how do you tell him?

Question

I have been married now for 3 months and my husband's 4 year old daughter is so spoiled she won't even dress herself. she throughs a fit until daddy does it for her. She plays rough and even violently with her toys and her father and grandmother. All of this behavior is encouraged by her father. We are now expecting a child of our own early next spring. I watch his daughter's behavior and I fear for the saftey of my baby. I have tried to explain to him but he sees it as me not liking her and not loving him. How do I tell him if the behavior doesn't improve I don't want her around our baby?

her mother is a drunk who doesn't seem to care.

Answer 1

If a counselor is an option I would try it. Otherwise, does he have some family that might be willing to listen and pass on the vibe so it's not coming from you? I'm sure you know this but the worst thing to do is to give into a tantrum. It trains the child to use that technique more often. Have him try putting her in time-out until she'll listen. If time is an issue, start getting her ready earlier so that she has the time to be in time-out. Good luck!

Answer 2

First of all, you have to be patient. Losing a parent and getting a new one at the same time, is often very traumatic for a child, regardless of their age. This inappropriate behavior is most likely a manifestation of the trauma that your stepdaughter may be going through. Your husband may even realize this and is trying to minimize conflict and problems by enabling her behavior. You have to first let her get used to you and come to realize that you are a friend, not an intruder into her family. Bring her home a treat one day as a surprise, or invite her to go out and do an activity that she likes just between the two of you (i.e. most kids at this age like to go to fast food restraurants that have the play areas). But the most important thing to do is be PATIENT and give it time. Remember, this is a 4-year old girl, not a rational-minded adult like you and I. If after a while you've done all you can do to form a relationship with her and she is still behaving this way, then you need to talk to your husband about this. Let him know and point out to him the specific examples/instances in which you've done your best to develop a friendship and intimate bond with her. From then on, the ball is in his court. Remember one thing though (and this is very important), his daughter takes a higher priority than you do in his life. Good luck, love!

Answer 3

This should have been an issue before you were married. Its difficult caring for step children, especially if they are hard to control. Its a very tough role especially because you are pregnant. I don't know your situation but I get a feeling your husband condones his daughters behavior because he doesn't want her to feel left out and may feel a little guilty that he has a new family. Allowing her to act this way will not get any better unless it is taken care of now. He needs to know that he is sending her negative signals. Allowing her to act violent is something that is very destructive both physically and mentally. Aggressive behavior usually escalates unless it is taken seriously, and if your husband and mother in law allow it, then maybe they need to be told by someone other than yourself. By the way, is her mother part of the problem as well? Just curious

Answer 4

Hi,
She is now in competition with you and now your Baby to be,,,
She needs reassurance that her Daddy will still love her,
This will take some time and Growing a little, Try to Give her all the time she needs to get used to the Ideal that she Has to share her Daddy with someone else, Make her feel welcomed, Do girl things together, have her Daddy spend some alone time with her, Let him explain to her in her own way of understanding that Daddy still loves her and she will always be his girl even if he now has a new wife and baby on the way! let her go to the Doctor with you and be apart of it all, Then praise her and tell her what great help she will be!
I hope this helps .

Answer 5

Find a way to have others view this childs behavior. Friends, family, pediatrician. Keep talking about it but make sure it's calm and direct.
4 years old is not old enough to know better so don't blame her. Where is the childs birth mother? Can she help?
Your husband might need a time out of his own. I don't think he cares about you very much.

Answer 6

There is no easy way for you to do that but you have to find a way for the sake of your baby as well as your sanity.
First you should correct the child and if he has a problem with that then you will have to compromise on discipline.
When you blend families you don't do the child any favors by not disciplining them. I know the law says a step parent cannot spank but there are other forms of discipline and it sounds like you need to find an appropriate discipline that will allow you and your step daughter to bond and forn a respectful relationship.
Your husband is not helping by allowing the child to be a wedge between you both. The child is not the problem it is the lack of respect that she has been taught. You and your husband will have teach her to respect you and herself.

Answer 7

This should have been addressed long time before the "I do's". You are in an uphill climb but it can be resolved. Keep expressing to him that you are scared for your baby that is due soon and maybe he'll start to see things in a different light. If it was me, when the girl did something that was not right or dangerous, point it out right then and make himsee it in your eyes. Good luck and watch your baby at all times when the hethan is around.

Answer 8

Did you not notice this child's behavior before you got married? Or did the behavior change after you marriage? In any case, I would start discipling your step daughter yourself. Start gently with clear boundaries and consequences and ALWAYS follow through. Expalin to your husband that in order for your family to function in a happy, constructive way, that he needs to be involved in the discipling of both your children-and that doesn't mean giving in and to every tantrum or whim that you kids may have. Explain to him that in order to raise independent, happy , well rounded kids a parent must teach their kids how to learn the simple acts of everday life (like dressing oneself) and communication (using your words instead of screaming & crying until you get your way). If he doesn't want to help you do this, maybe you could get him to at least get in to some sort of family counseling or parenting class. But talk to him without puting the focus on what he isn't doing-Use the word "we" a lot. Hope this helps.

Answer 9

ok let's be reasonable shall we !!!u have ur husband daughter that she have nothing to do but to annoy u and play with her toys in tough way and always depend on her father totally right!! don't u think that she tries to let u notice that she loves her dad alot and don't want ya steal his love (her father) that is a normal thing,u should tell ur husband that he should from now on take responsability of making his daughter get dress by herself and taht she should respect the wife i mean u and always try to ask her after every day at school how was her day and did she met any of friends that she'll like to invite to play with or anything.
it is so important to let the kid know that u r in charge and i mean that u and the dad nomatter what should react together again that behaviour with patient and restricted and always tell the girl that she is a girl and need to play with toys not that tought hope that helpsss.

Answer 10

Point to something concrete she has done--something she has broken or someone she has been violent toward--as soon as she does it, and point out to your husband that if she had done that to your baby, the baby would be injured. Tell him that your feelings are not personal to him or to his daughter, but in concern and protection of your child who is on his (her) way. Keep emphasizing the new baby; put the focus on your concern for the baby rather than on his daughter's behavior. Good luck with this difficult situation.