I am five months pregnant, and about to findout the gender of my baby this week. My x-boyfriend, who left me about a month ago, with an apartment we just got together an the baby, claims he doesnt love me no more, and never called once or anything. He even broke up with me over the phone. We did this pregnancy on purpose, it was planned...and now he turned his back. I am trying to get through it, and i have him now telling people it is not his kid, after he had told me that he would pay child support, and i could get full custody because it would "be too hard for him". I dont know how this will go over legally, but it is his child, i never even looked at another guy, let alone slept with one. So when the DNA comes back, what could happen? Can he get rights? Even after leaving me and saying these horrible things? is there anything I can do to prevent that from happening? I am so scared righ tnow I dont even know what to do or say...I never knew this would hurt this incredibly bad.
2006-08-20 16:18:56 · 16 answers · asked by *mommy to two* 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Other - Pregnancy & Parenting
Oh my goodness! Your story sounds just like mine, with one exception--I never planned for the guy to be a part of my baby's life and told him so before I conceived. We had sex exactly four times. I knew when I was ovulating. He felt compelled to wage a nasty verbal protest anyway and said and did similar ugly things as your guy, including denying the child. I was pregnant before I met him and after his money! he said. I guess that must have been any unemployment checks he was getting!
I had the identical worries you have. My child will be 22 this fall.
This is what I learned on my journey as a single mom:
Get the dna test and get child support. Yes, it will determine that he is the father and if he has to pay support he is also entittled to visitation, BUT HE WILL HAVE TO PETETION THE COURTS HIMSELF TO DO THAT. Given his attitude, I don't think this is very likely.
If he does, consider that he IS the child's father. Other than being extremely stupid and irresponsible and hurting you with his mouth, do you think he will actually be a harmful influence on your child? If so, you will be called to give testimony and evidence to those facts before a judge grants visitation. But again I don't think he will ever get around to doing it.
Consider that one day your baby will ask about his father. Mine did, so I looked him up. My baby was 7 at the time. The man was married and had another child outside the marriage. My child met "dad" on a visit to a local museum with me. He bought my child a stuffed toy and that was the extent of his support from that day to this! He called regularly for a while, but that ended when he asked me one day what I was wearing! I can't type what my response was without getting reported! He dropped out of sight after that and I moved across country anyway.
Bottom line is my child never really got over not having a dad. I have since learned that it would have been better for me to have been more selective in chosing a father in the first place. I am not throwing stones, because I placed myself in your exact position. I am not ashamed of my child, or my story, but I do have regrets for my child's sake.
My child turned out fine, but it was a hard struggle. I advise you to try to make peace with your child's father and give him an opportunity to be a part of your child's life for the child's sake. Don't let your hurt, anger and disappointment deprive your child of a father. Let that be on the jerk, but not on you. Never belittle this man to the child and don't let anyone else do it either. Remember, he is 50% of the child's genetics. If he is spoken of in an ill manner the child will think less of him/herself. I am proud that I never did this.
Remember, it is going to be difficult to raise this child alone, but you can do it. Start being a good parent now by embracing your baby and loving it even in the womb. Your emotional condition affects your developing child! Despite the craziness of my child's dad I enjoyed the pregnancy to the highest degree! My joy was full and I simply ignored the man. I actually changed my phone number so I wouldn't have to take his calls (no caller ID back then!) You planned this pregnancy hoping that your baby's dad would live up to his pledge. It would be great if he did, but again, even if he doesn't, you planned it so be happy!
You already have full custody of your child, it is inside you and in 4 months it will be in your arms! Enjoy your blessed event and raising your child. Never show that something is missing. Who knows, you may end up with a partner to help you raise this child. In any case, stop fretting now. Part of being a mom is rolling with a lot of punches married or not. Remember the grass may look greener on the other side, but it still has to be mowed. A lot of people pretend that they are better off than they are if they have a partner to raise their children, even if the man is little more than breath and britches!
Pray for strength and it will come. Sorry if my response was too long. I hope it helped you.
2006-08-20 18:37:16 · answer #1 · answered by Chris 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Whatever you do just put him down as the father of the baby on the birth certificate. In most states, he has six months after the baby is born to contest him not being the father. You dont even have to notify him that you had the baby. In the state of texas, this law was passed to protect moms from dead beat dads. He would still have to pay even if he wasnt the childs father in texas if it went past the date. The reason is, is that if your having sex, you know you could get someone pregant, and you know it takes 9mths so you have the responsibility to pay for a potential child. If you were not married you took this risk of happening. This happens to 70% of black women so matter what color you are, just realize this is normal this day in time. File for food stamps and wic and they will file charges themselve if he doesnt pay you. The money will go directly to them and any money left will go to you.He can get rights, you cant stop him unless he signs papers giving up all custody. If he signs custody away you cant get support unless you get that in writting. Call 211 which is a national united way hotline. Its free and you can get a referral for anything you need like a crib or a mental help line.
2006-08-21 01:14:05 · answer #2 · answered by circusdejojo 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Right now you need to not stress or even worry about him...my guy left after i got pregnant but that was in jan and now im 2 weeks away from my due date and ive only talked to him 8 or 9 times since i got pregnant. everything will work out in the end just keep your head up and im not letting my babys dad have rights because he doesnt act like he wants the child. but righ now u need to concentrate on the baby and doing what is best for you. the stress and worry isnt good for the baby and believe me once the child gets here or you can feel him/her move inside u for the first time ur last worry will be some inconsiderate guy
2006-08-20 23:36:33 · answer #3 · answered by *.:marie:.* 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. I am sitting here trying to put myself in your position, and I can only imagine how devastated you are. Please know that I care about what you're going through.
You are obviously really emotional right now (for good reason), but I think you are looking too far into the future. Right now the most important thing is for you to be healthy and for your baby to be healthy. Once your little one is born you can file for paternity and get child support.
If your ex-boyfriend wants visitation rights with your child, he is entitled to it by law. I know that is a horrible thought right now, as it should be. If you can't trust the guy with your heart you certainly can't trust him with your flesh and blood. However, after what this guy has already done, I doubt he will want visitation rights anyway, because then he would have to change diapers and hold and feed and maybe even love his baby. This guy's a creep, so I wouldn't waste any time worrying about visitation. Definitely get child support though! He can't back out of supporting his baby. That's the law.
Time will heal you, and you will go on to make a wonderful for life for you and your child, and you have to understand that one day your child will want to know who his/her father is. Children are born with a longing and a need for both of their parents, and your little one will be no different. For that reason, if your child wants to see its father, you need to allow it.
Now, since I don't believe your ex is going to want any visitation anyway, and certainly won't have any kind of custody rights, you can let your child see the guy when you feel safe and when you feel your child is ready. If that's age 10, age 18 or age 3, that is something you will decide. That is way too far in the future for you to worry about anyway.
Another option, which is something you will have to decide, is if you don't file for paternity and child support and raise the baby totally on your own, the chances are good you won't see this guy for a long, long time, and you won't have him in your life at all, and you won't have to talk about him until your child starts asking questions. This is a decision only you can make.
Please, please don't let this jerk take away the joy of having a baby and the excitement and satisfaction that comes from raising a child. You were dealt a horribly unfair hand that you didn't deserve, and you owe it to yourself and your child to make a good life for yourself. And you will, I promise. It's very hard to think like that right now because you're still grieving.
I'm really sorry, and I care. Please, please be very good to yourself and know that this will pass and you will move on and have a great life.
2006-08-20 23:42:52 · answer #4 · answered by No Shortage 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He won't get full custody of the baby so relax. You are truly the custodial parent and the way the system is, you have more of an advantage than he does. Either way it goes, you can still get child support if the baby is his. He only have rights if he signed the birth certificate. If he dont want to be in the child's life, let him go. You still have a life and worrying about him should not be part of it. Your baby is a gift from God....be thankful and take care of him/her the best way you can.
2006-08-20 23:29:50 · answer #5 · answered by carmel4eva 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
All you can do is stay strong for yourself! Don't take him back whatever you do. All you can do is ride it out and wait and see what he will do once you have the baby. My answer would be to start the legal stuff as soon as the baby is born, seek full custody of your child and also claim child support, after all you didn't make this baby yourself. Stay strong you will have a baby to look after soon. Try and talk to your family and friends and let them know who you feel. Don't worry about the rumours he is spreading, when the truth comes out he will be the one looking bad not you!! Keep your head held high!! Good luck
2006-08-20 23:28:05 · answer #6 · answered by udgula26 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all speaking from experience guys like that normally dont want 2 be in the babies life.My 5 year olds daddy left when i was 5 mths preg. also and denied the baby.When he was born and i went to get child support they did a paternity test.I was ordered 94$ a mth.Now i get 21.69 a mth witch doesnt even add up to 94. Anyways as far as custody if he tryed to fight u for it i am sure you would get it.If he does want to see and be a part of ths babies life i would let him.You cant make him if he doesnt.My kid sees his Dad once in a blue moon only because of his parents.And has only called twice in 5 years.I really wanted him to be there for his kid but he chose to walk away and have a child w/someone else.Now my son has a Daddy, i married a wonderful guy we have been tagether for 3 and a half years.He calls him Daddy all on his own and calls his real piece of s### Dad Jason.So Good Luck to ya hope all goes well.
2006-08-20 23:34:31 · answer #7 · answered by hotmama 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry that you have to go thru this right now. You are going to have to decide which is more important to you child support or the dad having NOTHING to do with baby. Alot of women forgoe seeking child support because they are more comfortable having the man out of their lives. Not that that guarantees them to be out of their lives. If you push with the paternity test then he may demand rights just out of spite. Why don't you just try to relax, don't get any testing for right now. If you think you have no choice but to su for child support I guess then you will have to get it. But if he is irresponsible you may not end up getting any anyways. If you don't have any contact with him from here on in and don't put the dad on the birth certificate it sounds like the whole situation will just go away for him. This might be the way to go. Again I am sorry you have to go thru this. You will get thru it and you will be a great mommy. By the way, if he calls after the sonogram and asks the sex of the baby, tell him they couldn't tell because of the position. That jerk doesn't deserve to know
2006-08-20 23:31:38 · answer #8 · answered by spartan_117 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I can tell you personally that it's not easy...I have gone through the same thing yet in another sence it was different. I was 7 months along and my Husband to be left me for a 16 year old (he's 26 and I am 21). All I can say is I know that it is hard to deal with.But things will get better for you. Just concentrate on you and the baby and the closer the due date comes around the more you will be unconcerened about what he did to you and more concerened and excited about the baby.
2006-08-21 00:39:50 · answer #9 · answered by Stephani K 1 · 1⤊ 1⤋
The best thing you can do right now is be the best mommy you can be. If you feel that the baby would be in no immediate danger, I would actually encourage the father's involvement in the baby's life. Children need a positive male role model. As far as rights, Yes, he can get rights if the baby is his. If he is the biological father, and he wants rights, and he's a good father.....he will most likely get rights. HOWEVER! Most places favor the mother as long as she is fit. Good luck... :)
2006-08-20 23:26:19 · answer #10 · answered by Mrs. Lucky 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋