I have been separated from my husband for two years and this has been my first dating opportunity since then. It is not a relationship yet, but the guy I am seeing is crazy about having children. He talks about it all th time. I dont want to have children now that is for sure, as he we dont have anything solid going on, and I dont know if I will ever want children with him, as he is 36 now (I am 32), he only studies, does not have a job, nor a house, nor a car or anything of his own. Plus having children is not a dream of mine on itself. Anyway, I feel sad when I think about stopping seeing him cause of his immediate wish for kids.. After all he is the only guy I date in 2 years and I think he is sweet, romantic, thoughtfull and handsome. Should I stop seeing him anyway cause I dont want to give him the immediate child he wants?
2006-08-21 01:42:50 · 24 answers · asked by Graça 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
I see your concerns. I strongly suggest you disregard the children issue in this first phase. Why? cause you are at an early stage where you should decide if this guy is for you or not.
I some how feel you are dating this guy because he is your only option and not because you see him as the man of your dreams or the love of your life. You should not date him simply because there is no one else out there. It is not fair to him nor you.
First thing to consider is your feelings, are you both in love or at least like each other or not and be honest about it. Why is he studying at the age of 36? does that mean he will soon be able to finish his studies and focus on a decent job or not?
If you take all these factors into considetation and think I know this is the guy for me, then I strongly suggest you move to phase 2, talk to him and tell him you are simply not ready to have kids now. Be honest and tell him its your choice and justify your decision so that he can be convinced.
Kids are a serious issue and to bring a child into this world, you have to be ready phsycologically, emtionally and financially. Make sure he understands that or position it as a selfish feeling that will ultimately make both of you unhappy and will turn the child's life into a nightmare.
Good Luck
2006-08-21 01:56:19 · answer #1 · answered by fozio 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
talk with him, communication is the foundation of relationships. See if he really wants kids right now or if it is a future thing, tell him he is freaking you out as having children is a HUGE commitment. Don't break up with him ....he may be just saying what he thinks women want, children. If he is willing...and you to test your commitment and potential parenting skills by getting a pet. Also don't forget if he really wants kids and you decide you don't yet then he should be willing to compromise and give your relationship time on your own before jumping in the deep end and having the kids before you have time alone together. Give him the choice...tell him how you feel.
2006-08-21 08:56:43 · answer #2 · answered by fireopal 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Even if you both wanted children, he is definitely not in the position to have any. And he also sounds a little desperate for kids...are you sure he's genuine? He may be telling you what he thinks you want to hear?? For now I would say just move on before it does get serious...yeah you may feel guilty but now is the time for you to think of yourself. I've been with my partner for over three years now and he always wanted children but I made it very clear from the beginning that children were not on my list of things to do. I was honest with him and it was really his decision to stay with me or not but we're still together now. I also have to add that I am only 20 and things may change but I've found the person I'm gonna be with forever.
2006-08-21 09:54:25 · answer #3 · answered by Munchy Mooneo 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, if you are only "separated" from your husband, you should get a DIVORCE before you become entangled with anyone else. Secondly, you must please yourself or you will please NO ONE. If you honestly do not want children in your life or it may be that you are unable to have children as some females may be, you must BE HONEST with the men in your life and with yourself. If the man you are seeing now has nothing ( house, car, or job), then he does not appear to be ready to start or to support a family.
All males who want to father a child by a female will be handsome and romantic in order to attract the female. However if he is really sweet and thoughtful, he will respect your feelings not to have children. Unfortunately, this sounds like a conflict of interest in your relationship with this man. For your own good, mainly, and for his as well, you would be doing the best thing to GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP because it will obviously, lead one of you to great unhappiness. Best wishes.
2006-08-21 09:04:15 · answer #4 · answered by Jess4rsake 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The desire to have children or not is at the heart of a relationship, and partners HAVE to agree on it. As hard as it may feel right now, you have to end this relationship as soon as possible, to be fair to both of you.
Trust me, there are far more single 30-something men out there who DON'T want children than those that do - you WILL find someone whose life wishes match your own... probably when you are least expecting it.
2006-08-21 10:03:09 · answer #5 · answered by nige_but_dim 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
be open with him and tell him your feelings.
be honest - if you may consider having children once the relationship is strong then let him know - he might be willing to wait !
ultimately if both of you want different things from the relationship, then be wise, i would advise to not carry on... call it quits before it gets to the stage where you both will end up hurting each other
and dont think this is your only chance... there are a lot of men out there.
good luck
2006-08-21 08:52:28 · answer #6 · answered by GorGeous_Girl 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i am exactly like you in your convictions and understand your dilemma. if a guy and i were not on the same page regarding this issue, i feel it is a deal breaker. bringing a child into this life is a lifelong commitment. it is a labor of love, and if you do not wish to have children, that is not something you can compromise. you can't have 1/2 a kid. remember, anyone can be a mom or dad but not everyone can be a parent. there are plenty of men who feel the same or have already had families and don't want to start another one. good luck,
2006-08-21 08:49:31 · answer #7 · answered by evonne i 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
If he wants an immediate child and you don't or don't want kids at all, you have a responsibility to tell him that. He may want to break it off with you, and that is his right to do so, this way he can search for what he truly wants and you will be free to find a man who does not want children.
Telling him is the only fair and responsible thing to do.
2006-08-21 08:52:15 · answer #8 · answered by Joy 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
if you really like this guy mention that your not ready for kids and as you turn dating into a relationship your thoguhts may change, and you may want children, but not yet.
But if his obssession of having kids is really getting too much for you then maybe shouldnt be with him, but thats your choice really, i know its been a while since your separation but now that you've got one date you should be able to get more.
Love is a pateint thing and if you dont think theres anything there for you to work on then maybe he isnt the guy for you.
2006-08-21 09:03:38 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can not put yourselves in this stiuation. Sadly everyone does not always want the same things out of life. Have you at least told him that you don't want kids? If not you need to. Let him decide if or not he can still be will you. You don't want to stay together not have kids and he later resent you for that. Maybe you need to find someone else that has the same expectations out of life that you do. You will find someone else. It may take time but you will.
2006-08-21 08:49:29 · answer #10 · answered by thejenjens 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋