Girlfriend of 3 yrs. hasnt had sex w/ me nor will she let me!?

Question

She's 34, I'm 28. She has 3 children. Her biggest thing is that she was abused by the boy's dad and her ex-husband raped her from what she says! Now I've been seeing her for 3 yrs., Have NEVER pushed the subject but here's the kicker, I pay most of the bills! I think I know what the answers are going to be but go ahead and let me have it. I mean Is she treating me like a scapegoat?

Answer 1

She will come to you sooner or later. Maybe she wants a ring on her finger first.

Answer 2

I checked out your profile, you've asked this same question 4 times previously. All of the best answers for those questions were or are being chosen by a vote.

Why do you keep asking the same question over and over again? If this really is a serious problem (NOT make-believe), then seek a relationship counselor.

If she doesn't agree to see a counselor, leave her. Some of the answers given here have a naive, wish-washy tone: "Well, maybe she's just not ready, and wants a serious commitment" or "Well, she was really traumatized, and needs time to heal, you have to be as understanding as possible, and continue bending over backwards and bending your wallet inside-out to prove that you really are Prince Charming and deserving of her love."

SCREW THAT. No, she's not obligated to have sex with you, regardless of whether you pay her bills. But at the same time, you are NOT obligated to pay her bills. Love DOES NOT equal money. Stop paying her bills (if you can muster the self-confidence to do so) and she how she treats you then. It couldn't possibly be any worse than how she's treating you right now.

Yes, if she's honestly not using you, she may be refusing to have sex with you because she has an STD, or because of her (true) traumatic experiences. But if she's honestly traumatized and never wants to have sex, but knows that you do, and still wishes to KEEP you in the relationship, what does that say about her? It says that she is SELF-CENTERED and doesn't care about what you want - especially since there's been no progress after three years. Some women like the convenience of a man, and enter into relationships of convenience, to have a man around to fix things, pay their bills, and babysit their children. But they aren't actually attracted to the man, and make excuses for not wanting to have sex.

Only a few of the answers here were insightful enough to understand that - many others instantly sympathized with your supposed girlfriend's needs without even considering your own. Oh sure, true love is about sacrificing everything for that perfect princess while putting yourself second, third, or fourth. Well, no one is perfect, nor deserving of unconditional love if they can't provide it themselves. It's harsh, but it's true. I say this because you posted in a previous question that she nevers tells you that she loves you nor does anything to make you feel that way.

But what about your desires for the future? Do you want children of your own? Could you imagine a sexless future? Is everything going to be about her, when she's ready, blah blah blah? By that same attitude, all women would be wrong to pressure a man to propose to them, because the men aren't ready. How ludicrous.

Plus, if she STD, that is not the end of the world. You could talk to a doctor about what precautions you might want to take if you both would like to get intimate.

Something is definitely strange here - and you're very responsible for this predicament, since you have given her everything she could possibly ever want, while denying yourself everything that you could ever want. If this is a real situation, then I honestly believe that she is using you. Either live with being a doormat for the rest of your life, or find someone who cares enough about you to respect your desires in a relationship, and respects you enough to be honest.

PS - Prince Charming is just a self-serving fantasy for women who refuse to compromise. There are no perfect people, that includes supposed princes and princesses. Normal, healthy relationships involve mutual respect, sacrifice by both parties, and open dialogue about each other's desires and wishes for the future. All relationships will have difficulties - if one person always refuses to give ground, then it's not a relationship - it's not even a friendship.

Answer 3

She's looking for a permanent commitment maybe. Maybe as well she believes it's such a relief to not be the victim of an aggressive partner that she is enjoying all the other aspects of this relationship that she didn't have with her others. Recovering from abuse and rape takes much time; give her time or be honest with her and move on if sex is what you require of her before she's willing to allow it. Being with her for three years already despite what she's gone through, you sound like a top-notch guy. Good luck.

Answer 4

First of all, has the no sex thing always been an issue for you? And if so, then why are you deciding to ask this question after investing 3 years of your time? It seems as though your girlfriend may be best on her own, she has alot of issues she needs to resolve before being in a relationship with anyone and she has children that she needs to raise. I am sure you care about her, either you two go to couple's therapy or you take the high road and move on to make yourself happy. Life is the longest thing we do, but if you aren't happy, it can be the shortest and you sound unhappy.

Answer 5

I don't wanna be mean or cruel but you are being used. Why you didn't press for her to receive counseling after the first year I have no idea. You should tell her that the two of you are looking for different things in a relationship and you think it's time to move on to give you both the opportunity to find it. It won't be easy because you sound like a good guy but eventually, you are going to realize it's necessary. Hopefully, it won't take you too long. Good Luck.

Answer 6

1. Sex is meant to produce a relationship so close it cannot be broken without serious damage - either heartbreak or destruction of the ability love and give ourselves to another.

So it must be entered intentionally. Permanent relationships do not happen by accident, they happen when we take 100% responsibility for our lives, our decisions and actions, put our intended partner first (even above Mom and Dad), and make a permanent commitment to each other - in front of other people so we're accountable.

Quite frankly, your girlfriend sounds like she has a lot of work to do before she could do that, because she's still not 'gotten past her past', so to speak. And it sounds like you have a lot of thinking to do too, if you are even *thinking* of having sex before marriage.

See, if we do things the right way, we spare ourselves a lot of trouble and temptation, because we are focused on doing what needs to be done to have a good, lasting relationship.

And who needs third parties intruding, or breakups? No one. And if we and our partner are both doing the right thing, then we spare ourselves all that. Or even if the other party doesn't hold up their end, then the one who does, has a clear conscience.

2. Why are you paying her bills? Are you trying to buy her love? You have put yourself in a very uncomfortable position, because if you stop paying the bills, she will just take it as more evidence that men are abusers.

Not that her view is your problem. Your problem is that in this case, given your apparent attitude, she is entirely right to think that about you. You apparently want to buy your way into her pants - which is nothing more than prostitution.

Nor am I suggesting that marrying her is going to solve this. If you marry her just to be able to get in her pants, that too is prostitution. Or if she agrees to marriage and sex just to keep the money coming in, that is prostitution.

For marriage to work, both parties have to get out of that kind of thinking and realize that love is a choice - one having ultimately nothing to do with feelings, although good feelings can come from it. Love is indeed something that can be commanded. We are *commanded* to love even our enemies, in fact! Love is a beautiful thing, and if we show love to any person, we are showing love to the God who created us all.

If any person is unable to do what is required, then they need to stay single and celibate as long as that is the case. Otherwise they will just wreck the lives of themselves and others - in your case, her children and yours, if you have any together.

But most importantly, we need to respect that the sexual relationship has a spiritual element. If people have sex in other circumstances besides marriage, they in fact open themselves to spiritual influences from the dark side from which only God will be able to release them. On the other hand, if you make that commitment and consummate your relationship, God joins you together. And that must be respected.

Bottom line: You have indeed put yourself in a difficult position, and only this kind of eternal perspective will enable you to put all the elements of your relationship together in some kind of sensible order. Among other things, doing this will show you what to do about the financial side of the matter; at any rate, I would not try to be non-platonic until both of you are able to think about your relationship from that eternal perspective.

Answer 7

I think it is psychological. Her brain is telling her that if she has sex with you bad things will happen to her just as they did in her past. She is smart and she is protecting herself. Bad things happen to women because they have had sex. Now, she has 3 children, been abused and raped. Her common sense is telling her not to have sex with you. Sex is no longer important to her & maybe money is, probably because she has to support 3 children. After being pregnant, abuse, raped and having 3 children I do not think I would want sex much either. Sorry.

After I had children I did not want to have sex very much either I think my body and brain knew that a 9 month prenancy, delivery (hell) etc. is a result of sex and the average male does not think about this.
Sex is no longer important and paying the bills & basic survival is. Maybe you need a different girlfriend.

Answer 8

WHY! Are you letting her use you like a doormat your 28 years old, young and so full of life what a waste. Do you have low self-esteem that you would let someone use you like that! I want you to pick up the phone and CALL HER RIGHT NOW! AND SAY ITS OVER AND YOUR DONE WITH HER! Do not let her speck a word hang up change your number do every thing in your power not to ever let her in your life again. move on young man and fine someone your own age (without children).

Answer 9

thats because she has been traumatized by the situation, however i would bring up the subject that, sex with her is not what your after and i have 3years to prove it, just pretty much explain that sex is not an issue but you have needs and i cant wait no more.. either that or shes hiding something from you, like shes bangn another guy, or she might have an std, but loves you to much to let you know that. If you have no ties to her such as biological children or married, i would move on...!!!

Answer 10

Stop being a doormat! You pay most of the bills, i dont believe how gullible some people can be. PUSH now!

Stop paying the bills and start using the money you save to date other girls who actually ARE attracted to you because she is obviously using every excuse under the sun to avoid intimacy and, even curiouser, you believe her.

You have self esteem problems DUDE, i mean MEGA.

Answer 11

Seems like you took on more then you planned to. She is coming with A LOT of baggage (ready-made family, issues with abuse, etc.). If I were 28 -- I think I'd want to find a single girl who has something to offer you and that the relationship would be healthy. Although sex isn't everything -- it is a huge part of a relationship and it's important.