It's Tuesday. Any good clean jokes for today?

Question

It's not the first of the week nor the middle of the week. Bring 'em on if they are clean.

Answer 1

A Tuesday Special, especially for you:

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter". The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

Answer 2

A Husband Shopping Center has opened in NAWLINS!! A great place where a woman can go to choose from among many men to be her husband. It is laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascend.

There is, however, a catch. You're only allowed in once. Once you open the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor. If you go up a floor, you can't go back down except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

Floor 1: These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman reads the sign.
"Well, that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"

So up she goes.

The second floor sign says:
Floor 2: These men have high-paying jobs, love kids and are extremely good-looking.

"Hmmm, better," says the woman. "But I wonder what's further up?"

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3: These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking and help with the housework.

"Wow," says the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there's more further up!"

And so again, she goes up.

On the fourth floor the sign reads:
Floor 4: These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Yes indeed!" (That's how women talk in Louisiana) "But just think... what must be awaiting me further up?"

So up to the fifth floor she goes.

The sign on that door says:
Floor 5: This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping.

Have a nice day

Answer 3

An American tourist was visiting an ancient Scottish castle. His tour guide was very helpful and showed him every nook and cranny of the place. At the end of the tour, the guide asked him, "Weel, mon, what did you think of the place?"

The tourist shivered and said, "It was great except that I was terrified in some of those dark old corridors. I thought for sure that a ghost was going to pop out of the walls!"

The guide smiled, "I wouldna worry aboot that, laddie. In all the time I've wurked here, I've never seen a ghostie."

Visibly relieved, the American grinned and asked, "And how long have you worked here?"

The guide paused to think for a moment. "Och, aboot three hundred years."

Answer 4

>Nobody is ever satisfied,
Poor men wish they were rich, Rich men wish they were handsome, Bachelors
wish they were married & Married men wish they were Dead !

Answer 5

what is black and white and red all over?




a newspaper

Answer 6

a catholic a jew and a muslim walk into a bar...says the catholic to the muslim " hey, did you here the one about us?".

Answer 7

why do all you crackers stink likeshit?