Marriage or career????

Question

I got engaged two years ago as soon as i passed out from college and am getting married in Jan-07.I love my man but the fact that i will have to live with my in-laws and will be showered with lots of responsibilities like cooking,gardening and taking care of them and the big house is scaring me.I always wanted to be a free person with a good career.I live in a small town where career opportunities are less and my to be husband does not want to leave his parents house for a better life.I tried talking to him but it really did not help much.I don't want to hurt him at the same time don't want to sacrifice my career.What do i do???

Answer 1

You're not listening to him, and he's not listening to you.

Don't sacrifice your career for marriage, and don't sacrifice your marriage for your career.

You both need to be more open in communication--you need to specify why you would like to move, and he needs to specify why he wants to stay. Why does he want to stay with his parents?

"my to be husband does not want to leave his parents house for a better life"--obviously you don't understand why he doesn't want to leave. Also, don't phrase it as a "better life." Try more along the lines of, "our OWN life" or "our life together."

I suggest having a heart-to-heart with him. Be honest, mature, don't accuse, and don't act like a victim. If you don't want to live with your in-laws, then I would suggest making the first step for moving.

However, keep in mind that your fiance may have a lot to lose too. You didn't mention his job--is he tied to the community? Is his job worth staying?

While it is important that you are heard, you also need to give you fiance credit. Work this out before you make any rash decisions.

Answer 2

Hard call to make. Many people are happy with a simple life. Some want more excitement. I know many career women and they like their freedom and better financial stability. I also, know simple country girls that would not change their stress free life for any amount of money. The thing here is; "What do you want"? If, you want to get out a live life to the fullest, then you need to really consider this. I know you not want to hurt your man, but, does he want to hurt you? If, he loves you then he will want the best for you. Many times a girl marry into a unhappy life. Do not fall prey to this! But, the other side of the coin he may be a man you never find out in the world, one you can stay married to. Life is short, we can only make so many mistakes! This not an easy decision and we never know the future. But, I lived in the Big City and made money, and later I was able to return to a more simple life, and, say; "I been there done that". I not sit in a small town and wish I had done something else. I also know women that tell me how they wish they had done some of the things I have. They got married and had children and were great mothers. Now the children are grown and they want to experience what they missed. Hope this makes sense.

Answer 3

If you future husband is not prepared to leave Mummy and Daddy then don't marry him. You must follow your dreams and I am 100% certain they do not include having to live with your in-laws. The thought is awful, a young married couple need their own space so they can grow together, you need to be able wander naked around your house, make love anywhere and everywhere you want, scream when you're having sex, bath and shower together - the thought of missing out on all that is horrendous. Good luck but try finding a guy with with a bit more passion, you deserve that.

Answer 4

OK, this is a tough one. So let's see if I can give some help and hopefully reasonable advice.

1. There is nothing wrong with getting married right out of college. My wife and I got married right out of high school. It was bumpy for a number of years, but in the end, it worked out. 32 years now, still married.

2. Living with your inlaws. Again, I can see no problem with this. I wish my inlaws offered us the opportunity to live with them when we first got married. They said, literally - GET OUT when my wife and I turned age 18. That is why we got married. To survive.

BUT, BUT, what is with turning you into the maid/butler, gardener, chauffeur and personal assistant? Assuming you will be working full-time when you graduate from college, when do you have the time to take care of his parents? AND, are they in a physical condition where they can no longer take care of themselves? ANNNDDD, what is your future spouse going to do to HELP to take care of them with you? Something is wrong with this picture.

I would get a job, and pay the parents "rent" for living in their house. Then they can hire people to do all those chores. You do not have time!! You have a husband and a career to deal with.

This is definitely a reverse "failure to launch." You need to either throw yourself out of this relationship before you get married, or have you and your future husband and his parents see a marriage counselor BEFORE you get married.

PS You CAN have a better life if ALL OF YOU work together as a complete family, but not where YOU get the chores!!

My wife and her sister joined together a few years ago so where we are now a big family of 3 parents and 3 kids. It has worked amazingly well for all of us.We take care OF EACH OTHER. No ONE person does all the chores. Well, I do the carpenter work, but that is OK, we share everything else.

Good luck with your relationship. Hope this helps.

Answer 5

Never sacrifice a career!!!! Education and career stay with you for life!! A marriage can go up in smoke!! Furthermore, you marry a guy for companionship and shared responsibilities but not for becoming a "maid" for his parents!! If you need to ask this question, you already know the answer!!! In a relationship, communication must be both ways not only one way street!! Be independent and not submissive as you are a smart girl!! Best wishes!!

Answer 6

I understand how you feel, I was engaged to a guy that was in the Marines and where he lived there were no job opportunities you either worked in a gas station or a fast food spot (that was not for me) I broke of the engagement b/c I loved him but I loved myself more, I knew that I would have never been happy living in the location that he was in. When I explained it to him he was hurt but he understood, I have certain expectations of myself and I am accustom to making a certain amount of money, but that's me. I am not telling you to break off your engagement I am just telling you that you have to think about yourself before you think about anyone else, b/c if you don't fulfill your dream you will regret it and you may go through life hating him (your husband) b/c of it. Search yourself and you already know the answer; be honest with yourself. Good luck!

Answer 7

Do not live with your in-laws. Don't. No matter how much you love them, it will not work out. Find some way to be independent so you two can live on your own. Reassure your husband to be that you would still be willing to help out his parents, anytime with anything. Just say you need your privacy and want the specialness of starting your new life together by yourselves.

Answer 8

Do you really want to marry a mama's boy who won't move out of his parent's house after he is married? That is one of the most unnatural things I have ever heard. Also, why is it your responsibiltiy to take care of HIS parents and his parent's garden? Run girl, run fast and run far. Go get your career, because your future in that small town with those small people does not sound promising.

Answer 9

You have to decide whats more important for you and how it will affect the rest of your life. Is he your 1 true luv or could you live w/out him. If you could live w/out him then there is someone waiting for you and it isnt him. You also have to look at it from these perspectives. #1: These are his parents and they wont be around forever. He also has a decision that has arose w/ yours. Leave them or let you go. #2: If you do decide to stay, will yo resent him later for you losing the life you wanted so badly and how it will affect your future if you are truly not happy.

Kandi

Answer 10

I think you definately need to talk to your guy and work for a compromise. Maybe you can live near his parents but not with them. A compromise is something inbetween what you both want that fulfills each of your needs, not one of you caving in to the other. Did you know this when you started dating/got engaged? If you did, he told you and you thought he would change or whatnot. Its your turn to make a decision. Maybe this relationship isn't for you.