I'm P****ed off, have to go to work tomorrow...?

Question

I have been working 22 days none stop and i'm getting low... need good joke or something to cheer me up...any offers?

Answer 1

Sorry if this offends.Here's a joke my mate sent me....
A man wanted his 70 year old wife killed and asked the killer how he would do it. Killer replied I'd shoot below her left nipple. The Husband said i want her dead, not kneecapped.

here's another....
Paddy and Murphy are in the Jungle by a river, they see a man's head sticking out of a crocodiles, Paddy says to Murphy look at that flash C?**t in his lacoste sleeping bag.
Yeah i know they are lame

Answer 2

SECRET DIARY OF A CAT
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding on the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed (again).

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was ...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.

But I can wait; it is only a matter of time....

Answer 3

It is illegal to work this amount without any time off. You need a joke to cheer you up well so sorry but you are the joke for letting your employers take the rise out of you.

Wake up to your rights!

Answer 4

I hear ya -- I'm pissed off I have to work tomorrow too. Something that usually cheers me up is having a coffee with some Bailey's Irish Cream in it. Or chocolate liquor. Not a lot though -- I'm not a lush, and I'm not promoting alcoholism!

Also, exercising always makes me feel better. And I like renting episodes of Futurama and Seinfeld to watch. :)

Answer 5

Have you herd the one about the man that worked 22 days none stop. haaaaa haaaa [sorry] I'm not really laughing at you no really I'm not.

Answer 6

I got stuck up on the scaffolding one time
and the Boss shouted, come down the way you went up
I says, I went up head first,
He says, jump and we'll catch you on this blanket,
I says, I know you, as soon as I jump you'll pull that blanket away;
No put the blanket on the ground first, then I'll jump!

Answer 7

I wish I could help you out but a hard working man is good to find.

Answer 8

I'll trade jobs with you, I'm not sure what you do, but I have to stand at a register all day and deal with annoying tourists

Answer 9

Never mind Batey Boy, well done and think of the money. I did six months one time non stop - its a killer. Actually, thinking about it perhaps you should change your job. Change your life - why not?

Answer 10

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.