Can someone help me here? Parents seperation?

Question

I posted this in another section last night and didn't get very many answers. Maybe someone here can offer some advice. Thank you.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Ai5zOe84mRC9KxEHkiWEYPLsy6IX?qid=20060819182255AA8aMXb

Answer 1

Wow, that's a tough situation... not just that your parents are divorcing, but that you were living with them at the time and thus feel a very strong burden to stay and help pick up the pieces.

So there's a problem now. Even if you wanted to put some healthy space between yourself and your dad, just to get your emotional bearings, if you move out now it might come across as further abandonment to him… which is the last thing you probably feel like doing to him.

Also not great is that you’re sort of being forced to "pick sides" just because your dad is staying in the house where you are and your mom is leaving.

[In divorce, it’s always best to prevent children – as much as is reasonable – from being forced to take up one parent’s side more than the other.]

How does your mom perceive your staying with Dad? Is she practical about it, or will she hold it against you later? It sounds like you have a “better” relationship with Mom than Dad, but I’m not sure how far it goes.

Hmmm. In terms of what to say to your dad... Well, it's unrealistic to think that you could fix things at all, let alone quickly. You're 23, which means his marriage had a lot of years behind it; and even if the last few years sucked, it still hurts to lose all that investment and feel your mom's absence. He’s obviously distraught.

When people are grieving, the best thing to do often is just to be there and available. I wouldn’t “dote” on your father and swamp him, you want to give him the emotional space inside he needs to work through his feelings (and if you try to always make him feel better, he won’t take that inner journey).

At the same time, I would just try to treat him like a real person. If you’re going shopping for groceries or embarking on other “casual” chores, invite him along. Share some details about your own daily life, just casual things, so he feels included. Basically provide an “invitation” for him to respond to you, and don’t try to force him to respond to you. Just make yourself available to him, be “safe,” and let him “come to you.”

Some dads might have been emotionally distant because they were selfish, but others are distant simply because they don’t know how to talk about their relationships and feelings. Women are far ahead of most men in that category. It sounds now like the divorce gives him a reason to open up about his feelings, past his normal reticence, so just create a space where you are available when he finally feels like he has to speak.

Ask him some general questions about his feelings too (sure), but don’t force the issue if he stops talking about it. Just give him lots of room/time to respond.

I think if your bf moves in, you should recognize that – as another male in the same home, semi-related to the family – your dad might start to confide in him or want to spend buddy-time with him. There are things guys just can’t tell girls or have trouble, whereas another guy can relate. Your bf will become the de facto male/son here.

Most people have faith in something. So how would your religious faith address this issue? Does it provide you with any sort of strength or guidance in terms of how to love your father (who you feel distant from) in this stressful time where you’re not sure what to do?

Good luck with your situation, I hope things work out and that your parents can heal, even if the marriage cannot be saved.

Don’t put yourself in the middle or try to fix things; just make yourself available to your parents in case they want to talk.

Answer 2

Hmm. Do your parents have friends their own age? They may need to spend some time with them first before they are willing to be open with you about how their relationship turned sour and what happened. Parents are often stand-offish about telling kids about their relationships. Here's what I'd do about your father, I'd make him his fav food and make him a card telling him that you love him and are there for him. Saying things can be hard, so this will be easier. Then the ball is again in his court and if he's up to talking he will. Give it time. Also, don't get too caught up in giving comfort that you don't get any yourself. If you bf seems a little awkward about the whole thing or doesn't realize that you're hurting, too. Ask him for a few more hugs, maybe just some quiet time together (non-romantic), just silent company and sympathy. While your bf is tending to you, you will find that you can better help those around you. A broken vase can't carry water to put out any fires.

Answer 3

Okay Baby;
I don't know the whole story about their struggles and is difficult for offspring to get across to their parents that they might know something about life that the parent didn't teach them.

But, counseling has been underused in our society. I would say to them both that I won't help either of them until they go to marriage counseling and try to resolve their differences like the grown ups they are supposed to be. Given that their house is yours right now, this is not going to fly. You need to do whatever you have to, to get out of there. If after 6-12 months they still want to go through with the divorce then go take care of your Dad's needs. And what about your Mom, doesn't she have needs that she can't see to herself, like housing? You and your b/f need to get on your own feet. If you aren't making enough money, go get a better job. If you're not able to find work because of lack of skills, go to school to get the skills you need to market to employers. Do it as soon as you can because what's going on at home will continue to train you in relating to the opposite sex. And what you're learning right now is; when the going gets too tough, jump ship.

Answer 4

This happens often when children are gone, there is nothing to hold the marriage together. People grow away from each other and have interest outside each other. If you are a praying person, I would say pray for them, if your not then be happy to help them adjust to a new life. Oh, this is also what you should do if you want children, but remember children are a blessing from God but if you do not acknowledge Him then don't expect children. I will remember to pray for your situation.

Answer 5

Spookshow Baby.
First of all, I love your name.

Michael's Answer ( separated, wife left him, my roommate)
If you are honest with yourself, the best situation is to have your parents reconcile their relationship in a healthy way. Ummm, ( I'm taking dictation, Court Reporter style), the way for them to do this, I hate to clobber you with good news that you might not understand, is to get someone else in to the middle of their relationship. That person is the one who created all relationships in the first place, and knows how they are supposed to work better than anyone.

If you have an understanding that there is a spiritual aspect to this life, then you must know that there are powers that are beyond our immediate perception. The most powerful spiritual being can be known by you and your parents.
And He can help put their relationship back together. The cool thing is that He wants to help. He can help them to open up their hearts to each other and help them understand each other on a level deeper than they've never known before.

To achieve this, they need to tap into the power of the Creator. And they can only do that, if they know the Creator. So how do you know someone who is so far beyond us, that He is unknowable? He sent His Son to become like us so that we can know Him. And that person is Jesus Christ.

He's got a plan for them and you that is far superior to any plan that you or they might have.

My answer (KingReef777),
Be strong. I know that you are into Wicca, and if you don't have the desire to come to God, I won't wrestle that issue with you. I will however tell you the best answer I can.

Be strong. And use this time to know that tears will come, but will not destroy you. Whatever your father and mother's issues are, are not center to your life. The relationship that you have with your boyfriend is. If you haven't gotten interested in a projection of your father ( I would find that rare) then your boyfriend is close and attentive to you. Be an example for your father and mother. Never disrespect either one of them. Remember that you have a certain love for them, and let that guide you as to what to say when you speak to either one of them.

Your relationship to them is the same, you are their daughter, Try looking at them, I mean really looking. If you have discernment, you will be guided as to how to say things, and what to say.

It sounds like you are attempting to make things as smooth as possible. So it also sounds like you are a peacemaker. Do what you do best. Make peace. (ceasing to be against).

Answer 6

This is a hard one. People seperate because they can't be together anymore. Perhaps they would have seperated long ago if you had not beena child and they had not felt societal pressure to stay together.

Religion could have been the problem to begin with. You know, no homosexuals allowed in marriage thing they preach. and the way they hate single mothers.

I suppose just ask him what you can do to help, maybe you have a hot slutty girlfriend you could introduce him to. :)

Best of luck.

http://flushaholybook.com

Answer 7

Just remember, it has nothing to do with you, nothing at all. Parents seperate for many reasons. Many reasons. A lot of them children, and yeah, I called you a child, don't or can't understand. Adult matters are sometimes to complex for even us adults to understand. We don't understand why when we try so hard things just don't work out. I don't know anything about your family so it's kinda hard to give advice. But, 10 times out of 10, it's never because of anything to do with the kids. Sometimes parents still love each other, but can't live together. Sometimes parents just try to hard to make it work that it fails. Just remember both parents love you.

Answer 8

all i can say is good luck, and growing up i had 4 different stepmothers and never knew my real mother.it will be tough for a while but as you grow the pain will fade away like a memory from childhood.life has ups and downs so walk with your head high,and all will be well.BlessedBe

Answer 9

I guess ur question is your parents are separating.
That happens all the time, try to get them to go to counseling, prayer and try talking to each of them.

Answer 10

I like your name...was "living dead girl" already taken :) ...but anyways i can't relate to your question since i never had to go thro one of those, just go with your first instinct