would you tell them? i decided not to, because i didn't want to cause them the pain of knowing something that bad had happened to their daughter, but if I think about it, if I had a daughter I would want to know so that I could be there for her..I'm confused and unsure..I know how awful it would feel for them, but at the same time, I feel almost dishonest in that I'm carrying the burden of a dreadful thing and it's like a secret. i truly, truly don't know what to do. The thing happened 7 years ago when I was 21.
2006-08-21 12:59:54 · 41 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
it was such a terrible thing that I could imagine it was haunt my poor mother to her grave....BUT at the same time she is the strongest most wonderful mother a girl could ever wish for..I really really don't know what to do. I was kidnapped and raped when I went travelling, and I was in such fear of my life, and possible repurcussions after I got home (knowing they had contacts in this country) that I couldn't say anything immediately after it happened. Time went on and it became harder and harder to make that decision of whether I should tell her. My like is good now, but this incident still (i think understandably) haunts me, and I can't help but think, if it were my daughter, I would want to know. But that's my opinion and feeling, that of the same person who didn't want to tell for fear of inflicting that hurt in the person she loves the most. I can't be objective about this, but i can anonymously ask your opinion, and I hope you can help me.
2006-08-21 13:20:09 · update #1
tell them - if youre still carrying this around after 7 years then you need to tell them - im a parent, i'd want to know and help. Its what we're here for.
2006-08-21 13:06:18 · answer #1 · answered by phil d 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I really don't think you need an answer from any of us. To this day it still upsets you that you have had this "secret". I'm sure in your heart you know what you should do. Seven years is a long time and yet it seems to be on the top of your mind.
I think there are a few things that you need to consider first before you come to a decision. The age and health of your parents first. As it happened 7 years ago, I know that you feel dishonest by not telling them, but will their health be affected if you told them at this time? Next, is there still any kind of risk involved now that your parents may not be able to go through?
I know how horrible this is to have inside of you and not sure of what to do. I can tell you that regardless of your age then, your age now, the secret does not go away or get easier with time. I too, had a secret. I was unable to tell either of my parents due to their ill health and the additional problems it would cause. They both passed never knowing my "secret". It still haunts me that I never got the chance to tell them or even to be able to make that decision.
2006-08-21 17:40:23 · answer #2 · answered by Tweek 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's a tough one, I suppose that it would depend on your ability to bear the burden alone. You could abide by that cliche of "What they don't know won't hurt them", which in this case you are. But if you reveal your secret not only will they have to live with this dreadful thing but also the fact that you kept it from them for 7 years. That raises a whole different set of questions which you seem to be unable or unprepared to answer just yet.
If I were you I would live by those cliches (let sleeping dogs lie is a good one too). Justify your actions by realizing the good you have done by sparing them the suffering of your painful incident (which, by the way, I am sorry to hear you had to live through). I think that you need to clear your own thoughts and start to look past this for both of you.
Good Luck and I hope you feel better soon.
2006-08-21 13:12:30 · answer #3 · answered by Ren Hoek 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Okay, yes sweetie, you really need to tell your mother, i bet that you mom has known all along that there is something wrong with you,mothers get these feelings about their kids. You have been carrying this secret around for all those years, It sounds like its really eating away at you, my daughter got raped when she was 14, and i found out walking up town, a this friend of the family told me, i just took my girl to the doctors, had her checked out, and supported her through it all, but i was hurt that she didn't come to me and tell me.. but we sorted it all. So as you see i am no expert and don't pretend to be, just life experiences, so i think that you should tell your Mother, I am sure she will be okay, and that weight on your shoulders will be gone, and you and your mum can deal with it together, good luck sweetie, god bless
2006-08-21 15:34:33 · answer #4 · answered by donua1022 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You didn't tell them at the time because you wanted to spare them pain, so you felt they weren't able to handle it. Or they wouldn't understand and support you and might be judgemental or try to tell you what to do.
Thats the reaction of someone who doesn't fully trust their parents, and doesn't expect support; you felt they'd be so wrapped up in their own reaction they wouldn't be there for you.
I'd suggest you get support elsewhere. You feel you are carrying a burden, and you don't need to feel that way. You didn't do anything wrong and the burden is not yours to carry! Hand it over to someone else, get counselling.
You're not being dishonest. No one tells their family every detail of their life. You wouldn't want to know what goes on in your parents bedroom! They wouldn't tell you something that personal. You have the right to privacy.
Get counselling both for yourself, and to help you decide why you feel this way and what to do.
Good luck.
2006-08-21 13:15:38 · answer #5 · answered by sarah c 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all Honey you need to address as to how brave you can be at this time, if you can then first of all go to the police and tell THEM what happened to you (they will understand the time scale, there has been plenty of people taken to court later than 7yrs) once you have established a relationship with the police, they will assign you a family liaison officer, whereby that person will help to explain what happened to you to your parents, this will make the passage down that road a whole lot easier for all of you...And at the end of the day these people that did this to you are roaming around scott free and probably doing this to other girls RIGHT NOW, they have to be stopped.....B******rds....look at my profile than you will know a bit about me, then if you want to talk email me through this site and I will give you my personal email address
2006-08-22 03:33:52 · answer #6 · answered by Denise W 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
im a mother of 3. i tell u what - if u could contact your mother during the time while it was happening sure u should have told her. but when everything is in the past now i wouldn't advice u to tell. your mother can't change anything anymore, and this blame will haunt her till the rest of her life - that u were in pain and she didn't help u. so i strongly suggest do not tell your mother now, spare her from that guilt. if u feel like talking to someone go to shrink, there at least u get professional help. i wish u luck with coping, please be strong
2006-08-21 19:06:00 · answer #7 · answered by jacky 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It was 7 years... you have kept it a secret for 7 whole years and now you wanted to tell your parents after 7 years...
If it's a personal problem, you try solving it yourself without burdening your parents... but that'll make your parents worry you if they ever found out... They might have known it for 7 years too but they're just waiting for you to explain to them...
Most people are confused and unsure what to do next... thinking like needing help is better to solve the problem or doing this problem alone is best for experience....
I too suggest you should tell your parents...
but be careful in what you say... Wrong words can lead you to wrong way...
Never hurts to be prepared...
Just be careful...n Good Luck
2006-08-21 13:21:15 · answer #8 · answered by Ace Striker 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know what you mean but if its been worrying you all this time I think you should tell them. Half the problem may be that you feel guilty because you havent told them and if they ever found out you will then have that to deal with. Whatever it was, it wont be as bad for them as it was for you and so long as they are generally sound they'll be able to handle it. They may have noticed changes in you that they cant understand becos of it. Honesty is best policy. Good luck.
2006-08-21 13:13:17 · answer #9 · answered by lennylil 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It depends on what the secret is. And I know you said you're feeling guilty but it's been so long now, you should just let it go. You've obviously learned your lesson and there's no harm done, so don't cause trouble now by telling your parents that you did something bad seven years ago. I was in a really bad accident last year and unfortunately the ER doctor broke his confidentiality rules by telling my dad about what drugs were in my system. The doctor broke the law when he told him too because I was of age...I was 20. I wish he hadn't told my dad, because it did hurt him. I learned my lesson and I would have felt less disappointed in myself if he hadn't found out. But then again, maybe knowing how upset and sad it made him, has kept me from ever doing it again.
2006-08-21 13:08:20 · answer #10 · answered by Jenn 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Yes, I would tell them, especially since now, seven years later, this issue is still bothering and affecting you. It is a sign of your strength of character to want to protect them from pain, but they are your parents and are here FOR you. By not telling them, you deny them an opportunity to give you their assurance, understanding and wisdom, as well as support. Secrets are not healthy; it is better to be open with them, no matter what. The truth will set you free. Good luck.
2006-08-21 13:15:02 · answer #11 · answered by Rhonda 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋