mother in law is still angry?

Question

MY mother in law is divorced from her husband who was an alcohlic and was emotionally and physically abusive towards her.
My husband did not see his dad for 14yrs. following the whole mess. He was 16 at the time. About 4 years ago he has formed a relationship with his dad again. It is not the typical father son relationship, but he is a good grandpa to our children. He does not drink any more and has not for the last 6 years. My husband's mother is still angry with her son. She tells my husband that he must have forgot all of the terrible things that have happened and she gets angry when she hears that we have visited with him. He definilty has not!! She says that that man has no right to be called a grandpa. Who is right here. I say that my husband was a kid when all this went down and it's not his problem. She will not get over it and rightfully so. I am just tired of her butting in and drilling my kids for info.

Answer 1

You are absolutely right. It is none of her business whether or not Dad and Son have a relationship. Just because she hasn't forgiven the man doesn't mean her son has to hold the same grudges she still does. I would give the guy some credit anyway...at least he has stopped drinking.

Depending on your husband's relationship with his mother, I would suggest a gentle heart to heart where you both diplomatically tell Mom that this is your business, not hers. You are sorry she is still so angry about the past, but it isn't her choice whether father and son have a relationship or not. If she persists, tell her gently that whether or not you have gone to visit Dad or not is really none of her business and you will no longer discuss those matters with her. If this is still a problem, then, assuming your husband has some gonads, he may want to tell her that if she persists in her anger and judgment here, Mom may be alienating all of you, to her ultimate detriment.

I can't stand people who want you to be angry simply because they choose to be.

Answer 2

I understand both sides. First your mother in law needs counseling or something she has held in this anger for so long maybe she does not know how to get over it. She probably also feels like your children are at risk even though you said he doesn't drink anymore she probably is truly concerned and doesn't want to see anything happen.
As far as your husbands relationship with his father, your husband (from what you imply) has forgiven his father. And that is his choice.
You do need to ask her not to involve your children. You don't need your kids going thru that either.
But I would recommend a good therapist or counselor for your mother in law, I really feel she may have some unresolved anger and maybe a little post traumatic stress.
Good Luck to your family I hope it all works out!

Answer 3

Your father in law can not change what he did in the past. It would be nice if he would appologize to her for his past. But that is between them and some people would rather live in the past and not attempt to forgive.

Your F-I-L has a right to be a part of his son's and his son's children's life. He has been clean for some time and as long as his relationship is good and not harmful then all is good.

Let your M-I-L know or better yet if your husband could that it is important to both of you that the children not be drilled or questioned and that you will not be able to allow negative and hurtful feelings hinder your children's family relaitonships. That F-I-L has changed his actions and that is the grandfather your children need.

Kathy

Answer 4

she has no right to drill your kids like that i agree she need to let it go. Every child need a father no matter what i know that his mother was hut by that man but your husband still needs a dad and i feel that his mother is being really ignorant to try to take that away from her son,see need to relize that she is not the only person in that family and she can hate the man all she want and so can your husband but no matter what that is your husbands father and if he has a chance to have any type of relation ship with him then good for him...He is a father also and sees how much his children look up to himprobaly.

Answer 5

You and your husband need to sit down with her and have a nice long talk. Ask her to listen to your side, and then allow her to her own side. Tell her that the man is your husbands father no matter what when down when they were married. If no one gave anyone else second chances, no one would be talking to anyone anymore. Let her know his progress. It can be traumatic for kids to be pulled in two directions, talk to her about that. If you need some help, get information off the internet about it, read it to her. Ask her if she wants to do that to her grandchildren. You need to go over all the problems that are creating static between you all. Don't forget to listen to her side either. She is human and has feelings and thoughts. If this doesn't work, try talking to a Therapist, bring your mother-in-law. Even if it doesn't work it out, they might help you come up with ways to keep the waters still.

Answer 6

Your husband could insist his mother to go to counseling WITH HIM(the son). There would be no discussion of the situation without it- no exceptions. It could be a way for the two of them to explore this situation with a qualified mediator. His mother needs to get past her anger at her ex-husband. I understand, as both of you should, that she has always been there for her son, and feels (right or wrong) that his father, who has not, has "no right" to enjoy any kind of closeness with him. The abuse she suffered is no small obstacle- it is, in fact, a profound and soul-deep wound. She needs help to let go of this poison and understand that a relationship with one does not diminish a relationship with the other. An apology from his father-POST-COUNSELING(!) may go a long way to healing her heart.Forgiveness is not only kind to the one who is forgiven, it is also good for the one who forgives. This is not going to be easy, but be kind and remain firm. She will resist seeing someone- anger is comforting in it's own way and the thought of losing it can be upsetting. The thought of letting it go and forgiving is almost unthinkable. Your husband needs to be with her for the journey. Meanwhile, she needs to lay off the grandkids. Make it clear that drilling them is all about her and not good for the kids, and you will have to insist. Good luck.

Answer 7

It sounds like your mother in law needs to let go of the ugly past and let her son get to know his dad. People change when they begin recovering from alcoholism. You shouldn't forget or shut the door on the past, instead, respect it and learn from it always keeping in mind that it is the PAST! Also, the relationship between your husband and his father is theirs - not your mother in laws. Maybe she feels threatened and thinks that perhaps she is no longer in control of her baby boy and her issues of taking care of her child without the father around play into this situation as well. I think that as long as you, your husband and your children are all having a healthy loving relationship with his father you should enjoy it and be thankful that he (the father) no longer drinks and is trying to be a part of your family in a positive way. Mom in law needs to find some forgiveness and allow everyone, including herself, to be happy.

Answer 8

Wow, what a hard situation. Regardless of what you mother-in-law feels, your husband and children have a right to see their father/grandfather if they chose to do so. It's hard to say who's right and wrong because they both have their own opinions for goog reasons. However, your Mother-in-Law should respect your Husband desicion and leave it at that. Have both of the Grandparents visit at different times and don't mention them to each other. It's an awkard situation but one that needs to be handled an a ethical and respectable manner. And kindly tell your Mother-in-Law not ask questions about their grandfather and to leave them out of it. Good Luck!!!

Answer 9

So...get over it..you could all be dead later today...

Love is all you need, and that includes forgiveness...

You need to let this go for you....
Take a break from the in laws...get yourself and kids involved in something positive and active....
Stop thinking about your husband's problems and do what you can to help/improve/change yourself...in the end this will benefit your children far more that any ancient history...

Everyone has baggage...but only you can put yours down and create transformation in your own life...

It's not your job to fix or control everyone...just get your head up and work on you.

Answer 10

It is very understandable that your mother-in-law has such negative feelings towards her ex-husband. But if your husband has chosen to reforge a relationship with his father, then she shouldn't interfere. Of course, your mother-in-law could also be worried that her son will be hurt again. But if you and your husband and at peace with knowing his father and can see that he has changed, then go ahead. But keep his past in mind, especially since you have small children. Hopefully he received therapy for his problems and is no longer abusive in any form.