help please?

Question

i have a 12 year old daughter ,she is so disrespectful and mouthy has called me names...whn i ask her how her day was her response is "you ask to many questions and you are anoying" ...i dont know what to do ..is this typical of a teenager? I dont know how to reach her...please any suggestion please help me

the other problem she lives with her father in another state ... what do i do my god

Answer 1

Try to sit down with her and just tell her that you want open communication with her & that you want for her to tell you about her day & be able to talk to you about everything. Tell her it is not that you are annoying and she will see that in a few years - but that you care about her and that she is hurting your feelings by saying that to you. What you are doing is the right thing to do - you shouldn't just say nothing - they need to talk sometimes and it sounds like you are trying but she just isn't opening up.

My sister in law is fourteen now and she was alway so sweet to her mom and all of a sudden when she turned 12 and then more so at 13 or 14, her mom told me - I don't know where my sweet kid went... It is normal for girls that age escpecially to pull away and start to find out who they are and telling mom all of that just isn't "cool"anymore and then in a few years, she'll be your best friend again - after puberty, etc - I guess you have a while to go with that so you need to put a stop to it now as much as you can.

If she is nasty and mouths off, you have to give her some form of punishment. If you don't, she has no reason to stop - if she doesn't see any negative consequences from her behavior then she will keep repeating it and think it is ok and just walk all over you - that can't happen. She needs to know that part of becoming an adult is talking and respect - and that is how she earns respect is by giving it to you - it's not just a one way street. So my mother in law started to say to her is she was nasty about going to the mall etc - forget it we're not going and turn around. When you want to be nice and respect me, then we can do things for you. If she has a parry to go to - same thing applies. Then, if she starts to miss things cause of her behavior - it will change, ASAOP most likely. Right now the only one bearing the negative consequences of her behavior is you - and you have to change that.

Names are unacceptable - they won't be tolerated - the girl I am talking about does the sammme thing so yes it is normal but after her mom started to take things away - like no computer tonight then, no phone then, etc - she stopped for the most part.They must know that there will be some kind of loss for them to do this - at the same time, you want to tell her before you start doing this so you don't get the "I hate you's" which you may get anyway for sure. My sister did the same thing growing up. I never went through the get away from me mom thing like she did - we were always close so keep trying.

If she just won't - time to go to a family therapist then who can mediate this from a neutral perspective - it is a totally normal, healthy way to resolve these types of things - when you can' t take it anymore and she just refuses to listen.

So, I would tell her, look honey, this behavior is unacceptable and I really have been enabling you to act this way and from now on, when you act like this, I have no choice but to start giving you punishments when yuo do this. Tell her what is not tolerated. Tell her to talk to you and not argue - that this is part of becoming grown up and if she wants to be treated like one, than she has to act like one -she is not deserving of it now so I would give her fair warning of the new "system" and also make sure she helps around the house too. Make that something that she has to do to earn money instead of just giving it to her if that is also a problem.

I would also set aside one night, at least, a week where you two do something special like go shopping, get manicures, go on a little day trip - something so you can "bond" and stay close during this rough teenager time - cause it is rough. Just try to be patient but at the same time, you can't go insane - so it's time to show her that she can't act this way - if you do this, you can't do this. It is not ok. If you are mature and respect me and part of that is being open and talking to me, then you can. I mean you can't force her to talk but let her know that with life these days and all the pressures, etc you want to know that she will come to you with ANYTHING - you want to be close to her and let her know you miss how it used to be. Tell her that you understand she is changing and that she needs some space but that this is not the way to get that space - she needs to do it in a more healthy, positive way and not like this. Until she behaves like that, don't give in anymore. Don't get down or take what she says to heart -she doesn't mean it. Really have a big sit down talk with her - maybe while you take her out for lunch or something. (not at home cause she may just stomp away or get too distracted). This is the my mom isn't cool phase..haha but she still needs you and loves you - it is normal but that does not mean you have to accept, condone or deal with this behavior. If she won't have the first talk, well then she isn't allowed to do this, this, and that until she does. Talk about things - and tell her that there will be some consequences for her now - not just you and that all she has to do to not be "punished" is talk and respect you and in turn she will get respect and be able to do the things she wants to do if you approve. You are still her mom, but right now try to be a friend too - don't talk down to her, don't yell back, don't argue - you are the boss you know - so you don't need to take it. Be as casual about it as she is talking to you like that - oh what was that?? Ok sorry honey but now you can't do X. And if she has a fit, something else - I swear it isn't evil what I am saying to do - it is behavior modification and it works. Good luck :o) Keep smiling - your little girl will be back- one day soon and she is still in there under all that teenage stuff - just keep trying to find her.

Answer 2

You really do have a problem since she doesn't live with you.
The first thing to do is to explain in detail how things are going go from this minute on. You have to set the boundaries and she may not realize it, but she expects you to. Be kind yet firm.Tell her we can do things the easy way or the hard way. If she's cooperative, then things will go her way more often than not and if she isn't, then there will be SEVERE consequences (you have to punish her to the inth degree if you have to). Be consistance. Never give in to her again. Start taking away things that are important and just keep it up until she has absolutely no material possessions left, not to mention any freedoms like hanging out with friends, talking on the phone, using the computer, etc. If this fails, then your daughter needs therapy. They even have boot camps for kids now. Good luck. I had four step-daughters and I know what you are going through. My end result was wonderful. I have a warm, wonderful relationship with them now.

Answer 3

okay... do you not remember being that age??? i sure do and i am 30. I remember thinking my mother must had never been 12.
Be patient with her, teenage years are awkward times after all. Let her know you are there and you want to be a part of her life, and she will open to you when she is ready. There are so many decisions and choices that you can not make for her at this point and time in her life, most of these are going to be real hard for her. If she is giddy over a boy, bubbly for some reason, or even if she comes home crying, the last thing she is going to want is her mother playing twenty questions. Let her know you are there, but be sure not to smother her. Then when she needs someone to turn to, she will know that you are there.

Plus, if she lives with her dad in another state then it seems this is something you aren't going to have to deal with much.

Answer 4

This is absolutely tyical. She is just being disrespectful. And she is getting away with it because you let her. You have to discipline your daughter soon before it really gets out of hand.

Children will keep pushing boundaries further than they should if they can get away with it. She has to realise that its not right. And the only way you can do that is discipline.

My sisters daughter also had this problem. As long as she continued that bad beaviour, she would get no cooked meals until she apologised sincerely and she would have to do her own laundry. Sounds a tough ask. But at this age, very few teenagers can cook or manage to do their own laundry.

Whatever it is, there should be a consequence for every action that she takes. This can help through anything in life.

good luck

Answer 5

Sounds like she has started the terrible teens early!

You need to sit down try and talk it through with her even if she doesn't want to.

Ask how she would feel if you spoke to her the same way. Don't be afraid to punish her i.e ground her, hold back her allowance, no Internet or TV.

I found this works much better than smacking. Also show an interest in her friends see who she is spending time with. You might find she is being negatively influenced by a friend and you will need to limit her contact with that person.

It's tough been a parent there is no real rule book and all kids are different.

Good luck

Answer 6

sounds to me as "Dad" could have influenced her about you wrongly. I was pretty mouthy when I was a teen, but not until I was 15. When ever I had a bad day or when I felt like no one was there for me...that no one understood me. I didn't have a mom when I was growing up...I mean I had a step mom, but she really truly hated me, all the time she was either treating me like Cinderella or Hanzel and Gretal, she was always slave driving me or abusing me or try to get my dad to send me away...because I was a cramp...I wouldn't call her MOM..So my attitude changed. When I left home, when I was 15 (my dad finally listened to her and got rid of me) I felt unloved and unwanted. One of my sisters came and got me and took me to the town she lived in, which was 5 hours away from my dad. They treated me with love and understanding and I started to get self esteem again and loved school. Made more friends and started to enjoy life, because I wasn't being slave driving or abused. So that could be one thing...her dad could be too strict, or if he's with someone else, she could be a little harsh and your daughter might feel like she don't have a leg to stand on and no one to turn to. Just let your daughter know that you love her and you'll be there. Let her do some questioning...and let her come to you...let her know she has a friend in you...give her a reason to trust you. Because right now, she don't trust anyone....(MAYBE).

Answer 7

i have come to find that kids talk back and in such manners to their parents because they let them. they let them do it at any early age, and now that they are older, the parents can't handle it. what you need to do is lay down the law. tell her you are the mother, she is the daughter. you are the only one that will be using any kind of language in the house. since you pay the bills, put food on the table, clothes on her back, and give her not only what she wants but what she needs, not to mention the fact that you did bring her into this world, you can ask any and as many questions that you want to. and until she starts contributing she is to answer those questions when asked with no back talk, do as she is told, or she can go stay some place else. i know the last part is a little harsh, but the thought of you putting her out will shock her and she will straighten up.

Answer 8

I would totally refuse to put up with this! I had a teenager doing the same sort of thing and as her father and I weren't together I sent her to him for a while. That made her realize where she was better off. Don't put up with this emotional abuse. Don't buy any gifts and treat her nicely. She is behaving like a little ***** and needs taking down a peg or two. Leave her at her father's and let him deal with it. You can always phone her to say hi.

Answer 9

its normal for a teen to be disrespectful and mouthy, the main thing is to know that beating her is not going to work. I have three pre teens and they all have mouths. Show her how it feels when she acts like that. Meaning, do the same when she asks you something. "Why do you want so many things" or Just ignore her when she come to you with something she wants , like Mom can I go to the mall? Look at her and say I am sorry did you say something? Believe me it works , my kids hate it when I turn it around on them.

Answer 10

Tell her if, she can't straighten her act out that you have entertained the thought of sending her to an all girls boarding school ! This is a scare tactic although, leave some brochures around from some of them for her to find - that you can obtain from googling or ask.com ! If, she can't keep herself in check than perhalps someone else can help her with this problem GOOD LUCK ! Sounds like she may need a reality check ~

Answer 11

Give her the same answer when she asks you whats for dinner. 12 years is a little young for her to get into the rebellious teenage years. My 12 year old would never dare to talk to me like that but neither would my 18 year old. Also give her a consequence when it happens again and follow through on it. It seems like she is in contol and not you as the parent. It's time you took it back. And honestly, a smack would not hurt either. My kids know with me it would happen and afterwards I hand them the phone. Another choice is counceling.