my boy friend and i just found out were preg.and he asked me to move in?

Question

we dicussed the idea before we found out and decided we werent ready for that. but now that we are is wants me to. i love him but i dont know if its right based on the fact that the basis of it is the baby and not any thing else...

ok first of all i have 2 beautiful daughters already, second of all to you people who say i shold get married or put my child up for adoption go to hell... i am not wanting a marriage and my chioldren and me are and will be just as good if the dad ani were to get hitched. third of allv he is a good person and will be a verry good father but i dont beleave in doing things for the baby because if its not right for you its not right for your baby. if your not happy how will your kids be. why raise you kids in a un happy enviroment when you can raise them in a better and happier enviroment...marriage, aboration and adoption isnt the anwser to everything and i am so sick of you women who keep on telling us girls it is when we are coming to you for real advice....so to everyone else do you think i am wrong for not moving in with the father just because of the baby

Answer 1

You did the right did by not moving in to stay with your bf just bcoz of the kid. In fact if both of you get married bcoz of the baby I think it could lead to a bigger mistake in future.

Answer 2

I agree with everything you said. I had my daughter in December of 2004 and got married in February of 2005 to make things "right" and it didn't help anything because now we're getting divorced. I believe you should do something for the baby only if it is crucially beneficial. Whether or not you move in right away with the baby's father is not going to make a difference unless you know for sure it's where you plan to stay. It can become an unstable environment if you move in and later on decide it wasn't the best idea and that you would have been better staying where you were. From the sounds of it, regardless of the living situation he is going to be involved so take your time and see what situation would be best for all of you. If it was a bad idea before you were pregnant than until you two can work around the problems odds are it probably still is a bad idea. But nothing is permanent and you can work towards a common ground. Just talk to him about what "was" wrong and how would it change if you moved in. A happy stable home is the best thing you can give a child regardless of what these idiots keep pounding in our head to "make it work for the children." I'd much rather see my daughter happy without her father (who's been gone over six months) than for her to see us together arguing all the time.

Answer 3

You need to concentrate on marriage and forget about shacking up with this guy. So now the baby is coming now what? Is this guy going to be a good example for your child in terms of providing a good example of a father and husband? Is your child going to be turned over to a daycare center at 12 weeks of age for hours on end? Does this man have financial security and is he stable? What can this guy offer your child? What will happen if the relationship doesn't work out and you are left with the bag? What if he decides he just wants to up and move out and doesn't want a future with you?


A child should be raised in a secure marriage, and not with people who won’t make a lasting commitment.

Living together feeds into the “try before you buy” attitude. Couples often say if things change in the relationship or when times get rough, then let go instead of making a full commitment. How can anyone be at peace with that? Yes, marriage can be very hard at times. However, if you just give in and leave, how can you get to the joy?

Several studies show that couples that cohabitate have difficulty in solving problems, hold unrealistic expectations, communication, and commitment problems. Studies also show that married couples that lived together prior are more likely to divorce. So, if you think that living together will improve your chance of staying married, you’re mistaken.

You have now taken on a huge responsiblity by bringing a child into this world. Make sure you do what is in the best interest of the child NOT what is best for you. Tell this guy you are worth more then a shack up don't settle. If he waffles on the marriage idea then honey he isn't ready for you or a baby. Why would you want a man that doesn't want to marry you in your child's life? Don't go there.

Answer 4

How selfish of you to bring a child into the world without the benefit of a loving two parent household where the PARENTS ARE MARRIED. He is just a boyfriend and that is meaningless. Put this child up for adoption with two stable parents who are married. You may think you can make this work with a live in boyfriend but he has no commitment to you AT ALL. I am sick and tired of girls bringing children into the world and they have to pay for shack ups, live in relationships that don't work (several I might add), and being put in daycare for several hours a day when they are just infants. What have you done?

Fairy tales don't happen. She is right. If he won't commit to you in marriage then he isn't ready for anyone of this. I am sorry The loving second hand prize of a move in isn't good enough. You have sold yourself short and your life. As women we think living together is the ultimate YEA. Marriage is the ultimate committment not some lousy shack up. Tell him you won't settle you don't want to provide that kind of life for your child. Tell him you won't even settle for a long engagement. Put a ring on your finger get married and then move in. You did it all wrong.

Answer 5

If you were discussing the idea before you found out then I'd revisit the idea. If you have any reservations don't do it or maybe just take a little time to adjust to the idea. You have 2 other children and didnt say if they were his or not, if they are I would really revisit the idea of moving in, if they are not his, how does he react to them? Could you all be one big happy family (you don't, in my opinion need to be married to be a family) living in the same house. You have some time, use that to your advantage and talk about what is the right situation for ALL of you.

Answer 6

that is huge step and if the two of you decided then that it was not a good time, than you know in your heart that it is not better b/c a baby is on the way. nothing is worst then making a step that you are not ready for. what if you move in a it goes south and then you lose your b/f and the father of you child. tell him when the time is right then yes.
but this is like getting married b/c its the right thing to do, which leads to unhappy marriage or divorce.

Answer 7

You ought to discuss your situation with a minister, a social worker or a family counselor, not anonymous people here.

95% of the people here, including me, are unqualified to give helpful, honest answers to a question such as yours. Your choices that I can see are:

1) Move in with him, hope he makes a good father to all three kids and hope he stays for the next 16 years.

2) Continue to live apart and hope he comes up with a child support check for the next 16 years (Or cedes parental rights when you meet someone who IS willing to marry you and adopt your children)

3) Abortion (I'm not suggesting it, just saying it is an option.)

4) Adoption (I'm not suggesting it, just saying it is an option.)

5) Win the lotto in a good week, so you have enough money for a house with a gardener, cook and a nanny, and you can tell BF to go whistle. (Odds of this are one in 40 million.)

I used 16 years because your current BF is probably going to get married to someone - maybe you, maybe not - in the next 16 years. Your child-to-be is going to be depending on you for the next 16 years. You might think about your options in the next 16 years, not the next 16 months.

Answer 8

I had the same problem!!! I decided not to move in so that we could be friendly with each other. I knew if I moved in just because of the baby we'd be broken up and hate each other within a year. We still get along great almost 5 years later! Make the decision that YOU feel is right...Good Luck!

Answer 9

its good to move out with the daddy for the sake of the baby but since u r a mother and u definetly know the best of ur children so do what u think is proper and dont get pressured by the inviroment just concentrate and do what should be done!!!!!!

Answer 10

Wow! i totally disagree w/ supate and bpatsun. they have no idea about what they are talking about. Just b/c you are married doesn't men that its forever. Plus you have 2 other kids to think about. i wouldn't suggest get married b/c your pregnant. but i can tell you to follow your heart and listen to what its telling you. i don't know your bf or financial situation so we are the least indicated on telling you what you better do or else. either way its will always be your decision and you are going to live with that decision.