Childhood regression?

Question

I have a mother who has never lived on her own. Doesn't pay her bills, has always lived with her 90 yr old mother, who pays the rent off her social security. I think the problem is that she has never had to grow up and be responsible but now I fear that the responsibility for her will fall on me. I can't let my mother live on the streets but I do not want her to live with me and my family. I think she's a poor example for my kids and I know that she will drive us crazy. She's almost 60 yrs old and has the maturity of a teenager. What do I do. How do I handle the situation when she asks for me to take care of her. When I was 19 I joined the air force mostly just to get away from the horrible situation but seems like I won't be able to run far enough away. How do I tell myself that she is not my responsibility and let go without breaking her heart.

Answer 1

Wow, my mother and yours are quite similar in the sponging aspect anyways. What you should do is tell her honestly now that you won't be able to support her. Don't wait until your grandmother dies.
Tell her it's not because you don't love her but because you want her to have independance over her life. What you can do is help her find a job/or social security and an apartment nearby to you, so she doesn't feel like you are abandoning her. Don't pay for her things either. She is too old to be babied like that. You should insists on her working or saving her money.
If you completely abandon her, im afraid you might regret it after she dies and you will always feel guilty for the rest of your life..., not that you should feel guilty, but that is the reality.

Answer 2

that's a tough one. I'm glad I'm not in your situation, although someday I could be. The fact that she has never lived on her own is why she doesn't know any independence. So she is 60 years old, I guess what would make a difference is if she had problems with her health or anything that would make it hard physically or mentally to take care of herself. Perhaps you could just be supportive and encourage her to get her own apartment. Maybe somewhere near you so she knows you are close by if she needs you. I think it's probably important for her to just try. Maybe encourage her to just do it as a trial and see how it goes. If she can't handle it, then let her know you're there for her. She is your mother, and if you don't help her in this way, you may end up regretting it. You are the example to your children, not so much your mother. Laying your life down for your friends is what Christ did. That's the example that your kids should see. But...at the same time, your mother should at least try. That would be better for her and for you.

Answer 3

It is your mother's responsibility to take care of herself. Shame on your GM for enabling your mom to be a leech all these years.

If it looks like your GM is getting sick, or may die soon (and heck, she's 90, it could be any day now), you may casually ask your mom what her plans are for when she can't live w/ her mother. Has she put a resume out? Applied for jobs? Priced apartments near a bus route?

For the health of your marriage, you CANNOT let your mother come glom off of you. The whole family will resent it, esp. you. You've managed to pull yourself up out of the mire. You did great for yourself by joining the AF. Letting yoru mom ride your coattails is not going to help her at all, and will make the rest of you miserable.

And be ready, b/c I'm sure she'll threatedn having to live on the streets, sell her body, sell drugs, or live in her car or whatever. ANYTHING to crack you and make you say yes to supporting her. I'd think a night or two of that will jolt her into the stark reality of life, adn being lazy is not going to get her a roof over her head.

Stay strong, and best wishes to you.

Answer 4

Hello! There are government programs in some Senior apartment living places that go off their income in order to determine rent. My mother is an apartment manager at a place like this, and I have seen them pay as little as $75 a month!

Call local apartment complexes, I am sure they can help you. Or have her look for a roommate situation.

Good luck, Hon.

I have had to kick my Mom out before, it was something I never thought I would have to do. But she was doing like what you describe...but in a different way. Now, she is successful and doing great. And she was upset at first, but she knows why I did it. (To help her get out of her depression.)

Answer 5

First of all stop running away. Face your mother and tell her that while you love her you believe that it is time for her to be on her own (assuming she is physically ok to live on her own) and that you will help her find a place to live and/or move her but that she must take responsibility for paying her bills, getting a phone, electricity hooked up, water, trash removal, groceries etc. Be available if she has questions but firmly let her know that she is way past the age of doing things for herself and you want to ensure that she is able to take care of herself if something should happen to you or your grandmother. I wish you much success.

Answer 6

This I'm sure is not what you want to hear but it is your responbility to take care of her even tho you may feel she is irresponsibile and so on... she is still your mother whenever you do something great and self-sacrificing for someone else the pay off is usally far greater than the sacrifice. Or you could nicely present the idea of setting her up with a really nice retirement home l I hope this helps you ... Good Luck

Answer 7

There are retirement communities (not convalescent homes) that allow for private living but with all the care that a senior citizen may need. They provide security while at the same time letting the residents maintain their dignity. It may be a good choice for your mother to move into a place like that if you don't want her to live in your house.

Answer 8

Tell her straight up or she won't get the point. Or just deal with it cause she is family. She is your mother. Some things you have to do because you have a obligation to family. But you can tell her that it is temporary till you both look for a place she can afford with her social security. If she is old enough you can put her in a "HOME" (lol) for older folks.

Answer 9

Your are in a very difficult situation. If you have a family now then they are your first responsibility. Do what you have to do to protect your own family and try not to feel responsible for your mother's actions.

Answer 10

i have just answered ur question ,but i will tell u again..ur mother is suffering from a condition called:incapacity to face up to reality and responsibility in life,and she maybe too scared,and haven't really grow up,as she leans on her mom to do it for her until now,and,i regret to say it but,,if she does it to her mom.,chances are,as karma is,,what goes around comes around.the same thing may happen to her,but u have not also told about her younger years,what she did,,if got married etc,well if u got a husband who are the sole bread winner.,it' will then be easier to blame ur mom, who maybe not have had one,but i pity ur granny,ur mother,was suppose to help her out,and not place toomuch burden on her own mother,so,,in here the only victim is the grandmother,not u or ur granny,and regard to take her in.well if it were me,i would even MOVE IN TO THEIR PLACE,TO MIND BOTH OF THEM WITH LOVE AND CARE!would be glad to do just that.,after all,they are my maternal relatives,and love.,conquers it all,that is..IF U LOVE THEM CONDITIONALLY i have 2 daughters who are no that very nice,even does am a very wonderful daughter,so it won;t be for my ugly ungrateful daughters,mixed with Asian,that i will regret my mother,and be unkind to her,so the moral of the story here is,,IT DOES NOT MATTER WHAT THE PERSON IS BEEIN,IF THEY RE BEING BAD MOTHER OR DAUGHTER,BUT ON WHEATHER,U ARE BEING A GOOD DAUGHTER TO UR MOM,.!THINK ABOUT IT!