My 10 year old is choosing her path, how much do I interfere?

Question

When my daughter puts her mind to it she is very capable and does excellent, neat, complete school work; she can be very responsible but... More times than not, she chooses to do her homework very sloppy (you can barely read it sometimes), she refuses to put her papers in her folder so they're all wrinkled, she doesn't show me certain papers the teacher sends home so then I get nasty phone calls from the teacher.

I talk, reason and explain to her the importance of neat and complete work; I lead by example to no avail. She has always been this way, it's nothing new. I love my daughter, but I am beginning to feel she is old enough now to reap what she sows. I'm feeling like may be I should let her do her "thing" and as a result she may not move on to the next grade; then may be the embarrassment will shape her up for the years to come. What do you all think?

Answer 1

Well, I doubt that she will get held back unless she is doing really really bad. If I were you I would start placing some consequences if she doesn't do her work or gets bad gardes. Take away the phone, T.V., computer, make her come home straight from school, no friends over. A recent study show that kids don't actually develop the part of their brain that recognizes long term consequences of their actions until around age 17. You need to get her to recognize that if she doesn't do well in school or at least try her hardest that there are consequences at home. She'll get tired of not being able to do anything. If she still fails after doing all that, then you've done your job as a parent.

Answer 2

You've tried leading with example, which is a good start- but have you tried a rewards system? Some kids respond really well to them.

Perhaps you could have a sort of a tally on the wall of her achievments- each time she gets a good mark or produces a piece of work which is neat, legible and well-presented, put a star sticker on the wall (just for one example- otherwise, you could have a track of achievment with a moveable marker)- each time she does something good, she will see the benefits and at the end of each week, fortnight or month, she will get a little reward for it (a small toy, going to see a movie, etc.)

Just as we get rewards for our work in the adult world through promotions, pay-rises, compliments, etc. kids need something which appeals to them as a reward.

She is NOT a lost cause by any means- she just needs goals and a self-standard that is based around something which she truly wants to achieve- if she knows that good behavior is favoured with a treat of candy, toys or an outing, she'll want to keep up the good work.

Each child has different things which stimulate and motivate them... try borrowing some books on parenting from the library to get some ideas... it's just a matter of finding the right method for her.

Answer 3

I don't think it's too late to help her acquire good study habits. This is too important to let go. Talk with her teacher(s) and implement a system in which your daughter notates the assignments and the teacher initials off on these, insuring she has written them all down for that day - a simple notebook can be used for this - in fact, many schools already have a system like this in place. Your daughter MUST bring this book home with her EVERY day - no exceptions. The teacher can also add notes on behaviors, upcoming events, etc - anything you need to know. Then you know exactly what she has to do for the following day. She has to do the assignments correctly AND neatly or she faces immediate consequences - no tv or video games, etc. Then you sign off that you checked her homework and she takes the book back to school the following day. I can't imagine this happening, but If the teacher doesn't want to cooperate with this system, go to the principal. And if your daughter fails to bring home the assignment book, she needs immediate consequences - no tv or video games or whatever that night or other appropriate consequences. Honestly, YOU are the key to this. Consistency and persistence will pay off in the end.

Answer 4

All I can say is children are like trees if you choose not to interfere you will end up with a tree growing side ways. Sometime parents need to put their foot down when they grow up they will be grateful for the interference right now your letting your child rule you and if you don't stop it know it will be too late. I am grateful for the interference my mom gave me I did not understand it at the time but as I grew older I understood it later. I went to college and got a good job. Now I'm 35 and have everything I ever wanted two kids, I own a home, car and have a good job and by the time I'm 45 I will be retired form my job. How many people can say that. This was all because my mom interfered and my brothers all have grate jobs as well. I guess we were just lucky...

Answer 5

Make her suffer "consequences" other than the natural ones that come with this. That means no television or computer, no phone calls from friends, no *whatever is her favorite activity or food*.

That is the ONLY way we get compliance from our eight year old that sounds remarkably similar in all regards. We enrolled her in karate, and they require them to keep grades high and do their homework, keep their rooms clean, and in addition to do extra chores around the house, commensurate with age. They have to report what they have done on a daily basis.

By all means, interfere now, later it will have little or opposite impact. It takes energy, but in the end it will all be worth it.

BTW, if she doesn't watch television, no one in the family should either. Sit with her when she does homework, maybe get an inside line to the teacher, and talk with the teacher as often as possible. Review and inspect her homework.

You might announce at dinner tonight a family discussion on the subject and tell her your thoughts and find out her thoughts and come to a compromise.

Answer 6

What else can you do? You've informed your daughter all that you can. Why don't you try checking her work after she is done with her homework? If you don't feel satisfied, ask her if she did her best. Tell her she needs to re-do assignments, that kind of thing. Don't ground her or anything, yet. The thing I would do is just check her homework, tell her she needs to re-do sloppy work. If that doesn't work after awhile, tell her bad grades mean unhappy weekends or no television, something like that.

You didnt say anything about grades, but if she is making bad grades....then you have grounding. If she does sloppy work but makes good grades (somehow, haha!) then I'm not sure what else you're trying for.

Answer 7

Do yourself and your daughter a favor and INTERVENE. She needs to learn NOW that certain actions have consequences, and you can help her learn this. Talk to her about it and make sure she understands that if she does what she's supposed to do then you'll be more likely to do things for her or agree when she asks for something, but if she doesn't do what she's supposed to do then you'll be less likely to do things for her and she may even have to suffer punishments like no TV, no phone, etc. Hit her where she lives, otherwise she'll continue to do substandard work. While you're at it, explain to her that it's the same way with adults -- if we do a good job we continue to earn a pay check and can get raises, promotions, etc., but if we do lousy work we get fired and then have to figure out how we're going to pay for our houses and cars, etc. She's old enough now to be taught how things work in the real world, and she needs to be held accountable for her actions.

Answer 8

Since she's only in elementary school, you should interfere as often as you can. At the age of 16 is when you should beginning to let go, but only 10? She is not capable of thinking straight yet. She is probably still in 5th grade and at that age, she can't make any BIG decisions on her own yet without guidance. Try to give her advice instead of telling her what to do. That way, she won't feel that you're controlling her. But please, DO interfere with your 10 year old daughter's life.

Answer 9

You are being her "Friend" and not her PARENT. This will only result in misery for you BOTH later on in life. Lay down the LAW. If she will not obey the rules, mete out the punishments accordingly. At 10 years old, she should not be running the relationship as she pleases; that is YOUR job as a parent. She has yet to learn that there are consequences for her wrong actions. You are doing her NO favors, by allowing her behavior. At 10, you still have a chance to correct things. Make rules and corresponding Merits and Punishments. STICK TO THEM. She will make a fuss now, but later on in life, when she actually has MADE something of herself, she will be thanking you.

Answer 10

Because of her age, I think you need to interfere and be very strict about homework. Check her bookbag everyday, check her homework everyday, and see that she puts the homework into a folder after you have checked it.

She is getting older and is not going to like what you're doing but too damn bad. Tell her she brought this on herself, and its either deal with you being strict about assignments or continue her behavior and be held back a grade, when she is easily smart enough to continue on to the next grade.