Fairness Question?

Question

I have a 14 year old daughter who is very smart, does good in school, very responsible and very caring. Problem:
About 3 years ago she got into a fight with a friend of hers. The mother called the police on her, and lied to me to say she didnt. When i was on the phone with the mom, the girl jumped on and called me the B word. the girls broke off their friendship for about a year 1/2. one day my daughter came back and said she was friends again. I was really upset. long story short- that child cannot call my house, cant come over, my daughter cant go there, etc. I dont want to have that child around or her mom. This girls' bday party is on mon. and my daughter wants to go. I told her she can go to the party but NOT to the sleepover. She is upset. She said i told her she can stay the night. Am I wrong for saying she can go to the party but not the sleepover? I think I am being fair since I dont want her around this child in the first place. I can forgive this girl, but not forget.

The fight actually lasted all of 5 minutes, at school, both girls were suspended. I thought it wasnt serious, as no weapons were used, no one was injured etc. I punished my daughter then (i dont condone fighting) and was done with it- the mom called the police on my daughter because she was angry- but she does that ALL the time when she has problems, she calls the police. Shes mentally troubled.

Answer 1

I see where you are coming from and feel that you are justified in what you do. However, you must consider how your daughter feels. Children forgive and forget a lot quicker then adults.

When it comes to friends kids let grudges slide a lot easier. You shouldn't ban her from hanging around this girl or limit her contact because if she wants to be her friend that's only fair.

Talk to your daughter and tell her to keep an open mind, as well as keep in mind what happened in the past and that it could occur again.

Perhaps you can give the girl's mother a ring and be kind and casual. Tell her you noticed the girls are friends again and that if there are any problems at all to give you a call.

Keep that line of communication open. Denying your child a friendship she wants hurts her social life and will make her more apt to associate with this girl behind your back in order to maintain the friendship.

Answer 2

Honestly I would try to base my decision on whether or not I thought the family was safe rather than basing my feelings on what had been said or done in a moment of high anxiety. It was a while ago that the child called you a name and perhaps this would be a good time to see if things have improved. Perhaps the girl is sorry for calling you the name and would be willing to apologize and set some of your concerns aside. Calling the police might have been an over-reaction but I might not mind having my daughter stay at a place where people called the police when trouble hit. Of course this is all giving them a big benefit of a doubt that you may already know isn’t warranted.

If I did think there was any possibility that the family was decent I would call the family again and just talk to the mother and the girl and see how they treated me. If they were nice and respectful then I’d probably allow my daughter to go. The call would be simple enough. I’d call and just say that I was considering letting my daughter spend the night but that the last time we had spoken it was under difficult circumstances so I was calling now to find out about the event and see if there was anything that we needed to discuss or clear, because I only want my daughter to over-night with people I have good rapport with. I’d say that as a responsible parent I just want to make sure our communication lines are open before I agree to let my child spend the night, blah, blah.

If they seem nice and polite and reassure me to the point that I have a good feeling about it then I would let her go. If they were abrupt or rude or gave me a reason not to feel good about them, then I would simply tell my daughter that I had to use my own best judgment and I just didn’t feel good about it. I’d reassure her that it was out of love for her that I was so careful and I’d tell her that I was into this “mothering thing” for the long-haul and not just trying to win points with her on the short end. I’d tell her that if she is angry with me then I’m just hoping that one day when she is grown she will understand.

Answer 3

Emotions run high when you are 11 years old. It is not the same as being an adult. You need to let this one go. Your daughter and her friend are being more adult in this situation than you are. They have forgotten and forgiven whatever was the cause of the argument to begin with. Also, if the mother called the police in the first place, there must have been some reason for it. You had no right to question her reasoning for doing it. Or maybe both of you adults were wrong to get involved. It depends on if the girls got hurt or property was damaged. Time to let it go, Mom. You got involved in it past the point that you should have to begin with. Let the girls sort it out on their own, and as long as the other girl is not a drug addict or anything let them spend their time together.

Answer 4

If I were you I wouldn't let my daughter go to the sleepover OR the party!!! Like I tell my children (I also have a 14 year old) once you fall out with a friend (on that level) the friendship is over. The saying goes "Keep your friends close but your enemies closer" so their being associates I could accept but do you really trust that this girl's mother is going to watch out for your child at a party? So many things go on at party's nowadays...I would not let my daughter go PERIOD!!!

If you do let her go remind her
1) call when she arrives
2) call at the first sign of trouble (no supervision, alcohol, drugs, sex)
3) if you put your food or drink down/leave it she is FINISHED with it
4) check in...or if she has a cell phone she better answer when you call or you will be there to pick her up IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!

Answer 5

I think you're being EXTREMELY fair. This "friend" of your child showed you completely disrespect. It doesn't matter what type of fight she was having with your daughter, there is NO reason for her to disrespect you, as an adult, by doing and saying when she did and said.

I would be a little upset if my daughter suddenly became friends with her again, but that's just the way kids are. They probably forgot what they were fighting over to begin with. You have every right to be wary of the girl, but let their friendship be for now.

As for the party, I think you're being completely fair, considering you could have told her she couldn't go at all. You could have told her she can only hang out with her friend in a school setting only, and anything outside of school that goes beyond a phone call is not allowed. The fact that your daughter can attend this party is more than fair. If she can't accept the fact that you won't allow her to sleep over, she doesn't have to go.

I could be wrong, I'm not a parent myself, but it's just what I would do in your situation.

Answer 6

It's time for you to realize that you are punishing your daughter for something the other girl and her mother did a long time ago. If you weren't involved and your daughter was going through this situation you would tell your daughter to be polite, give everyone in life another chance, and be honest. It's time to take your own advice and move on with your selfish behavior Let her go and spend the night. When you begin to allow the girl to come over to your home again, be polite, be honest and give everyone in life another chance. You will be your daughter's hero. Good Luck

Answer 7

was this girl ever punished by her parents for calling you the b word? If not, then I'm surprised you let your daughter go out/near this girl at all. Your daughter may be smart but she's still young and will pick up on her friend calling you a b****. Friends influence friends.. expecially when they're young. Stand your ground. My mother was very strict with me growing up. I always thought she was just being unfair and unreasonable. Now that I've been out on my own and have a step child, I understand. I even love her for being that overbearing, overprotective, unreasonable mom....

Answer 8

Sounds like you are "wrong" for making a rule and then changing your mind. You obviously have a reason not to trust the other mom or her daughter. BUT at the same time, this sort of thing happens when girls are turning into teenagers. Try your best to let your daughter fight her own battles and you focus on your parental skills. Compromise is okay too. Tough choice for you.

Answer 9

You are being more than fair for letting her go to the party. It's obvious why you don't want her to sleep over as you can not trust the mom or the daughter anymore. Not only was she rude and disrespectful she put your daughter in a bad position. Just hang in there and try to let your daughter know where you are coming from.

Answer 10

When you try to step between your kids and their friends, it'll only intensify the relationship for them. She may end up doing stuff behind your back & then you'd really be mad.

Your best bet is to back off. Allow your daughter to go to the party and the sleep over. Forgive the other girl for whatever. She's a kid just like your daughter and learning her life lessons. But stay aware of how the relationship between the two girls and the mother is progressing & be ready to step in to halt whatever you find that isn't in step with your family's values.'