What if I'm an abusive parent?

Question

Do you think I will have the potential to be the type of parent that will abuse her children? I'm scared that I will become an abusive parent.

I've been told that I work well with children. I do with other kids in a variety of areas, but it seems to be differnt with my own siblings. I'm afraid I will end up being the type of person that just hates her child, or even be physically and emotionally abusive. I have a younger half sister, who grew up with very permissive parents. I'm not allowed to discipline them, so when they kick me, lock me out of the house, tell me I'm stupid, steal my stuff etc., I just sit there and say, "Oh, please don't do that." I hate it. I scare myself, because sometimes I think, "What she really needs is some intense punishment. That would fix her behavior." I hate to admit it, but I am referring to physical punishment. Sometimes, I think of horrible things to say. I do not act upon these feelings, but I'm afraid that one day, I might with my own child.

I'm worried that when I become a mom, I will have this hatred towards my child. I'm scared that I will become an abusive parent because of how strongly I may hate my child. I find that I am similar to my mother in many ways, and she did not handle her anger well at all. My mother would do some pretty "crazy" things when she was angry, which included beatings, punching me, banging my head against the wall, scratching me, telling me to die, hair-pulling etc. etc. on a daily basis. In fact, my teacher in third grade actually reported her to the authorities because they suspected abuse. I see a lot of her in myself--the anger, the frustration, and the need to "show the child who is boss." It sickens me. I grew up so terribly afraid of her, and I don't understand why I have these feelings. Shouldn't my past actually do the opposite? Instead, I feel like I'm might be just like my mother.

I think I might have trouble bonding with child. I don't think I'm capable of loving someone as much as I should. I want to be a "Brady Bunch" kind of mom. I want my child to grow up emotionally healthy and love me, but I don't think I'm capable. What should I do?

Answer 1

Wow....how did you know about me?? It seems like you read a book about me!!! No, really, I was exactly like that and I had a mom like yours too. I used to worry about it...when my son was born...I loved him so much, it just was tooo impossible to be mad at him or hate him...he was just a wonderful guy...but I admit I did have some screamings with him...which I didn't mean. I made myself have time outs...and tell my son...mama needs time outs. Anyway...when I got pregnant again...I was soooo hoping for another boy. Because I was more afraid of having a girl ...as I didn't have a good relationship with my mother...and I wouldn't know how to be a girl's mother...I was afraid that I might be jealous of her or even try to compete with her...I can just go on and on....The best thing I did was I went to counseling...and we did alot of talking about that. How I was going to take care of things...and what I wanted to be for this baby if it was to be a girl. It was a long road too..I did it through out eight whole months. When I had the baby...I wanted to hear Boy...but Girl came out...and I was just like oh no...I did have a little hard time bonding with her. I noticed that I didn't have the same feelings of joy and happiness with her as I did with my son. It really scared me bad. I talked with my husband and my grandma about it...and they kept telling me that maybe I need to give it time. It took me a while (I really can't remember how long) to get to know my daughter. Now she is 12 and she is like the best friend I have. I look back...and I don't regret a moment of it...would I have another daughter?? NO...I wouldn't. But I didn't regret having HER. She was the special one that God blessed me with...he must have known what he was doing when we had Bekka. I tell ya though I did have harder times being patient, thorough, listening, helping her... than I ever did with my son. I was also afraid of favortism...as my mom played that on me and my sister. I made a vow that I wouldn't do that with my kids. I can honestly say that I don't have a favortism...but both of them are soooo different...so special in their way. There was something special about my son when he was born...he was my first born. The happiest time of my life. And there is something special about my girl...She is MY DAUGHTER...she is unique...and no one would ever have a daughter like her...so I feel so blessed in those two ways about my kids. Now about you...I would advice you to get some counseling...and really spit out all those feelings of fear and worry in therapy....don't hold anything back...not one thing!!! Trust me, especially when you have you first Child...there is something soooooo neat I can't explain.....you will feel the same...it is what you call a mom meeting her baby moment...in awe, in love, and relieved!!! That baby will grab your heart before you blink your eye!!!! It will be the most special moment in your life. And if it is a girl, then whisper in her ear...that you may not be the best mama...but you will be the mama she needs and that you will try reallly hard to be the better mama you can be than how your mama was for you. Anyone is capable of loving someone...and believe me you will love a little one. Being the brady bunch mom is soooooo NOT IN REALITY!!!! NO ONE will ever be that kind of mom...and if anyone tells you that...then you just better laugh at their face. There is no SUCH THING!!! Another good idea you might want to do is talk to your family doctor when you do become pregnant and share those feelings...you might be more susutible to having those nasty postpartum depression...they can maybe prescribe something to you mildly while you are carrying....and when the baby comes...then they can adjust your dose to keep you steady with your hormones...that is what causes your moods to go up and down. To this day....I still have my mother's rage..that I deal with every and each day. My family knows it...they have seen it...but my kids probably have seen it about 10 times in their lifetime that mama kind of went crazy!!! I always took my kids on the side...and just talk to them in letting them know that it isn't their fault...or that they are not capable of making mama that mad...it is mama's problem...and I need to work at it. I also let them know that I have meds to help me and that I have a great family to love every day...and a reminder of how blessed I am that they love me no matter what!! It is what you called unconditional love!!! By the way....the babies are born with it, the unconditional love...so don't worry about them loving you . NO ONE can never hate their mom NO MATTER how bad their mom is. I can't say my mother is worse than yours...but I can say that my mother is just impossible...I still love her regardless of her dysfuntionality!. Enought said...I don't want to write another Novel here...but many blessings to you...God will shine on you too!!

Answer 2

I dont know how to fix you. And honestly i dont think there is ever a quick fix.

Currently i know what you mean in my situation, i am the father of two, and their mother well lets just say was never a good mom or wife. Thankfully i have taken them out of a bad situation.

But i think you are on the right tracks. You know what you want and your afraid to be the person you hate. Those two things are powerfull. But every big decision you make, or small little ones, take the time to process and think about, think didnt my mom do this? and if she did, you should be sickened into doing the right thing. But i also dont think you have a currently healthy home, or a situation in which to grow into what you want, its more of the same old same old.

Currently my seperated wife, never calls her kids, when i ask if she wants to see them, her friends always come first. She misses them but she doesnt at the same time. She has also had a bad upbringing, i dont know the full story, but i do know that her mom wasn't a real mom. And she has alot of built up anger inside, that leaks into her life. And she makes inrrational decisions based up that.

But you have a step above and looks like you think about what your going to do instead of just doing it and regreting it later. That is a huge step up. It shows that you want to change and have the drive to change who you are and what you want to be.

At the same time dont be afraid to get real help. You dont need a weekly or daily schedule just something to help you out when you think you do. If you think weekly help is what is needed then take it. But dont try to surpress it, because the person that you think should have loved you the most in this life did exactly the opposite. Thats your normal, you have to change that slowly, wont happen over night. You have to be that person you want to be for them, and in seeing them happy, in turn will make you happy because you are bringing them something that your mom didnt and failed to do.

Answer 3

The government has ruined things for parents today. We are supposed to 'deal' with children...I was raised on the Bible, 'spare the rod and spoil the child'...and that is why there are so many bratty kids today...no, you have normal emotions and it is just too bad, because this child is being denied learning how to self discipline her/his self...when a kid can do anything they want and an adult has to stand by and be abused, that is horrible..and it does not teach the child right from wrong...I read a lot of comments by so many young kids wanting to kill themselves,. they're unhappy, etc..there is no guidance anymore, and I am sorry,..I got whipped maybe twice in my life, because I learned the first time I didn't like it and it was better to mind than be a brat..and it taught me self discipline ...sorry...don't be in that position again...I would not baby sit the kid again and make it clear why not. as long as YOU are going to have to be abused

Answer 4

you're thinking of the possibility of being an abusive parent is actually acknowledging the possibility that you might really get to be one.

Or maybe, you are toying with the idea of being an abusive parent in the future. At any rate, you've got plenty of time to contemplate on changing that tendency of yours to become one.

All of us have the tendency to be somehow "ruthless" towards others. That is what we call our "animal instincts."

But I tell you now the moment you see your own little bundle of joy, your own flesh and blood, it will entirely change your view of life, and this will surely deter the possibility of you becoming an "abusive parent."

Answer 5

It's good you are aware of the past and how it's affected you.
Before you have children you should get some counseling to work thru those feelings you are having.
Please get the book "Toxic Parents" by Dr. Susan Forward - it's a wonderful book.
You can choose to be a good mother - there is plenty of hope and light at the end of the tunnel. :)

Answer 6

people tend to think that it is a rule that you have to have kids, but you don't.

if you dont feel capable then wait until you know you are ready, if you ever are. i am personally making the decision to not have children because there are too many things going on in the world and basically, i dont like kids.

Answer 7

first off GOOD JOB for recognizing this may be something you could pass down from generation to generation,do some research,"was your mother abused?""was your mothers mother abused?"same goes for alcoholics.if this is the case then your computer can be your answer,look up www.childabuse.com having an uderstanding of why it was done to you will help you to stop the trait or "learned behavior"GOOD LUCK!

Answer 8

i think u have some problems emotionally..try letting go of the past and dont let your child see that you want to be the boss instead treat your child-to-be with love and respect, things you were'nt able to experience..and please dont ever try beating a child, it's horrible, i did that to my siblings when we were younger and they always remind me that whenever i have them get things for me or stuffs like, hey, do this, do that, i always felt embarrassed and kinda depressed..let your child see things as you werent able to see, let s/he feel that you dont want anything to cause her problem or pain..right now, try being acquainted to children with emotional problems and make them feel secured, that way you could possibly have the potential to be a parent..let your child to live his/her life with you, with your guidance, act as their loving and understanding parent not as a dictator..

Answer 9

well just always luv ur kids and always be nice BUT when they need diciplining ground them or spanking is the tipical punishment well thats all i gotta say