How can I get my mother-in-law to not be such a jerk?

Question

After I had my son, my mother-in-law decided that she got to make any decision for him whatsoever, regardless of what my husband and I told her. She fed him his first baby food and then lied to me about it when I confronted her. She gave him Mylanta (for those of you who don't know, this is not for babies). He was only 3 months old then. When we decided to take away the pacifier, she had some stashed that she would give to him. She said one day that he was constipated and then gave him prunes. He had such bad diarrhea, I could have beat her black and blue. So we decided that she was never to be left alone with him. That solves the problem of her hurting him. But, she is so rude to me. She came to the house one night and while I was putting some groceries away, she just left without saying a word to me. Also, at my son's first birthday party, she was rude to all of my guests. They said that when they tried to speak to her, she acted offended.

*just as a note, when she came to the house she did knock. i was just extremely offended at the fact that she did not tell me good-bye before she left. i have never done that. also, i have been trying to get my husband to talk to her for several months now, almost a year. he keeps putting it off because they will get mad. his father is a preacher and thinks that this means he is alway in the right. he usually is not. the last time that i had a talk with his mother was when she gave zach prunes. his father later fussed at him for me "jumping on" her. poor poor evil mother-in-law

I did actually decide to be a jerk back to her once. when he came home with a pacifier one day (we were trying to stop giving them to him) I cut the tip off of the paci and put it back in the diaper bag. i figured if she was gonna dish it out, i could dish it right back. they went back to my husband and told him what a smart @$$ i was being. it was so worth it. but, of course, it didn't work

*another note* My husband does have a younger sister, she's not married. she also thinks that her mother is out of control and totally agrees with me and my husband. i get along with her great. i used to get along with the mother-in-law until we decided to get married. she was encouraging us to get married before we ever talked about it. i don't know what happened.

Answer 1

I've just gone through this in a much smaller degree. My husbands family are Lebanese and wanted to be here everyday when my daughter was born. When their other grandchildren were born she moved in to help care for them.

This was my second and even with my first my mom never came. I let them know right away that I didn't need help and that a call was required before they come by. They get their weekly visits and the odd extra here and there. Even if they saw them everyday it would never be enough.

They had a huge problem with this in the beginning and it caused real problems for my huband and I because he would not speak to them. Husbands need to realize that when they get married the wife becomes first and that family is first and the rest comes second. It is you house, your child, your family and you have the right to create boundaries.

It got so bad for us at one time that I got so stressed out that it drug me down and the anxiety really got to me and I got sick with mono. You can't afford to get sick when you have kids to care for. I'm now seeing a counselour regularily and am doing some reading:"The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John M. Gottman. It was recommended by my counselor. I also bought "Toxic In-Laws" by Susan Forward which I haven't read because things have greatly improved lately. But it may really benefit you. I'm righting in a journal too which helps get some anxiety out.

You should really surround yourself with positive people and things that make you happy. It will make you a much better mommy. Talk about this with your husband and if your in-laws want to be involved with your family they need to understand your need. Of course there is some comprimise but it should be a positive experience for everyone involved.

Answer 2

Well it is obvious, your mother-in-law has control issue's.
The ties that bind can be cut.
If I was you I would take control and enforce some rules in your own home and with your child. You and your husband should sit down and decide what rules you should enforce. He did marry you so your feelings should be first and foremost if he expects to have a happy and healthy family and life.
If the jerk in law disagrees with your rules and refuses to abide by them, then she can stop coming over.
As for your child, if she can not respect your wishes on what you think is best for your child then do not let her have him.
Stand up and take control and stand tall. She will fight and be stubborn at first, but if you stand your ground and let her know you cannot be swayed, she will change her way's.
Also if she cannot be a gracious and respectful guest at family gatherings in your home then do not extend an invitation.

Answer 3

OK. So your mother-in-law needs massive psychotherapy and medication. I'm not kidding!

She's a narcissistic control freek. Look up malignant narcissism or narrcisist on a web search. These people must be avoided by any and all means.

You and hubby must be willing to lose his parents. This may seem extreme, but unless they both get help propfessionally from BOTH a trained psychotherapist and psychiatrist, there is NO posssiblity they will treat you and mosre importantaly, your child correctly.

Mylanta? Prunes for a 5 week old? These are criminal actions and the mother-in-law should be charged with endangering the welfare of a monir. Short of that. she knew better, believe me. She can read...the Mylanta is for adults, not 5 week olds. This is absolutely perposterous.

If hubby insists on seeing his parents, YOU are not to not allow your child near these manicas, despite the cloth pastopr dad in law wears. It's cover for a fool in this case.

You and hubby need to get into couples counseling and bare it all, to have not only a succesful marriage, but to insure the safety of your child or chiuldren and personal sanity.

As for moma's disrespectul behaviors, it is her loss, no one elses. Ignore her. She is a loose canon. Your sister-in-law knows it too, so you are not fabbricating it.

The saying that blood is thicker than watrer is untrue!!!!!!

Answer 4

Ignore her totally. Treat her presence as something extras. Stand firm as your standing as a mother. Your in-law won't follow you forever for their age. So you should not be bothered so much of how she were to treat your guest. Anyway i don't think your guess will blame you for anything. Tell both your in-laws that you are the parent of your child. I thought your husband's dad is a preacher ??? The bible encourages children to led their own families and why is he bothering you.

You are right to choose not to let them take care of your child in your absence. Find alternative to ask somebody else to take care instead --- What about your parents.

It is no use asking your husband to talk to them. This will make him in an awkward position. Who can he side ?? his parents or u ? That is tough to decide. Moreover grandparent are usually so stubborn to listen cos they thought they have gone through everything. They even still believing on what has now been proven to be myths. And they are sure to have "homemade" formulae when keeping a child is concerned.

So put your stand clear to them that you have your ways of keeping your own child to the extend of turning the relationship sour. Anyway I guess it is sour by now. You are only doing little objections so far. Be bold enough to confront them and straight to the point.

I hope I am not misleading you anywhere. This is just my experience.

Answer 5

She sounds like the mother in law from hell. You have to put your foot down with her and call a spade a spade. If that doesn't work move away from her the further the better. When she visits make sure she knows the rules.
She probably means well but that doesn't mean you have to put up with what she dishes out. If you move away perhaps she will realise that her interference has driven the people she loves away. I hope you can all eventually get on, as a Nannie is so important in a child's life and visa versa.

Answer 6

I too have a very controlling mother in law. I found what worked best was to not allow her over to our house. She has become alot more respectful knowing that she might not be able to see her grandkids as much. Also I've found you can't ask things of your mother in law and then be surprised when she wants something in return. Example - don't ask her to babysit for free and then get upset if she handles things differently than you would prefer. After some time has gone by, you might consider playing nice by letting her know you appreciate that she has more experience in child rearing and maybe even ask her some advice. She might just want to feel needed and doesn't know her place now that all her kids don't need her anymore.

Answer 7

If the door is locked and you don't answer it, she can't come in, right? Let her know that when she acts badly, she won't be invited back for awhile. Give it a little space, then give her another opportunity. You may have to do this several times before she gets it. Controlling people CAN control themselves. You actually have the upper hand, because if she acts up, she'll have limited time with her grandchild. You and your husband need to get on the same page with this, or it won't work.

Answer 8

I am very sorry that your husband has allowed your mother-in-law to be behaving as such.As a husband my mother has no right to decide whatsoever in my house. Why are you people staying together? Your in -laws should know that they have their home and you have yours. All the blames are on your husband if you are sincere in what you are saying, and you need to be frank with your father in- law whom you say he is a preacher. That is the person who might have even put things right except he is among those preachers who no longer work with God. Have you even presented the matter before God? You know with God everything is possible.
Wish you the best and the baby.

Answer 9

I didn't have the problem with my mother in law, but I did have a problem with my brother in law. I finally got fed up with the way he was behaving in my home. I told him " I am not married to you. I am sorry that I am not what you want for your brother. He chose me & if you don't like it .That is your progitave, because unless he says so I am here to stay."My husband backed me up with this. Talk to your husband if he feels the same way you do,then please sit his mom down & have a long discussion. Let her know that you can have her in the family .That u need to make your own mistakes with your child. You know she can luv u.

Is your hubby an only child? this may also be the factor ...

Answer 10

She is a witch. She will try to cause trouble in your marriage. If you value your family (and it sounds as if you do), you will have to set boundaries for her. Tell you husband ahead of time and tell him that you expect him to back you up.

She sounds so domineering that I doubt getting your husband to talk t her will work. She will just go running to your father-in-law complaining.

Let her know what is and is not acceptable around you and your baby and make her stick to it. Don't worry about it she "does not like you." After I decided I could not care less if my MIL liked me or not, she was much nicer to me. Evil people can sense when they are no longer getting to you.

Good luck to you. Wouldn't it be nice if your in-laws moved many, many, many miles away?