What can I do to help my daughter?

Question

My daughter is going through a dangerous divorce and I don't know how to help her. Her husband is stalking her, beating on her, and threatening to take their 2 small children and leave with them. He is in jail right now for breaking and entering her home and hiding under her bed waiting on her to come home. The police are not taking this serious because he keeps getting out and doing the same thing. (He has been in jail 5 times now for choking, beating her, stealing from her, and harrassing her) What can I do to make sure that he stays in jail this time? HIs family keeps getting him out and he is not learning from this. He said that he was going to kill her and then kill himself and he is crazy enough to do just that. I'm scared for her life and she can not get protection from the police. Any suggestions before my husband kills him before he kills her? Please I need some answers quickly.

Answer 1

I'm so sorry to hear what your daughter is going through. I was in an abusive relationship so I can relate to how terrifying it is. It sounds like she needs to press charges and get a criminal lawyer right away to make sure that he doesn't make bail. This is only temporary until a trial can be held. Is there any family she can go stay with for a while? She needs to go somewhere where he won't find her, which may mean with family far away or a local shelter. Contact your local domestic violence agency. They can provide her with financial, social, and legal resources to help her get away.

Best of luck for you, your daughter and her children. Keep me posted if you can.

Answer 2

I am very sorry for what your daughter is going through. He is a coward and doesn't deserve to be breathing good air. I am a law enforcement officer and from our stand point there is not much we can really do. 1. First and foremost the police does not let people out of jail, a JUDGE does that. 2. Restraining orders are a waste of time and money. They are not a protection against guys like him. They are NOT an arrest warrent. 3. She will have to file charges against him and stick to them. There is a domestic violence law here in MS that says that the investigating officer WILL make an arrest if there is evidence of domestic violence. That way the battered wife doesn't have to file the charges. Most of the time she will drop them before court. Not saying your daughter will but I have seen it too many times.
My best advice to her is to get her a small handgun that she can handle and is comfortable for her and keep it near her as much as possible. Also get proficient enough with using it so she knows how to use it without thinking. A snub nose .38 would be perfect. Never put it on the night stand. Under a pillow or a, yes they make them, mattress holster. But put it somewhere out of site but still easily accessible. Make sure you check the laws in your state, however, on self defense. In MS if someone breaks into your home and you feel that your life is threatened then you may use deadly force. Simple rule here is: Better to tried by 12 than carried by 6.
I hope that things work out the best for her. Just understand that the police are probably doing all they can even though it may look to you that they are not. Like I said they are limited on what they can do and the court is the one that releases someone from jail. You may want to talk to the prosecuter that has jurisdiction over the case and explain the situation to that person. They can maybe arrange to have them held without bail till court.

Answer 3

Please get her to a secure women's shelter where her identity and whereabouts are protected. Do it now, today! Don't delay. Call the women's shelter and tell them she is not safe and she needs a safe haven. Do not disclose to anyone where she lives!

There is no amount of belongings, house, or material objects that is worth your life. Leave all that behind if you have to.

While she's in a safe place, get help from a good lawyer, get help from the police. Make sure there's an order of protection for the kids. Call the public school system and document with the front office that this guy is a menace to his children. Make sure the children are escorted by school professionals. Request that! Report this guy EVERY SINGLE time he causes even the smallest infraction.

And do this. Get a detective and pay for the detective to watch him, follow him, and catch him in ANY illegal activity that can be reported to the police. If he drinks and gets in a car, call the cops. If he looks like he's scoring drugs, call the police. If he violates the order of protection, call the police. Make sure you have an order of protection for the kids. Basically, this guy needs to know that if he so much as breathes within 100 miles of your daughter and her kids, the police will be called. She can participate in a rape defense class, for self confidence to take control of her life. The police are on your side; utilize them, to the point where you are calling them every day with something to bust this guy!

Eventually the police will arrest him so many times they will start "coding" him, meaning that they'll go after him! Stay strong and keep being aggressive.

Also, if your daughter is enabling him in any way, get her into counseling. The worst thing she can do is say that he's being violent, but then agree to be with him anyway because "she loves him." So many women violate their own order of protection, and she'll never escape the madness if she participates and enables any kind of chaos by doing this.

Answer 4

I think everyone here on this forum will agree you've described a life threatening situation. It would be hard for anyone here to recommend a good solution since there are so many variables to consider.

One is your daughter, the victim, and whether she can afford to live by herself (adequate job, finances, etc) and also whether she wants to. Some abused spouses (sad to say) will not leave, they know the dangers but opt to take the risks and hope he one days stops, and is resistant to life saving recommendations. She has to be a willing participant in a plan to save herself.

Restraining orders are unfortunately not tank traps, and they will not stop an abusive, arrogant, dangerous spouse from violating it and coming back into the home or wherever she's at to cause more problems. So their effectiveness is limited.

Sometimes the police don't take it serious because (1) they are activing improperly and not following the laws and rules of conduct in how to handle these matters, or (2) the have tried to assist the victim but the victim continues to decline and not follow advice. They then feel it's hopeless unless the victim changes course.

If the patrol officers are not doing their job, then go higher in the chain of command, even if you have to leap up to the city counsel level to register a complaint and plea for help. Remember though, without your daughter on board, not much will ultimately happen.

And in many communities there are often victim assistance groups for women in domestic violence situations. It can be found in the phone book or a domestic violence detective in the police department or sheriffs department should be able to provide contact information.

District Attorney's offices are also resources for finding help for the abused.

But...I keep repeating....for best results, the daughter has got to be part of your partnership.

Answer 5

Put her and the kids underground far away where the bastard can't find them, before they all end up dead, and he will do it, he's showing an escalating pattern of violence.

Most women's shelters have somebody who knows how to get you on the underground network to move them along without a paper trail. The most important thing is to get them out and gone before he gets wind of it, during the day when he's at work or while he's in jail, pack her and the kids, bare necessities, and start driving. Pay cash all the way to where you're going, get her settled in under a new name, and he won't be able to trace her unless someone tells him where they are. Just FYI, half the time it's the wife that makes contact with the abusive bastard, don't ask me why but they do. She has to be willing to leave his *** in the dust, no contact, no regrets.

And as the gentleman below me said, restraining orders are useless. Just ask the woman in CO that had one against her soon to be ex, he took all 3 of her kids and killed them, then committed suicide by cop. When she called the police to report he had taken the kids, they did NOTHING... the Supreme Court just ruled against her this spring, saying the feel sorry for her but the cops had no legal duty to enforce a restraining order! They are WORTHLESS PIECES OF PAPER.

Answer 6

Is there any way you can take your daughter and her children and move away? I know that's very hard because it's hard not to leave a trail somehow. Start looking on-line for resources for battered women. There are some that have ways of hiding and protecting women who are in danger from their husbands, it's almost like an underground railroad type thing. I'm not sure how to find out about this, but if you just start looking for shelters and services for battered women then somone will know something. If the cops are not taking this seriously you could also go to the local media. Often that is what it takes to get things done right. The local law enforcement will not like the bad press they will get for not protecting citizens and for allowing him to keep going free. If you don't have local media or if they don't listen, go to ABC News, NBC News, whatever it takes until you get someone to listen to you. Good Luck, I hope you can keep your family safe.

Answer 7

She needs to get an order of protection(stronger than restraining order) from the courts. If not then a restraining order. A domestic violence advocate can help you with that. The advocate can also give her more pointers to help her out. You would locate one through the local courts, police or battered womens shelters.

She can ask that he not come to her home, her work and the childrens schools. With an order of protection the police are required to pick him up if he violates it. She needs to avoid any sort of communication with him, not even to talk to the children. She can ask the court to appoint someone to supervise visitation with the children where she can drop them off and not have to see him. The next would be to move and not let him know where she moved to. Also if she can afford it get a burglar system set up to where if he breaks in the alarm is sounded and the police are summoned silently.

I knew a woman who was killed by her husband, who did the same thing as hers is doing and she had refused to change her job and living space, because it was too inconvienient...now her children and grandchild don't have her in their lives.

Answer 8

I was going out with a stalker. Did he say to her or you that he was going to kill? Don't answer your phone first of all. If you don't have a phone that takes messages? GET ONE. The more you ignore the stalker he will start to put these threats on your phone. Save all of them and let the police hear them. And get a peace bond put out on him. And its also hard because many police officers don't consider stalking a high priority. There is also Women's Action Coalition. You did not mention where you live or i could help out more. Like one woman said." I don't know where to go now. I don't know where to run. I'm a sitting duck. Do i have to be dead before there's enough proof?"
Take Care and good luck

Answer 9

well, I am sorry to hear that even though you are trying to protect your Daugherty...and with all the history of his husband the police can't do anything, makes me angry that they would do something only when they receive a call and find her killed by her husband, that is really sad. I guess the only solution right now is try to move your daughter out of the state you live, I guess she can ask the court for sole custody due to all the situation ( if she hasn't yet) and then move without telling anybody where she is going. It is the best way to prevent something terrible to happen to her and her children, believe me...He is going to kill her if he finds her, when he gets out of jail he might, so please I urge you to take your daughter and grandchildren to a better place, there are sanctuaries for Domestic Violence where she can reach for help, and they will be able to relocate her.

Answer 10

I don't know about anyone else, but if I was your daughter, I would get a gun, I know serious, well so is her life and her kids life. You said yourself he's been in jail 5 times the police aren't taking it serious so why don't you. You are the only one who can help, don't let her out of your sight stay with her always no matter what, ever heard of women who get a protection order always end up dead. So protect yourself next time he comes around let him know you got a gun and it's Make My Day Law! You have all the right to protect yourself, if she feels in danger at all shoot his A$$, I'd rather stay 2 nights in jail for questioning then dead you can't come back for the dead. He don't get it so give it to him to protect yourself and your daughter and grandkids. Someone has to take a stand!!! Hope everything works out and I'll keep you in my prayers at night. May God bless you and keep you safe. Get a Gun for real, it is only for protection, I've always heard only pull it if you intend on using it, it's not a sin to own one.