i live an hour away from all three of them, they live about 20 minutes apart from each other and they still dont see each other. so getting together four times a year doesnt really hurt them at all. its always the same day on the months specified.

Answer 1

Do not disown your family for this. Your mom passed away and it seems as if your family really isnt interested in doing as many get togethers as you all planned in the beginning. since you all dont live far away, why dont you just plan one bday party and one holiday get together for the whole year? That is not asking much from any one person to do. I think that if you work together as a team things would get done way better than you can possibly imagine.

Dont keep stressing yoruself about what they wont do, just be concerned with what you do. That will be the only thing that matters to your children in the end. Keep showing them that family is important. Keep up with the newsletters but dont keep putting as much effort as you have been or you will end up resenting the family.

From what you are saying about 2 of your siblings they really need to drop those bad habits and grow up- especially since they have kids of their own.

hope this helps!

Answer 2

Four times a year is a lot. My family gets together once a year. We live about 15 hours apart so we pick a place in the middle, and meet at a hotel for three nights. We share the bill. It is a lot of work to organize. Some of us do more than others also. My sister and I send out e-mails to everyone. We see who can afford to do this, we all bring food to share. We spend the days sitting around the pool, or some go off shopping, or some go sightseeing. Then we meet together for supper and cards or dice game. Sometimes one family can't afford to come so some of us say "I'll pitch in fifty bucks"

It sounds like you are feeling real taken for granted maybe even taken advantage of. I think you are really blessing your family by making this a priority. But your priorities are not going to be the same as your siblings. As we age and reach different financial positions and our kids get older, our priorities change. Hopefully you will see more support as everyone gets older.

Girls in the family almost always end up with the most responsibility. I never would have thought of a newsletter. Sounds cool, but like a lot of work. We keep in touch through the computer more than anything these days.

You are doing a great job, cut back on some of the things, but don't let everyone forget about getting together.

Answer 3

You are doing a wonderful thing by trying to keep your family together and to instill in your children that family is important.
But............if you are trying to have big get togethers 4 times a year then that maybe a little TO much. Especially if some of your family members have kids that are wrapped up in alot of extra curricular activities at their schools or churches.
Some of them may also be struggling financially and can not afford to foot the bills for these get togethers.

Instead of making huge get togethers so many times a year why not just do it maybe twice a year.
And the rest of the time just call and ask if you can come by with the kids just to visit.

Your siblings maybe thinking that you are trying to take over for your mother and they are not very keen on that idea.
Just back off a little and don't try so hard.
Everything will work out in the end.

Answer 4

Then stop.
You can't force this on them - if they want it, then they must participate in it. If you are the one doing (and paying) for it all, and resentment is building (and it is) then you have to stop.

Apparently your mother was the center of the family but now that center is gone and there is no "center" anymore. This is normal. It may be an unhappy realization for you, but this is life. Now you must be the center of your own family. If you and your older sister are close and want to remain close, then nurture that relationship and allow your younger siblings to find their own level.

When you next have a gathering, make it a pot luck complete with RSVPs. Do not plan on anyone showing who does not RSVP. If they show up anyway, then send them out to the store to buy more food 9with their own money) so that they experience consequences for not RSVPing. If no one shows besides you and your older sister, then stop inviting them to these quarterly gatherings (which is quite a lot, by the way). When they ask what the heck is going on, tell them the truth.

And let life take its course.

Answer 5

No, you aren't wrong for the way you are feeling. It sounds as if you've been putting effort in and are not getting any help/support. If you haven't spoken to your older brother and younger sister, try to do that and explain your feelings. Maybe consider doing things differently. Maybe even have get-togethers w/out inviting them and see what their reactions are. If they act hurt, then tell them you just don't feel like including them since they haven't been holding up their end of the bargain. You shouldn't be expected to do it all, and have a perfect right to feel resentful. Talk to your older sister about it and see what she says. Then you and she can come up w/a solution that doesn't make you feel frustrated. You can't change your brother/sister, all you can do is control your reactions to the problem. Good luck!

Answer 6

I understand exactly what you are saying. Unfortunately, once your mother died; the tradition changed. It would seem that your mother, metaphorically speaking, was the link that held the chain of (family) together. Once your mom passed on..the link was broken. Your brothers and sisters moved on to make their own chains (family traditions) and you should try to do the same. Keeping the tradition of family get-togethers is a good thing..maybe try to get gather the family together on Mother's day and celebrate the memory of togetherness mom brought to your family. Remember all the good times you had together with your mother and honor her this way..once a year. Respect and love your family even though their choices do not agree with yours. Don't be bitter or resentful with your siblings. Life is too short..Good luck...

Answer 7

I think you have done some wonderful things. They are not appreciated though. Think of it this way........obviously it's too much trouble for certain siblings to go along with your plan......so if you're "making" them do these things and they dont' "want" to do them on their own, then basically the whole point of what you're trying to accomplish is lost, right? I say.....stick together with the sister who wants what you want.......and wipe your hands clean of the rest. Your idea is wonderful, and unfortunately not working. It's too bad, but stop making efforts that get no results.
I have a friend like this who lives only 40 min. away. Once a year I try to gather all my closest girlfriends, and she is always the one who has the lame excuse. So........while I miss her friendship, I have written her off. Family, friends.......whatever it is, it's a TWO way street. It can't work otherwise.

Answer 8

Your dealing with a very common problem faces ever family these days. There is no easy way to fix it neither. Its not a natural thing for us humans to live a life so split from our family. Problem is we have a culture that is supporting the individual more then any whole family. This days we don't see the family only the individual. Use to be their were rich families, now we only see rich people. This leaves us with a feeling of insecurity around our love ones because everyone feels that the microscope is on them. The best way to deal with it all is to relate with everyone as honestly as you can and encourage them to do the same. Of course it isn't that easy.....

Answer 9

Family meeting! No car and no money are not excuses, by the way. Those are genuine concerns. Your siblings might be trying to tell you that they are struggling and your little get-togethers aren't a priority for them right now. If Mohammed won't go to the mountain, the mountain must come to Mohammed! Go to their places. Pick them up if you have to. Be flexible and helpful instead of expecting their attendance. I understand your frustration (oh, boy, do I ever), but you have to talk with them about this and find out what's behind the reluctance on their part, and then all of you can decide what to do about it.

Answer 10

do all of your family members have kids?... if so explain to the parents that it is important that you so the kids how important it is to have family and to vist them when possible.

My family just went on a week long vac. and my mom had to take a week from work off and she told my grandpa (we go to see them every thanksgiving) and he got mad cuz she took so many days off and wasnt sure if she would have enough to come to thanksgiving...

but you should try explaining to them how important it is for family to comunicate, not through a news letter, tell them in person...i am asuming you are the oldest of them... but if money is an issue maybe once a week you could drive out to them to vist everyone if you wish to see them...

Good Luck