i need help doing a list of rules for the kids??any parents have any ideas?

Question

we have a 14 yr.old girl and 11 yr. old boy that are mine,my son lives with me,my daughter is living with her dad because she don't like my rules, my bf has an 9yr old boy, and 6 yr. old girl that stays every other weekend. this is are main arguement, on what rules and what is age approriate, he feels I spoil mine and I feel he spoils his, which he doesn't make his kids stick to the rules like he expects mine to, mine are older but they aren't use to all these rules, I just moved in with my bf a few months ago and this seems to be are main issue.some of his rules are a bit much, i want my kids to feel at home but they wer running all over me and now my son listens really good. My daughter couldn't handle having to help (1)chore a day per kid, picking up after herself,use manners, no arguing with me,etc. and so she went to stay at her dad's. We CAN"T AGREE ON PARENTING OR RULES, we did but he isn't upholding the same rules for his, i'm pissed about it and so is my kids. HELP!!

Answer 1

Even if you do not like Dr. phil read his book on parenting. There is a section on blended families. The both of you have to sit down make a list of rules and negotiate what you both think is important rules. Then stick to them on both sides. All children from the age they can walk and grab toys out of their toy boxes should be expected to pick up after themselves. Also be repespectful of adults. Believe me kids are going to pick up on the two of you not agreeing. Do read Family First by Dr. Phil I don't agree with his everyday views but I have read two of his books on family and they have working for my child.

Answer 2

Here's a thought, why didnt you and your boyfriend discuss this before moving in together? That would have stopped the problem before it started. My boyfriend and I don't even have kids, but we've already discussed how we plan on raising them if we ever do.

One chore a day??? That sounds simple enough. Picking up after yourself? Whats the problme. You didn't list any rules that I wouldn't expect followed, no matter what the age.

You and your boyfriend need to sit down and you need to tell him that his kids need to follow the same rules as yours... if not, you need to move out. Your children will never respect your rules if your boyfriend lets his kids do whatever they want. If you can't fix the problem, maybe its time to find a new boyfriend.

kdancergirl listed rules for a 14 year old and a 10 year old right above mine.. and I have to say.. I think it's rediculous!!

A 10 year old can't go out w/out an adult? Me and my friends used to get dropped off at the skating rink all the time.. or ride bikes up to mcdonalds. At 10 we were staying home by ourselves all summer. And what kind of parent lets a 14 year old stay out until 11:30? Most cities have curfews now that make it mandatory that all children under 16 be inside between 9 and 10pm.

And why shouldn't a 10 year old be able to ask why when told to do something?? This is why so many kids are abused and molested by people in authority.. because they are afraid to ask why. And your child will be more likely to do something if you give them a reason. Because I said so doesn't count!!

Try this:

All children pick up after themselves (dishes, toys, etc)
All children have a bed time (this will obviously be different depending on the ages)
All children must tell you where they are at and who they are with (I went places with guys when I was 14, they were friends, not boyfriends, whats the problem)
All children will ask what time you want them home.
All children will have one weekly chore (cleaning bathroom, living room, kitchen, trash - and by cleaning, I mean vacuum, dust, mop - their stuff should be cleaned up every day)

These are the only rules I ever had - my whole life - until I was 18 then it was call if I'm not coming home.

The most important thing is that your kids respect you, or they will never listen.

I respected my mom - she was a single mom- and I always did the chores she told me to do, and followed the rules.. I guess thats why I didn't have a lot of rules.

And also, think about the example you are setting for your kids by moving in with your boyfriend...

Answer 3

Well, you need to compromise. Each of you write out a list of your rules. Then, sit down and DISCUSS IT. You are adults, you should be mature enough for that. After you've each made your defense for each rule, swap lists and try and see from their perspective how this rule might be better, or why you don't like it. (Come up with at least 3 GOOD reason per rule.) If you can't, the rules apply. Courtesy and good manners are a must, since they are severely lacking in this world. Have the lists (for rules that made it through) compiled. Sit down WITH THE KIDS and discuss it together with them. That they will follow the rules REGARDLESS of which of you it is. Don't let them use the "you aren't my mom therefore not my boss excuse." Make it clear that they follow the SAME rules, and that BOTH of you will enforce them. Best of luck to you.

Answer 4

OK ... speaking as someone who has been in similar situations both as the child and as a single mom: Your kids are more important than any boyfriend. Period.

If your kids don't like him, it's not a good fit, and it will only breed tension and eventually contempt, which sounds like it may already be the case with your daughter. Perhaps her problem isn't with "the rules", but rather their inconsistent application. Really consider whether the boyfriend is worth potential long-term damage to your relationship with her.

If your parenting styles are so far apart that you find you're arguing constantly and it's causing an unstable atmosphere in your home, seek couples counseling. If your boyfriend won't accept counseling, seek another boyfriend.

I used to be a single mom, too. It's not easy. Don't make it harder on yourself and your children just to have a man around. Girl, it just ain't worth it.

Answer 5

So you have a total of four kids caught in the middle of a tangled relationship. You've moved in with your boy friend. Big deal. A boy friend doesn't cut any ice with your kids, and your kids know it. If he was a husband, that indicates some sort of permanent relationship, and they could come to accept that. But a boy friend is just mommy's sh*ck-up and they won't accept that.
The reason you and your boy friend can't agree on rules for parenting is that you are trying to make rules for people that aren't your children, don't feel like your children, and who have nothing invested in your relationship. Good for your daughter for moving out. Sounds like she's the only one who's seeing clearly in this situation.
If you want a very clear insight into your situation, read Dr. Laura Schlessinger's books. Or call her on the radio at 1-800 Dr Laura. She's on dozens of stations all around the dial.

Answer 6

1. Agree on a set of rules for all and you must enforce them consistently with all the children. If you can't do this then live in separate homes or it will fail.

2. Explain to your kids that there are rules everywhere in life. Many or most of them you will not agree with or like. There are consequences for breaking rules whether you like them or not.

3. Alot of the rules we make are necesary to prepare them for adult life.

Heed number 1. Trust me from experience.

Dr. Phil's books have some good ideas and so do stepfamily sites. We started with a list similar the the one at the site listed below. Modify them to your taste.

Answer 7

Well rules should be different for a 6 year old and a 14 year old. I mean, the 14 year old should be allowed to do more, but also have more respondsibility. My nephews have the same problem. They have so many people watching them that they have so many different rules with different people. If they are at my house and i tell them that they can't do something, their reply is "my dad lets me do it". I think we need to all agree on rules. That is what you should try to do with your ex, i know it will probably be hard, but with divorced parents, it makes it alot easier for your kids to get away with things. Especually since you have a teenager. She will find it easy to get away with things.

For the 14 year old:

1) be home by 11:30 unless we tell you otherwise
2) we know who you are with and where you are, if you are one place, then leave and go somewhere else, you call us
3) you clean up after yourself: put dishes in dishwasher, clean bathroom after getting out, etc
4) You are allowed to ask "why" when you are told to do something, or you can't do something, but you are not allowed to argue about it.
5) you are allowed to go out with guys if it is a group of friends, no just going out with you and a guy.

the 11 year old:

1) Can't go out unless there will be an adult there
2)cleans up after himself
3)is allowed to ask why, but wont argue

Well i could go one, but i am kinda tired, and i think you understand what i mean.

good luck

Answer 8

We have very simple rules in our house.

1. Be respectful (to both people and property).
2. Be responsible.
3. Be kind and gentle.

I think those three rules pretty much cover anything that can come up.

Answer 9

Kids know that if the parents can't agree on rules together that they can get away with murder...so you and your bf have to agree or it will NOT work

Answer 10

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