How do I tell my wife that I dont' want any children? It would devastate her?

Question

She comes from a large family and I know she wants to have a child(s). Both of us are 30yrs old. Honestly, I can't escape the horrors of my own childhood and can't see how I could be an effective father. I don't even enjoy sex with my wife anymore because of the fear of having children. It would break her heart, but what am I to do?

Answer 1

Wow...that topic should've been clearly discussed before marriage...or did you discuss it and fib to her?

Answer 2

This is something that should have been discussed before that ring went on her finger.

Why should your childhood effect you being a dad? Obviously you had a bad time of it, but you should turn the story around and prove what a good dad you can be. It would be a shame if that was your only reason for not wanting kids. As you say, your wife will be devasted & I'm sure deep down, you feel the same.

Sit her down, and tell her your concerns. She probably already picked up on the fact that your sex drive has gone as she might feel it is something that she has done - she deserves an explanation at least.

Good luck, this is your future at stake :-)

Answer 3

First, you need to see a good therapist to help you make sense of you childhood and put it into perspective. My own father was raised by a raging alcoholic who regularly brought men home; he kicked them out sometimes. By all accounts, he should have been a horrible father and an alcoholic... but he wasn't. He overcame it by sheer will.

My mom was cold and never really bonded with me. It was emotional abuse really. I myself thought I'd be a horrible parent... then you have a child and it all just falls into place. Especially if you have a bad childhood, you KNOW all the mistakes that can be made and you are more likely to NOT make them (as my own therapist told me when I was pregnant and freaking out).

Second, you need to have a down and dirty honest discussion with your wife. Tell her how you feel... every little tiny fear, everything. She's your partner in this life and she deserves to know what you're feeling about this very important thing. It has an effect on your life, sure, but her life as well... especially if it's something she's wanted her whole life.

Answer 4

Prepare for divorce. If you haven't been honest with her about this up to now I don't think you will ever overcome her sense of betrayal, and unless you have a vision of how your relationship goes forward that isn't just more of the same, it may not be enough for her. This is pretty fundamental as a difference and may mean you each move on. But dude. You need to get psychological assistance for the childhood stuff. Clearly it's doing more than just making you scared of having kids. my experience is mostly that men who don't want children are either narcissists who won't share with a child, of they feel like they had no childhood , are looking for the wife to fulfil that role, and they react badly to having a new child in the home like some children do to having mom come home from the hsopital with a newborn. Maybe to you it means losing your wife's attention? Maybe it means never getting the nurture you missed? Maybe it means responsibility that scares you?

Answer 5

The best advice I can give you is to talk to your wife. Everyone usually has the fear of not being a good parent but usually it turns out that the people who dont have a good childhood, go on to become good parents. Somehow they learn what NOT to do from their parents and discover along the way what IS GOOD for their child. I suggest you sit down with your wife and you guys have a full conversation about each others fears of parenthood. Explain to her some of the reasons you feel the way you do. This way would be alot gentler than when it comes time that she is "determined" to have a child. I hope I have helped.

Answer 6

Did you guys just jump into marriage and not talk about ANYTHING?? My goodness what a huge thing not to talk about. Believe you could be an effective father, your childhood couldn't be any worse than my husband and I don't mean that in a judgemental or mean way I just mean I've never heard anything like he's gone through...I think before you just decide you never want kids you should maybe get some therapy and be really honest with your wife about the reasons and have her help you with your journey...geez...no wonder everyone gets divorced!

Answer 7

Hugs for you. People are so harsh sometimes. Not just any person can understand waht you have been through in your past, and why you would be reluctant to share with your wife. You do need to trust her though, she loves you as you do her and you can work this out together. Be prepared for her initial upset, but do not close yourself off completely. Realize that what happened in your childhood and not wanting to repeat those mistakes is what would actually probably make you a great and caring Dad. We all have histories, including your wife. Share with her, explain your childhood to her, ask her to help you. You can heal from it, and fatherhood is one of the greatest things you can do with your life, when you are ready. Take care.

Answer 8

It sounds like you're not ready to give up the prospect of children yourself. I think you have some issues that you just can't get past. Maybe you should try counseling? Definitely don't let your own childhood haunt you to the point of giving up having your own family!! It could be one of the greatest accomplishments and most rewarding thing you ever do!!! If your wife wants kids, then it's not fair for you to expect her to give that up. Sounds like you two are heading down seperate roads. Do give the counseling thing some thought. I think you might be convinced that being a dad is awesome! Good luck

Answer 9

You should have told her before you married her. It's not fair of you to keep this from her knowing full well she came from a large family and would want children while you were dating. Not wanting children is a big deal, especially to someone who loves kids! Well, it's too late and you're married. Only thing left to do is be honest and try to work it out with her. Same thing goes for everything else, doesn't it? Honesty is the key. Don't keep it from her anymore!

Answer 10

Why wasn't this discussed BEFORE you got married? Did she go to the altar thinking she would be having children with you someday? If so then you lead her on and married her under false pretenses. How could you NOT discuss the children issue before you marry some one...no wonder the divorce rate is so high talk about your communications gap.

Answer 11

first off, i feel that i have to say this....
shame on you for not telling her this before you got married!
espcially, since you know she wants children.
a friend of mine would like to have kids, but he knows his wife doesn't want kids. he knew that going into their marriage, so he is o.k. with it.

o.k. now, for the situation you are in....
you need to tell her for a few reasons:
--she needs to know where you stand on this issue. since you weren't honest with her before you took those vows, the least you can do is be honest with her now.
--the sooner you tell her and you work through the situation, the better you will feel about your marriage. you are already having problems b/c of your secret...don't let it completely take down your relationship. she may be upset, but if you guys are solid together, then you can work through anything. secrets are no good in a marriage.
--the sooner she knows what's going on the sooner she can help you with your fears. be honest with her about your concerns and you can work through them....that's why marriage is being a team, not just an individual.

so...tell your wife and i hope things will start to get better for you.
she may surprise you by saying that kids aren't necessary for her to be happy....but you won't know until you are honest about your own feelings.

take care.