What's your best joke?

Question

I would tell you mine, but it's far too rude for this time of day...

Answer 1

Three tampons are walking down the street
Which one of them says hello to you first?


None, they are all stuck up cunts.

Answer 2

ok, there was a blonde, a brunette and a red head standing right in front of sudam husain getting redy to get killed with guns and all. Now u know,none of them wanted to get killed.So the brunette yelled, "Tornado!" and sudam looked back and the brunette ran away. So he looked back at the red and the blonde and this time the red head said "Earthquake!" he looked back, she ran away. so now it was only the blonde standing there and she yelled "FIRE!"

get it??? fire your guns?? hahahaha....4 more go 2 jokes.com


heres another:

ok there was a guy walking in the middle of no where when he finally came 2 a little shack where there was a guy sellin donkeys. the man asked the guy there if he could borrow a donkey to get somewhere. "ok but there are religius donkeys, to make it stop , u need 2 say jesus christ and 2 make it go you need to say praise the lord." the man took one of the donkeys and was off. he was riding for a while when suddently the donkey started galloping ... torwards a cliff ! so the man screamed: "JESUS CHRIST ,JESUS CHRIST!!!" The donkey stopped at the edge of the cliff and the guy said "pffffewf! praise the lord!"

i just thought those were pretty funny.

Answer 3

There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had was a female donkey. One day he wins the lottery and gets $50,000. He doesn't know what to do with his money, so he decides to spend a night in a five star hotel. He asks for the finest room and starts going up the stairs with his female donkey. The manager sees him and asks where he's going with his donkey.
"Anywhere I go, she goes."
"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you can't take the donkey upstairs. Leave it down here with us and we'll take good care of her." So Bozo goes up to his room and opens the door. Everything is made of gold, there is a table full of food, and a huge television. He doesn't want to ruin anything so he takes his raggedy coat off and sleeps on the floor. The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how his night was.
''Great!'' replied Bozo. ''How much do I have to pay?'' he asks.
''One thousand dollars for the food.''
''But I haven't touched the food."
''It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand dollars for the TV."
''But I didn't even know how to turn the damn thing on!''
''It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for sleeping on the bed."
''But I slept on the floor!''
''It was there. Your total is eight thousand dollars."
''You owe me ten thousand dollars for screwing my donkey.''
''But sir, I didn't screw your donkey.''
''It was there. You should have!''

Answer 4

A young boy asks his father "what's the difference between theory and fact?" The father says "well, let me show you. Run upstairs and ask your big sister if she were offered a million dollars to sleep with her high school principal, would she do it?" The boy then ran upstairs and came back moments later. " she said 'for sure!!!' The father nodded and said," now go run into the kitchen and ask your mom if she were offered a million dollars to sleep with her boss, would she?" So the boy did as told and came back seconds later saying " she said 'hell yes!!!' The father sighed and said," okay son......in theory, we're millionaires..... but in fact we are living with a couple of whores!"

Answer 5

Marty is going to meet his girlfriends parents for the first time today, and she promised she'd have s.e.x with him after. It's his first time, so he goes to the local pharmicist to get some condoms. He can't decide between the regular or family pack, so he and the pharmacist talk for about half an hour and he finally decides to get the family pack. When Marty gets to his gf house and they get to the dinner table, Marty puts his head down. A minute passes and the girlfriend says "Marty, you never told me you were so religious".

Marty says " You never told me your dad was a pharmacist"

Answer 6

A woman was pregnant with triplets, and she happened to be in a bank one day when a mad man stormed in an shot her 3 times and ran off with a load of money. The woman was rushed to hospital but lo and behold once the bleeding had stopped she and her 3 unborns were fine. " A miracle" the doctor exclaimed. She gave birth a few months later to 3 healthy baby boys. 13 years later one of the boys came rushing through the house shouting "Mummy, I was having a wee and a bullet came out!"

"Oh my god" said the mother, and she rushed him to the doctor who did a full check up and he was fine. He said "the bullet must have just worked its way through the body"

A couple of weeks later the second boy came running through to his mother and said " Mummy, i was having a wee and a bullet came out!" but like the first boy he was fine

a couple of weeks after that the third boy came running through shouting "Mummy, i was having a w**k and I shot the dog"

Answer 7

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Answer 8

this guy invites his mom over for dinner and as soon as she gets to his new apartment she notices his gorgeous room mate. the guy immediately sees the look on his mom's face and say "it's not what you think, we are just room mates."
so they eat dinner and the mom goes home.
about 2 weeks later, the girl says to the guy "since your mom's been here, I can't find my antique silver gravy ladle"
The guy writes his mom a letter and it says
"dear mom, I'm not saying you took the gravy ladle, and i'm not saying you didn't take the gravy ladle. all i'm saying is that since you've been here it's been missing"
so the mom writes back,
"dear son, i'm not saying you're sleeping w/ your roommate, and i'm not saying you're not sleeping with your roommate. all i'm saying is if she were sleeping in her own bed, you'd have found the gravy ladle 2 weeks ago."

Answer 9

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

Answer 10

A blind man and his dog went into a shop.
The blind man picked the dog up by the tail and started to swing it around.
"Hey, stop that, said the shopkeeper. "What do you think you are doing?"
"Oh just looking around" replied the blindman.