dose anyone hav a good redneck joke?

Question

i need to laugh really bad 10 points to whoever makes me laugh 1st

Answer 1

A couple of redneck hunters are out in
the woods when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing
and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other redneck starts to panic, then
whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He frantically blurts out to the operator,
"O my gawd! Help! My friend just died.
He's Dead! What can I do?"

The operator, trying to calm him says,
"Take it easy. I can help.
Just listen to me and follow my instructions.
First, lets make sure he's dead."
There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!!
The redneck comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"
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A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's home, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.
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Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here", says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Earl, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Jeb yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Bubba.

Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Georgia."
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The National Poetry Contest had come down to the final two contestants, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then they were allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word that they were given was "Timbuktu."
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.



The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three women in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.


The redneck won hands down!
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Many many years ago when I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a daughter who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became a brother-in-law to Dad.
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mom and it surely makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife, she is my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!
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A man and his wife were driving through Arkansas on their way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, the man decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up.

"What can I do fer y'all?" the attendant asked.

"Fill it with supreme, " the man said.



While the attendant was filling the tank, he looked the car up, down and sideways. "What kinda car is dis here?" he asked. "I never seen one like it before."

"It's a brand new Cadillac, " the driver said proudly. "It has power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a CD player, an 8-speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes, leather interior, digital instruments, a DVD player in the dash, etc...."

"Wow, " said the attendant. "That there's the fanciest car I ever did see."

"How much do I owe you?" asked the driver when the attendant had finished.

"That'll be $30.25, " he replied. The driver pulled out his money clip and peeled off a $20 and a $10. Then he went into his pocket and pulled out a handful of change. Mixed in with the change were a few golf tees.



"What're them little things there?" asked the attendant.

"That's what I put my balls on when I drive, " said the man.

"Goodness, " said the attendant. "Them Cadillac people think of everything."
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An Outsider in a small Texas town around Christmas time, saw a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. But one small feature was all wrong: the three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.



Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, he left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, he asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She exploded into a rage, yelling, "You darn Yankees never read your Bibles!"

The Outsider assured her that he did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and riffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in the guys face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"
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You might be a redneck addicted to the world of computers if...
-If yer computer stand is made of a stack of old tires or 2 x 8's and cinderblocks.
-Ya think www. in a url is a logo for a wrestlin' organization.
-Someone tells ya they're "locked up" and ya ask if they need bail money.
-Ya've ever been too drunk to chat.
-Ya think a hard drive is a trip to Uncle Bubba's.
-Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spit can.
-Ya think a surge suppressor is a pill for diarrhea.
-Ya keep trying to figure out why yer scanner won't pick up police radio calls.
-Ya think a megabyte is a new sandwich at McDonalds.
-Ya have to ask someone how to spell LOL.
-Yer stomach overlaps half of yer keyboard.
-Ya try to figure out how to get yer empty beer cans into the recyclin' bin.
-Ya try to turn on yer computer with the remote.
-Ya try to figure out how yer floppy disk got hard.
-Ya play Frisbee with yer CD Rom's.
-Ya find yerself on the floor looking into yer "A Drive" yelling 'Give it back! Give it Back'.
-When birds fly across yer screen ya reach for yer shotgun.
-Yer yards full of ol' computers stacked on cinder blocks.
-Ya use yer CD-ROM drive as a beer holder.
-Ya call tech support an ask where ta buy stamps fer yer e-mail.
-Ya think ICQ is how smert yer computer is.
-Ya think yer homepage is where ya really live.
-Ya give directions to a website that include a person, animal, or old barn.
-Ya see the word Download, and take the shells out of yer shotgun.
-Ya think the person that made yer keyboard was dumb cuz the letters aint in order.
-Ya see the "shift" key and try ta figure out how ta change gears.
-Ya see the word "Zip" and know why youz feelin' a draft.
-Yer puter has a bumper sticker on it.
-Part of yer puter is held together with duct tape.
-Ya sees the word "Refresh" and reach into the cooler fer another beer.
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In the back woods of Arkansas, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night. A doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous redneck busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."



Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Enus!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, "Do ye think it's dat der light that's attractin' em?"
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Answer 2

2 rednecks go hunting in the woods when they come upon a fork in the road with a sign that reads "Bear Left"
So they went home.

Answer 3

You so redneck your begging to make fun of yourself!!!
HAH HAH Im laughing will you gimme 10 points?

Answer 4

I just used this joke earlier today, but it's funny enough to use twice:


A guy in a wheelchair comes into a diner. As he is going to his table he sees none other than Jesus Christ sitting in one of the booths!

The guy in the wheelchair says to the waitress, "Miss, please send Jesus a cup of coffee, and put it on my bill."

Later, a guy with a severely hunched back comes into the diner. The guys sees Jesus, who is still sitting in the booth.

The hunchback guy says to the waitress, "Miss, please send a glass of Coke over to Jesus's table. And put it on my bill."

A short time later, a redneck on crutches comes into the diner. Of course, Jesus is still in the booth.

The redneck says to the waitress, "Miss, why don't you send my buddy Jesus over there a piece of apple pie. And put it on my bill."

Later, Jesus gets up to leave, after enjoying the coffee, Coke, and apple pie. He touches the man in the wheelchair, and says "for your generosity, you are healed." The guy gets out of his wheelchair, and can walk perfectly!

Then Jesus touches the hunchback man, and says, "for your generosity, you are healed." The man's hunch disappears, and he is in perfect health!

As Jesus approaches the redneck, the redneck yells, "don't you touch me! I'm collecting Disability!"

Answer 5

1) if you think that aliens or livin' under your bed
2) if you give your buddies a 50 in' tire for christmas & they cry with joy
3) if you have a ucle named ligtning rod, a cusin named thunder clowd & a nother cusin named stormy. (i do)
4) if you think that buity is in the eye of the beer-holder
5) if you gotta 4-wheller that goes 130 mph you drive to work every day. (my friend does he payed $10,000 buck's for)
6) if you talk like me, let me give you an example.....i towlk jus' like dis here. an'd dat ain't'a understatemant e'there. jus' as'k my ma

Answer 6

you can tell if someones a redneck if they refer to the fifth grade as theit graduation day

Answer 7

http://www.ahajokes.com/redneck_jokes.html

Here is a good site for redneck jokes.

Answer 8

you no ur a redneck when ur ignorant or have a bother as an inlaw

Answer 9

yo mama so stupid she called the operator and said how long does it take to go to california to florida? the operator said 1 minuite and she said ok and hung up

Answer 10

if u get married in the state of alabama--
will you still be brother and sister?

Answer 11

If you mow your lawn and find a car..........you might be a REDNECK !!! ;)