Should I tell his girlfriend he was seeing me?

Question

I just found out that the guy I was seeing for almost 5 months is engaged to someone else. We met at a bar and he is the one who pursed me. Over the next couple months our relationship was mostly over the computer due to my work taking me out of town so much. However, I asked him quite a few times if he was already attached and he assured me he wasn't. Well after spending a lot of time together when we were able to connect, he admitted that he is indeed engaged and has no intentions of leaving her. Needless to say I am devastated as I really liked him and I know if he did this with me the chances are likely he'll do it with someone else. I have told him I want no further contact with him but I am contemplating telling his fiance. I think she has a right to know that she is about to marry a cheater! What do you think?

Answer 1

Tough one...

are you going to tell her b/c you feel cheated & hurt? Or do you genuinly want her to know that she is going to marry a cheater?

I do think that since he wanted to keep a relationship with you although he was going to marry her, you may want to tell her.
But she might not beleive you...

Either way.. if this man is a lying no good cheater & you want to expose him (not be with him), then let her know.

Answer 2

Well, the urge is strong, I am sure, but consider carefully what the consequences may be. First, ask yourself if you would want to know if you were in her place ?

Second, if you and she are not friends, then why would she believe you ? He will likely deny it and she will want to believe him. Ask yourself if you would believe her, again, if roles were reversed ? Unless you have written proof that he was pursuing you via the computer - and not just "innocent" chatting - then you probably have no basis upon which to convince her.

Third, if you are part of the same community of friends - and I have to wonder because how would you know who SHE is if you are not - then do you want to put that relationship you have with the community at risk ? If you all are part of a community, then you will likely split the community with all this information.

Fourth, ask yourself if you want to tell her because of a purely alturistic motive: that she has "a right to know" or if, indeed, YOU are just the person to tell her (meaning, are you telling her to get back at this guy who "devastated" you because you "really liked him.") If you are doing it - in ANY part - as a result of a thirst for revenge against him, then don't. It's not your business and engaging in revenge just makes you less of a person.

Once you have gone through all those considerations, the choice is - as it always was - yours.

Answer 3

If they are engaged, I will tell u, there is very little chance that the girl will believe u. If he had the balls to cheat in the first place, u have to wonder, is he even afraid of losing his fiance, probably not, cause he knows she wont leave him. Now there is a chance she'll believe u, but will she get rid of him, ..nooooo. Listen, u have every right to tell, if u were in the dark, then she needs to know too, but chances are, in the back of her mind, she already knows he's a cheater. there is a very hi chance u will look like a homewrecker, but if u think its worth the trouble, do it. I would, and its the clueless fiance's choice to be pro active or be a fool, atleast u cared enuff to fill her in.

Answer 4

Wow, You're really hurting, aren't you? It shows!
This is probably not the last time that this is going to happen to you, just next time if you want to meet a somewhat decent man try hanging out somewhere other than in a bar.
About telling his fiancee, don't! Think about it, what are you going to look like standing there telling her how he's used you and abused her trust - yet in the end he chose her over you.
May sound harsh but.-.get over it. Pick yourself up. You'll be alright.
Wishing you nothing but the best.

Answer 5

Tell him you kow about the girl friend then give him a time limit of, say, one week. Tell him either YOU tell her or I will!!!!!!!!!!!! She deserves to know. Don't wimp out on this one. What the hell does he even want to get married for if he still wants to date other women? You'd be doing this poor woman a HUGE favor by telling her. There is always the off chance she won't believe it. Do you have any proof to back you up? You know, in case the liar tells her you are making trouble?

Answer 6

As someone who just found out about a partner's affair my overwhelming feeling was "how dare he make decisions about my future". The decision to cheat affects all three (as you know!) I have decided to try to make it work with my partner but that's MY choice. I think its the right thing to do but you need to do it with great care - any chance of telling a friend of hers? keep it simple & factual then walk away! Lucky escape for you, good luck next time.

Answer 7

I think you should - that is cheating and I think people have the right to know about that kind of thing - people need to know the truth about each other when going into a marriage!

Answer 8

Tell her before she marries him and he cheats throughout the whole marriage. But be prepared to have proof of it, especially if you ahve an email with him saying he wasn't attached. guys love to switch it around to you chasing him and he kept telling you he was attached.

Answer 9

Go for it! I personally think that cheaters should be branded on the forehead, that way we could see them coming. My second husband was a cheater...I wish someone had told me.

Answer 10

Dont cause hassles, if she doesnt know she will find out sooner or later, if he hasnt already told her......let it go, shell probably want to beat the crap out of you anyway, so best thing to do i think is let him go and get on with your life. Let them work out where the problems are it isnt up to you or anyone else.