any jokes?

Question

i had a very stress-filled, frustrating day at work. do you have any GOOD. CLEAN jokes that i could relax with?

they must be FUNNY.

blonde jokes would do.

Answer 1

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
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A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you want to hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things:

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is a blonde professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Answer 2

RIGHT THEN! There's an Englishman, a scottishman and an irishman. They decide to have a contest: Who can throw their watch from the top of a forty storey building, run down the stairs and catch it. The Englishman got ready at the top of the building. " Oh i say this will be jolly easy", he said as he threw the watch out of the window. He ran down the stairs but not in enough time. Next up was the Scottishman. " Och me laddies, i'll beat you, you wee sissy pants!" He said as he threw the watch out of the window. He ran all the way down the stairs but he was too late and didn't manage to catch the watch. Next was the Irishman. " Yarrr!" He said as he threw the watch out of the window. Instead of running down the stairs he had a shower, ate his dinner, read a book, did some hoovering, washed up and then finally ran down the stairs and caught the watch.
" Oh i say, how did you do that old chap!?" asked the englishman.
" My watch was two hours slow" Replied the Irishman.

Answer 3

A blonde walked into a doctor's office with two burnt ears. The doctor asked her, "What happened to your ear?" The blonde replied, "I was ironing and the phone rang, so instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and put it to my ear.
Still not satisfied, the doctor asked, "Well, what happened to the other ear?"
"The sucker called again!"



One day 2 blondes decided to drive to Disney Land. When they saw a sign that said 'Disney Land left' they turned around and went home.


A man was trimming his bushes. His neighbor (the blonde) walks out, checks her mail only to see that it's empty, and goes back inside.
Five minutes later, she comes back out, checks her mail again only to see that it's still empty, and goes back in.
The third time she comes out, the man asks her, "Excuse me, is there a problem?"
The blonde replies, "Darn right there's a problem! My computer keeps on telling me 'I've got mail'!"

Answer 4

okay.....There was a Black man, White man, Indian man and a Mexican man.
All four where on top of a cliff discussing the difficulties that their
people had gone through. The Indian said, "my people have suffered the
most, and in honor of what they have endured, I will fling myself off
this cliff in hope that my blood will change things!
So he yelled, "this is for my people!", and jumped off the cliff.
The Mexican, not wanting to be outdone, quickly looked at the other two
and followed suit yelling, "this is for my people!" and jumped off the
cliff as well.
The Black man was touched by this, and decided it was his turn.
So he yelled, "this is for my people!", and pushed the white man off the
cliff!

Answer 5

The teacher asks her 2nd grade class if they can make some sentances out of 'green, pink, and yellow'. The first girl raises her hand. She points at her."Okay, Jenny. Go ahead".
Jenny stands up beside her desk and answers, "I have a green pencil that has has pink and yellow polka dots on it." Excited about her pen, she waives her pen around for all to see.
The teacher thanks Jenny for her response and asks for her to be seated. Then she sees Derick in the first row who is eager to answer next. "Okay, Derick. Do you have one?"
Derick replies, "Yes. Outside my yard the grass is green. We also have a lot of pink and yellow flowers that grow in pretty terra cotta pots."
"Very good, Derick," says the teacher. Then she was going to move on to another question when she sees a hand in the back. It was Humberto who is usually shy because of his English learning skills. She sees this as an opportunity for him to be more courageous. So she looks at Humberto. "Humberto? Can you make a sentance out of green, pink, and yellow?"
Humberto excitingly answers her. "Yes, yes. Okay... The phone, it go green green. So I go and I pink it up and then I say yellow!!"

Answer 6

There is this cowboy who has an old horse.. So he was looking for a new one.. He saw one in the newspaper for pretty cheap so he decided to go check it out.. So he went there and he liked it it was beautiful.. so he bought it.. the the guy he bought it from said he will only go when u say holy cow and he will only stop when u say amen.. so he got on the horse and he kicked the side she didnt budge so he waz like holy cow.. she started running.. he said woah horse. she didnt stop then he waz like amen! and she stopped.. he thought 2 himself i could get used 2 this.. so he waz like holy cow holy cow holy cow.... he waz enjoying the ride and not paying attention.. when he looked 4ward he saw a cliff... he waz like woah stop stop u stupid horse amen!! he stopped rite on the edge of the cliff wiped the sweat off his forehead and said.. HOLY COW!

Answer 7

There are 3 guys - one from TCU, SMU and A&M
They are talking about their science projects. Tje guy from TCU says "For our science project we are building a rocket."
The guy from SMU says "That's nothing. We are building a rocket and going to the moon."
The guy from A&M is laughing hysterically and says "Are you kidding, that's nothing! We are building a rocket and going to the sun."
The other two guys start laughting and manage to say "You stupid aggie. You can't go to the sun, you'll burn up."
The Aggie says "Nope....We're going at night!"

Answer 8

umm.. well i have a story to tell..
ok ready?
when i was at this family thing today met my broher's new gf she was very strange so i decided to leave her on with my brother i noticed she followed me so i decided to go into the house since it wasnt her family's house i thought she wouldnt come but she did anyway and thats when i was getting kinda scared so i asked her if she's going to to rest room she said no and then went back to my brother weird huh?..

Answer 9

ok this ones old but it gets me everytime

a man walks into a bar. he says ow.

hahaha

ok i hope you liked that. watch a funny movie that you love or a good show. relax, listen to music look at photos. call a friend. take a nap. good luck and feel better!!!
keep smiling
:)
:D

Answer 10

Why does the chicken NOT cross the road?
cuz KFC`s on the other side! lol