Christians only please: My friend doesn't want to be married anymore. Advice?

Question

She married a man that does not have a strong relationship with Christ. She knew that going into the marriage; in fact she even broke up with him once because she wanted to find someone who did. She went back to him because she was afraid she would never get married otherwise. They have only been married for 9 months and now she regrets that she can't share that part of her life with him. He hates going to church with her much less doing any other church activities. She loves being a camp counselor but she knows he would not enjoy that. She has been thinking about divorce. We both disagree with divorce in most cases and she especially does since her parents got divorced when she was a kid and she knows how that ruins families. She still loves him and considers him her best friend, but she just doesn't want to be his wife anymore. Read 1 Corinthians 7:12-16 and give me your feedback.

Some people are not reading the reference.
"To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?"

Obviously Lisa cares about what the Bible says, otherwise she wouldn't be thinking about this. If she was going to throw religion out the window she could stay with him.

Also marriage isn't sin.

P.S. 1. They do not have kids.
2. Neither one of them has commited adultery.
3. I think he might be a believer who just isn't really living like one. He's morally good but it doesn't go beyond that.

Answer 1

The passage was what I figured it was -- the spot where Paul is giving guidance to new believers in Corinthia, who just converted while their husbands/spouses had not yet converted.

In that context, Paul was afraid that people would use their conversion as an excuse to break up their marriages; Paul said, "No, you need to stay and make things work, unless your spouse decides they want to quit."

The situation here is slightly different. Your friend was a Christian before she married a non-Christian.

Still, the principle holds: Regardless of why she made her commitment, she made it, and it's an honor to God for her to uphold it, and a breaking of faith to God for her to shun it. She made this decision and must stick to it.

I think what bothers me is the reason you've expressed for her decision to marry: She knew it would be a problem, she even left for awhile... and she went back not because she loved him, or because she felt God was telling her to marry him, but because she was "afraid she would never get married otherwise."

To state it bluntly: She married out of fear, out of insecurity, out of lack of trusting that God would care for her whether single or married, out of self-interest to some degree.

Her situation was, well, inevitable.

If I were talking to her directly, I would say it differently because I don't know all the details; but you will be the one who knows best how to advise her during this time, and that's the basic core of the problem as I see it.

What can she do now? I don't think it's glorifying to God for her to make this marriage commitment, then renege on it before the year is out. I think God wants to use her right where she is at, and it's up to her to discover what that means and rely on God to get through it.

I know her heart is hurting, and she realizes she veered off-course, and would like to take back her decision, but God doesn't renege on his commitments, and she needs to become a reflection God in this matter, so that her husband might see God better. Somehow she has to learn how to love a guy with different ideals than herself, who still made vows to her (and is thus committed) even as she committed to him.

It will not be easy. She will need your support, and support from others, to help her to continue to grow without her husband's support and to help her love him despite the fact they will argue about where the marriage is going and how she and he should spend their time. She will learn a lot about unconditional love, more than she ever wanted to know probably...

If she gives up now (and for the wrong reasons, I think, if your explanation was right), she will never deal with the heart problems that led her to commit to the marriage in the first place and will have to regain even more ground spiritually.

Give her a vision -- what can God do in this marriage? What does he see for her, and for her husband? What could her husband be if he chose to believe? What are his gifts, his talents, what is his heart like? How can she love him in a way that reflects the beauty and grace of God, even when he might not be serving her as much as she had hoped?

I speak partly from experience. My in-laws are in the same situation -- my MIL was always a believer, my FIL was always a sweet person but reticent and deals with lots of past hurt. My MIL never gave up on her marriage and continued to love my FIL despite his fear of belief. They just celebrated 40 years, and I have seen lots of subtle changes in him over the years. Her life might not have been everything she had envisioned at the beginning, but it has also been wonderful for her, she doesn't regret it, and she was faithful to her decisions and to God's calling in her life.

You can build a strong marriage even between two people who don't have the same beliefs, it will simply be more difficult and take more energy to maintain.

Again, I just encourage you to stick with your friend. She's going to need you to support, guide, and encourage her throughout this relationship, wherever it might end up going.

Blessings on you both.

Answer 2

12 To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. 13 If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. 15 But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you [1] to peace. 16 Wife, how do you know whether you will save your husband? Husband, how do you know whether you will save your wife?

She should pray for him everyday and get her church to pray for him as well. God’s Delays Do Not Equal God’s Denials. It's only been 9 months. Give it more time (as long as there is no physical or mental abuse). Could be a "growing" phase for her.

Answer 3

It would depend on the circumstances of their marriage. From what you have said, it would appear that there is no abuse and no unfaithfulness in the marriage, therefore she really doesnt have grounds for divorce. At least not according to the Bible. She knew him for this going into the marriage and yet she still chose to marry him so she needs to stay with him. Marriage is intended for life. She will for now have to accept attending church and activities without her husband. I know that is hard to do with church and faith, you want to share that with your spouse and I think when you have church and the lord in your marriage it is so blessed. Could your friend seek counseling from her pastor or a christian marriage counselor? Even if her husband won't go, it could be very beneficial for her to go and to her marriage.
"And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. {14} For the unbelieving husband is sanctified
by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband:
else were your children unclean; but now are they holy. "
(1 Corinthians 7:13-14 KJV).
Ephesians 4:2-3 "Be patient with each other making allowances for each other's faults because of your love. Be led together by the Holy Spirit to be at peace with one another."
Matthew 5:32 "But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to commit adultery, and anyone who marries a woman so divorced commits adultery."

Answer 4

That's a very tough question. You already have the scripture. I have a couple questions.
1. Has he committed adultery?
2. Does she believe this is the man God intended for her to marry.
3. Has she asked the Lord in prayer and fasting?

My suggestion
1. Meet with her pastor
2. Out of the mouth of two or three let every word be established. Wait for confirmation.
3. Pray and fast

I heard the testimony of a lady who was married and after several years of marriage her husband "came out of the closet". She believed in her heart that the Lord did not want her to divorce him. She could have since he was with another man (adultery) but instead she chose to be obedient to the Lord. Years went by and he repented to the Lord and came back to his wife and he is now a pastor of a large church. but on the flip side...I know people who have divorced and it was the right thing too. Just walk through it carefully. Even if you make a mistake the Lord knows you truly want to do what is His will. Sometimes the hard road is the right one. It just depends.

Answer 5

If she has a strong relationship with Christ, unfortunately she has a difficult path ahead of her.

I think the crux here is not that he is an unbeliever but rather she married him for reasons other than love ("she was afraid she would never get married otherwise.")

9 months is too short a period to start regretting his lack of interest. She has made her choice and he hasn't changed. And it is unfair to him that she make this a condition of the marriage.

The passage quoted above makes it clear that a believer/unbeliever marriage is possible. It's won't be easy but she will have to press forward with her own relationship with the Lord *within* the marriage. I leave another verse for you, that gives some assurance.

Matthew 6:33 (New International Reader's Version)
"But put God's kingdom first. Do what He wants you to do. Then all of those things will also be given to you."

Answer 6

Your friend should have listened to her own heart and mind before she got married and never had gotten married. As Maya Angelou says people will tell you who they are from the beginning, it's your fault if you don't believe them or think you're gonna change em.

Unless she's in the catholic church there's no reason why she can't get a divorce or an annulment ,which is what many Catholics are doing now when their marriage is untenable.

He's not her best friend, he doesn't share her values , he's not even making a compromise and why be miserable all your life?

I'd say find a non christian / religious marriage counsellor. Do all you can to make sure the marriage is broken before you make it official but if after that it can't be fixed, divorce and find someone else but make darn sure you 're not building a paper tiger based on illusion again.

Answer 7

I'm sure she knows this by now but if the person doesn't change before marriage then they don't intend to change after marriage. The only thing that can help her situation is if God completes a change in him and God cannot and will not do that until her husband is willing. If you've read 1 Corinthians 7:12-16 it's very plain about what it says. It says don't leave you husband or wife if they don't believe. It says if he is an unbeliever she can't stop him from leaving, but if he does let him depart in peace. Then it closes with a question How do you know you won't be the connection which brings you spouse to Christ? What is there really to question?

Matthew 5:27 says, "Ye have heard it said of the of old time, thou shalt not commit adultery".

Matthew 19:9 And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.

If you truly want to look at this from a Christian or scriptural point of view the only reason she can divorce him and remarry without committing adultery herself is if he has been caught cheating on her.

One can attempt to justify it anyway they want to but it will be God who makes the final judgment not any one of us. He clearly states in his word that no sin will enter into heaven. That includes adultery.

Matthew 5:20 For I say unto you, That except your righteousness shall exceed the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees, ye shall in no case enter into the kingdom of heaven.

Your friend has a choice to make. You can't make it for her, neither can anyone else. Choose this day whom you will serve, but for me and my house we will serve the Lord.

Answer 8

I read the passage. I don't care much for what the Bible says. I think we should make our decisions based on what we know and how we feel about the situation. I think the best thing you should do is be supportive of your friend and try not to judge. After all it's her life. Pray for her to figure it out.

It sounds to me like she should have never married this guy in the first place if her faith is so important to her, but that can't be undone unless there are grounds for an annulment. In many relationships there will always be things that a couple will disagree on, but the key to making it work is to compromise. If they can't compromise, and she'll never be happy, I don't think that she should stay in the marriage just because the Bible says she should. Lucky for her, it sounds like there aren't any kids yet, so it's better that she figures it out now, than when the situation becomes complicated with children.

Answer 9

First, the Bible said that the rigtheouness of the believer will save the unbeliever...(1 Corinthians 7:12-16) is she living in the righteousness of God, truthfully? Second, most people start off a relationship on lies and later expect the reward of truth from the lies, was that the case? Lastly, there is nothing impossible for God to do, has she humbly and prayerfuly asked the will of God to be done or like most people, is she telling God what He should do? The problem has absolutely nothing to do with church. Remember that you can't give anybody God. You can only help them discover God on their own. And it is not true that she still loves him as a best friend but not as a wife....it's like saying I love my kids but hate my wife or husband. Tell your friend to examine her conscience first and then petition God in love and humility.

Answer 10

If you would want to please God and live a better life you should remain with your husband that was given by God. This man will pass through her before he does what pleases God. In life there are the ups and the downs. It is not up to a month that I wanted to divorce my wife just because things were not moving. She said all sort of evil so far as I am cocerned, but if you see the way things are now in the house you will be surprise. There is this saying that God's time is the best. She should not do that. God is seeing what is happening and will surely come to her help.

Answer 11

My first marriage was to a non christian man. We had 2 children after our firstborn died of SIDS. That is when I became a christian..he never did. He drank & partied a lot & I decided I was not raising my children in that enviroment. I was raised in a christian home & also did not like the idea of divorce. But I discussed it with my pastor & agreed with what he said...that divorce is not the unpardonable sin...that God would forgive me. I did give him several chances to change but ...the life he wanted was the partying & I refused to be a part of it. I divorced & was on my own with my 2 boys for over a year. I prayed God would send me a christian man that would love me AND my boys. And what a awesome God I serve...He sent me that man & we have been married for nearly 22 years now. And were also blessed with a daughter who is now 21 & in college. We all make mistakes, especially when we are young. And often people think marriage will change someone...but that rarely happens if they don't want to change. Maybe your friend should try some counseling from her pastor & if she feels she still can not go on with this marriage, she could proceed with the divorce. God knows her heart and He wants to bless His children. But it is ultimately a decision she has to make on her own.
Good Luck & God Bless!