My boyfriend thinks I cheated, but I didn't. All the evidence says I did. How do you prove a negative?

Question

About 3 weeks ago, I called my boyfriend of 1.5 years, *A*, to see if we could do lunch. He said he had a meeting. I thought it odd, because usually he tells me if he has meetings. No big deal -- I called a friend of mine, *T*. He is an acquaintance/friend of mine I met through work. He & a girl he worked with & I had lunch a few times, & T & I have had lunch a few times over the past 2 years. I recently learned the girl changed jobs, & T was looking to do the same. I wanted to talk with him about that.

We ate lunch at a busy burger joint & sat at a community table. I thought I heard someone say my name at one point, but saw no one & assumed I was hearing things. We chatted about work & T’s wife & kids & A & his kids. We talked about how I struggle with the fact that A's kids don't like me, & the pressure that puts on everything. We also talked about how upset I was that I was uninvited from A’s family trip. Nothing in-depth – just my general feelings.

The catch is that I had asked A not to discuss our problems with his family & close friends -- a lot of people like that tend to dislike the partner as a result of the venting, & they whisper in your ear & prod you in negative ways. I've been through that -- on both sides -- & was trying to avoid that. I told T because I knew he had no reason to take my side. In fact, he basically told me to get over it because I was being stupid.

After lunch: I got an e-mail from A that asked "who did you have lunch with?" In all the times we have not had lunch, he has NEVER asked me that. Usually, I don't eat lunch if I don't go with him. I thought it odd, thought maybe there was something to my thought that someone said my name, so I didn't respond, hoping to get more information.

At dinner with A that night, he asked me point-blank with whom I had lunch. I told him, then asked why. He said he just wondered, & got upset a little that I had evaded the question at first.

Fast forward two weeks: A is on his trip. We have a nice conversation over the phone, then he says, "I need to know exactly what is your relationship with T, & what have you been telling him about us". This puts me on the defensive (what’s this all about???), but I do tell him that T is a friend, we talked casually about the kids & the trip. There's nothing going on. Then A tells me he got an e-mail from a former partner, who apparently used to work at T's company (before T was there). The gist of the e-mail was "What is the relationship between T & K (me)? Why does he know so much about you & why does he want to know more?. Consider this an extension of the fiduciary duty we had as partners." Now, I have not seen the e-mail, & it seems very odd, but I have never known A to lie. Again here, I can't blame him for being extremely suspicious: I have lunch with some guy he doesn't recall ever hearing about (I have mentioned him casually), apparently evade questions about it,

& then he gets an e-mail from some disinterested third party questioning the appropriateness of the relationship? I'd be going nuts!

A can't let it go. It eats at him for a week, & he keeps fighting me about it. Upset that I would have these "intimate" conversations -- which he is not allowed to have -- with a "close" (not) friend who he's never (not true) heard of. He asks me to set up lunch with the 3 of us, or with him, me, T & T’s wife. I feel weird about that -- don't know why -- so I don't agree to it. He takes this as more evading.

A few days go by. A is at my house, looking at a book that was in a drawer. He is looking in the drawer & sees a note card. The note card has a list of names on it. Guy's names. A asks what it is. I don't know. I really can't recall. I said I thought it was from when my last serious boyfriend left me -- I wrote down a lot of my feelings to get them out. The list was of the guys I had dated since college.

As far as I could recall, I was going through people & thinking about why things didn't work out. A said that couldn't be the case -- A's name was on the list, so it couldn't have been right after the last boyfriend. Oh -- PK, then I really don't know what it is from. He freaks -- T's name was also on the list. Not the same T, I said. I go get the list -- the A is a different A, too. A is high pissed -- accuses me of lying, why am I keeping a list of men's names? Why did I sleep with T? On & on.

You can't have a relationship without trust, but as I said -- I can't blame him. It does all seem to add up. But seriously, there is NOTHING going on. Not even the slightest interest on my end. But there's nothing I can say or do -- how do you prove a negative?

If things don't work out, that's one thing. But I don't want to lose him over something that never happened.

Answer 1

yeah, your question is too long

But of what I read, it sounds like you do NOT have a healthy relationship. I think you can do better and find someone who allows you to have friends - male and female - that you can talk to. Someone that includes you in his family, and someone who does NOT accuse you of cheating when you have not. Get out, this relationship is going NOWHERE

Answer 2

He obviously doesn't trust you, but why? Well, probably because things have been stressful, and he thinks that maybe you're tired of him and his kids and just want to get away from it all. He's probably feeling a little guilty himself because of what you are going through. It's time you had a talk about your situation, and the situation between you and "T" (ONLY FRIENDS, but will stop seeing if it bothers A) You may have to make some sacrifices, like your friendship with T, to cool things down, and ensure that the more important relationship you and A share isn't shaken too badly to fix. There is no reason you and him should fall apart, and make sure to tell him that he is the #1 guy in your life, and that you never want to leave him because of any reason. The more you show him you care, the more secure he should be with you and your other friends, girls AND guys. Right now, he may just need a little assurance, and getting frustrated won't help.
I know you guys will be OK if you work these things out, Good Luck!

Answer 3

Ok, you two need to have a serious talk if this relationship is going to every survive. You both need to realize each of you will always have friends, some of the opposite sex, that the other may never know or meet. You both also need to realize that each of you has a need to discuss stuff with others occasionally in order to help you gain perspective on things. This means you two need to decide what those conversations is limited to. I would say that sex should never be a topic with someone of the opposite sex, and anything else that you wouldn't say if your partner were listening. Then you both need to accept these terms and the fact that you have to trust each other. My big concern here is that he told you he had a meeting and yet he some how knew who you had lunch with, this says he was there so who was he having lunch with? The other is who is the mysterious third party that emailed him and why are they taking such an interest in his life and are they of the opposite sex? I have to wonder if his being upset with you is a reflection of his own guilt in regards to something he has done.

Answer 4

Is the issue that you stepped outside the relationship to discuss your problems or that you were talking to some unfamiliar guy.

If its the former, then okay I could see him being upset at people knowing his business. But, whats the difference from you telling it to a girlfriend than a male friend. There are no disinterested parties, because if they were they wouldnt have sent your boyfriend an email.

If its the latter, then you have a control freak for a man. How does he know that this guy wasnt your friend before he was thought. The simple fact that he is insisting on meeting this guy leads me to believe that he 1. has control issues, and 2. he has trust issues.

My advice to you...leave before you turn into the movie of the week on Lifetime.

But, if you want to stay because you love him, then let him meet this guy. Have him bring his family and parade them about for your man to feel secure within himself.

But seriously, chica, what man doesn't believe that you can eat with other people besides him?

Answer 5

My first question to you would be why didn't you agree to go out with T and his wife, A and you? By you disagreeing, it does seem suspicious. Maybe if the 4 of you got together, it would ease A's mind and he'd realize that you are telling the truth and nothing is going on. You saying that getting together makes you uncomfortable, makes me think that there is something more going on that either you don't fully realize or you don't want to admit.

Also, if you don't want A to talk about problems with other people, then you should adhere to the same guidelines. It would help avoid these type of situations, you never know how people are connected.

Hope it all works out, you might want to think about why you evaded his questions and why meeting all togehter makes you unconfortable.

Good luck!

Answer 6

Ok, This is a tricky situation. Coming from my perspective as a guy your completely right all the signs do point to you as cheating but your not. So the only things I can suggest you doing is 1) Telling *A* the complete and utter truth about the whole situation. Tell him what the conversations were about and what *T* means to you as a friend. 2) I can suggest that you allow *A* to meet *T* in person along with yourself and just let them talk. If you allow *A* to meet *T* then it takes a lot of confusion out of the situation and also shows that your not cheating. Because from my experience most cheaters won't let there significant other meet the person they are cheating with. Hopefully one of these scenario's will work out for you. But continue to be completely honest with *A* and never faulter because this shows that you really loves this man. Good Luck.

Answer 7

Thank God i don't know you, so i can avoid talking to you. You talk a lot. Sorry, just kidding. Whatever I read, i think you have to do some answering to your boyfriend, but just think if he is really worthy for all your answers. If he is really worthy, then you need to decide how long can i tolerate his cross questioning. Once you decide this, you make sure you stick to that line. If he tries to breach it, warning might be a good idea, but even if that doesn't work, leave him. You don't want to spend your whole life standing in the accused box listening all his accusations and defending them. You have the right to choose your friends and trust is important ingredient in any relationship.

Answer 8

well i dont get all the details, but if he really likes you, then you and him can talk about it nicely without all the accussing. At least he should give you a chance to do so. Obviously, it looks like he's pulling out all evidence possible i guess even archived stuff. Well, if he doesnt give you a single chance to at least explain the situation in your eyes, then you can try for a while but it probably wont work out between you two. And Tim thats not the problem. I bet she has committment and she can have friends who are male but *A* isnt trying to listen.

Answer 9

if nothing is going on between u two, why can't the three of u go out, or the four of you. But i gotta ask you think about it, how would u feel, if he is going out to lunch with another girl? Even though your not physically cheating, your having a relationship with another guy, and you guys are talking about pretty serious stuff that u should be sharing with your BF.

Answer 10

i suggest you go ahead with the dinner with the 3 or 4 of you, regardless of how uncomfortable it makes you, if you really want to save this relationship. Let T explain to A exactly what is going on, and that nothing exists between the two of you. otherwise, he's just going to interpret it as more evasion and he'll lose even more trust in you. plain and simple. i hope it works out. good luck!

Answer 11

You seem to be a nice person, he seems the jealous sort. You presented him with an opportunity to have lunch with you but he declined. Rather than making it up to you he's making you feel guilty about it...that doesn't work. I'm sorry to say but this guy will create problems for you in the future as well, to be honest with you, you don't need him. Sorry to give my opinion, I didnt say what you probably wanted to hear about him that he's a good guy because, apparently, he's not.