I married after losing my house in Katrina - I have known my husband for over 20 years. I have 3 children from a previous marriage and have been divorced for over 6 years. Their father has made no attempt to contact us in 5 years. My husband always acted like their "friend" in the past and that was acceptable because we werent married. Now he is their "dad" and the oldest calls him Sam (she is 16) the middle calls him daddy and they have a great relationship (she is 11) and the youngest calls him Mr. Sam (he is 8) but they are close - he has always known him as Mr Sam and doesnt really like change much. We had a baby 3 weeks ago. My husband seems to be pulling away from my children and has had way less patience with them, It is harder on my 11 yr old who wants more than anything in this world to have a daddy. This is taking a toll on me and I am feeling torn and sick over it, I love him, but these are my kids and they already lost one dad - he doesnt see what he is doing. HELP!
2006-08-21 04:22:07 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
I have pointed out a couple of instances where he reacted in a way that isnt normal for him - and he just said wow I didnt realize I was acting that way. He has never - nor would he ever be physically or verbally abusive towards me or the kids. I just wanted to point that out. When I say his patience is wearing thin - it's actually just that his reactions to certain situations are different than they were before the baby was born, but in no way abusive whats so ever. I have always put my children first, and continue to do so. They were very much in favor of the marriage and it was discussed by all of us beforhand. The pregnancy came AFTER the marriage - FYI.
2006-08-21 05:05:09 · update #1
He's never had a baby in the house, it's probably an adjustment for him. He is father to your three children, but is still a first time dad. Quite a conundrum. Talk to him about it, ask him if he realizes what he is doing.
2006-08-21 04:31:54 · answer #1 · answered by t79a 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow, that is a tough situation. I'm not a psychologist our counselor or anything, but I did grow up with a stepmother. I was about the age of your middle child when my father remarried after my mother's death.
Keep in mind that having a newborn baby in the household is a huge source of stress for everybody. I'm sure your husband is exhausted from it, and that may explain why he seems less patient with the older children.
There's also an awkwardness between stepchildren and stepfather that just comes with the territory. I love my stepmom dearly, but when she entered our lives she started out more like a friend than a mom. I wanted and needed a mom badly, yet when she would discipline me in any way, I felt resentful and angry. We both had to do a lot of adjusting.
To some extent, these things just work themselves out over time. However, you should probably be proactive and make sure the situation doesn't get worse. First, I would suggest talking to the kids about it. Remind them how difficult and stressful it is to have a new baby around. Talk to them about how people's behavior can change when they are under a lot of stress. Give the kids a chance to talk about their feelings. That's very important. Also, make sure to get them involved in taking care of the baby. Make sure they know it's their baby too!
Also, definitely discuss matters with your husband. He may be defensive about it, so don't attack him. Just sit down with him and say, "I noticed that you said/did such and such." Be specific about the things you've seen him do. Then you can say, "Did you notice how ____ reacted to that?" Maybe he hasn't seen the way his behavior is affecting the older kids. Try not to be accusatory, but instead to talk about solutions.
In reality, your husband probably loves your kids as his own. He's just feeling the strain of having four children in one household. This is all new to him! Continue to be patient, but don't bottle things up inside.
Good luck!
2006-08-21 11:39:00 · answer #2 · answered by dark_phoenix 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He could still be adjusting. You say he does not realize what he is doing. Have you talked to him about it. Maybe if you let him know he will be more aware of how it is affecting the kids. Don't call them your kids though, if you want him to be a father to them. Just let him know that (our older) kids are feeling a little left out since the baby arrived.
2006-08-21 11:36:40 · answer #3 · answered by tbhere 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
it looks like that u get urself into more mess then u had b4,well try to talk things over with this man,on how u and the kids feel.,about his currently mind-set,try to explain things to him.and to the kids,or perhaps,U urself should be the one to educate ur kids,not to bother abt his new attitude towards them,,in the other hands.,this man is lucky that ur kids came to accept them.,if were mine or any others,.would have beein by now chastising me for being "loose" or cheeky.and in no ways would they have accepted other "daddy",so this chap could count himself lucky,i think that u and ur children should give him more space and time to change,maybe hes just being infatuated by his own child,hope it will change,if not.well.,prioritise ur children first,men comes in 2nd place,and be there,to protect ur children in event,of abuse,if it ever happen,now that this man has got his very own kid,,well wish u lucky to sort it all out,maybe the issue in here maybe not even ur kids.,but something else,like finances
that is bothering him out,,talk things over,good luck!
2006-08-21 11:36:46 · answer #4 · answered by brasil_mulher 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe he is short-tempered in general because of the stress of the new baby. Give it some time - new babies are hard to adjust to.
2006-08-21 11:30:13 · answer #5 · answered by Okkieneko 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
all you can do is talk to him about it...the new one is HIS kid, he's going to favor it but maybe he doesnt realize its showing to the others
2006-08-21 11:31:29 · answer #6 · answered by scarlet_bat 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is why when you are divorced it is better to focus on your children then your own lovelife.
2006-08-21 11:29:15 · answer #7 · answered by qamberq 3 · 0⤊ 2⤋