me and my friend and her daughter have been sharing a home for over two years now. it is a home owned by my father and aunt. they said that we all need to be out by october because the roof will not hold for another winter. we have the oppertunity to have two different places to live but she refuses to leave me. she says she cannot survive without me. i am 23 years old and she is 42 she survived before me why not now. how do i tell her i want her to give me my own space? i want to get married and have a family.
2006-08-20 04:17:50 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Other - Pregnancy & Parenting
she says that i cannot survive without her and i have to be there to watch the kid that isnt mine i cannot even get a job because of this.
2006-08-20 04:25:05 · update #1
the roof is so bad that it is falling in and dad is afraid it will collaps and he is going to fix it but the rafters will need fixed not just shingles
2006-08-20 04:28:50 · update #2
Just flat out tell her that you want to live alone. You don't have to overexplain or let her guilt you. Go look for places, find somewhere to live, and move. She is using you as a crutch, and as long as you keep letting her, she'll not change.
2006-08-20 04:23:25 · answer #1 · answered by Velken 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have a couple of months. So she has plenty of time to make provisions. I think more that she is feeling that she cannot survive without you. Sometimes people need a little push to live their life. It is ok for you to just tell her that you need to be on your own. You didn't say a lot about your friends story, like the age of her daughter, or how long has she been a single mom? Give her that little push, she will land on her feet... all single mom's do. And you are young, your life is just now starting.. you have every right to be on your own. If she is a true friend, she will understand.
2006-08-20 13:26:30 · answer #2 · answered by tootsie45414 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have to think about yourself and your needs, not that of a 42 year old. if you have the opportunity to have a place of your own take it before you lose it and let the 42 year old learn to live on her own with her daughter. She's not being a very good role model for her not being able to 'survive' without someone else. Good luck!
2006-08-20 11:24:46 · answer #3 · answered by ctryhnny04 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sometimes people become much too dependant on someone else to be able to easily contemplate a life without that support.
It is sad for your friend but she too will be better served if she once again learns to rely upon herself to make decisions and carry her own burdens.
If she is putting the care of her daughter on your shoulders she is using you. Tell her very plainly that while you may love her daughter you are NOT her childs mother and that it is time that she deals with her own responsiblity. Make your plans and carry them out. When she is forced to make her own arrangements for housing, childcare and all the other things she is putting on your shoulders she will. So DO NOT let her continue to manipulate you! When it comes right down to it, you really don't have to explain ANYTHING to her, just go find you a place to live and a job, move and let her come home to an empty house. It is a sure thing that she will survive. If I have misjudged her I apologize and stand by what I said to begin with, but, even so you have NOTHING to feel guilty about!
At 23 it IS time for you to begin planning for a family or even just being on your own for a time.
Tell her you love her as a friend and you always will, and that you will still be a part of her life, just not ALL of her life. Tell her it is time for you to test your wings. Time to look to the future and what it might hold for you. She must understand that at 42 she has many more years of experience at choosing a future than you have. Tell her just as now YOU must grow, it's time for HER to begin to grow once again. Remind her that she is still young and it is not good for her to just stop looking for new people, new places, new ideas, and new horizons. Remind her that she has a daughter and she is not setting a good example by clinging to you as a lifeline. Most importantly, tell her she can and will HAVE to survive without you. As you said before, she survived before you were in her life. Remind her of that.
This will NOT be easy, but this is not only for YOUR benefit but for hers. Sometimes love requires us to do things that may seem cruel, but in the long run it is best for everyone. Stand firm and don't back down. You owe this to yourself AND to her!
I wish you the very very best of blessings. You are about to enter the best years of your life. That's not just a cliche baby!!!
2006-08-20 11:42:22 · answer #4 · answered by fishergirl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you need a good backbone! She'll only take advantage of you if you let her. Find a new place FOR YOURSELF, arrange everything, and let her know as you are packing up your stuff.
When she gives you begging and arguments, be firm and matter of fact. "Of course you can do it without me, you did it before!"
Tell her "You've been using me as a crutch for long enough, and this is the perfect opportunity for me to live my own life instead of being consumed by you and your daughters. I still love you tons, but we're not married! I feel like you want us to live like a happy married couple forever, and that's not what I want. I want a full time job, and the freedom to come and go as I please. I want the space to find a husband and have a married life with him. I can't do that in this living situation."
Remember, this is YOUR life. You have NO moral obligation to your friend to live with her. You have been very kind, but it's time to get on with YOUR life.
2006-08-20 12:09:23 · answer #5 · answered by Margie 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's tough. Well you can talk to her about how you are feeling. Tell her that it would be nice to live on your own just to see if you can make it. If you are seeing someone tell her that you will be moving in that that person and even though it would be great to have her come its would be better for your relationship. You want this for you. Also encourage her to go house shopping on her own. If you do go with her make it clear that it would be a nice home for her and her daughter. Tell her how great it would be to just be her and her daughter getting to know each other and to never forget that if she needs anything you will be there for her
2006-08-20 11:27:25 · answer #6 · answered by fengca77 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Eleanor Roosevelt once said "No one can take advantage of you without your consent." She can survive without you, but she doesn't think she can.
You need to be kind and firm. Tell her you care about her but you need to have your own life now. Ask her what her concerns are about being on her own and try to help her with those (is it childcare? Chores? Money? These all have different solutions). But don't let her bully you into changing your mind. You need to do what's best for you.
2006-08-20 11:24:39 · answer #7 · answered by PrincipalNZF 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Are you just friends or is there a romantic relationship? If you are just friends, tell her that you can still be friends even though you live in different houses. She may need some professional help if she is so dependent on you.
If you are in a romantic relationship, it may be time to break up. As far as how to tell her, tell her just like you told us.
"I want my own space"
2006-08-20 11:25:33 · answer #8 · answered by chrbarley 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just tell her!! Don't feel guilty...like you said she is 42 and survived before you. She needs to be the bigger adult here and move on.
2006-08-20 11:23:17 · answer #9 · answered by Author Al 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just be honest with her and tell her the truth that you want to try it on your own. Reassure her that you will still be there for her and that you will always care for her, but you need to be on your own.
2006-08-20 11:26:33 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋