I might be an abusive parent...what to do?

Question

Do you think I will have the potential to be the type of parent that will abuse her children? I'm scared that I will become an abusive parent.

I've been told that I work well with children. I do with other kids in a variety of areas, but it seems to be differnt with my own siblings. I'm afraid I will end up being the type of person that just hates her child, or even be physically and emotionally abusive. I have a younger half sister, who grew up with very permissive parents. I'm not allowed to discipline them, so when they kick me, lock me out of the house, tell me I'm stupid, steal my stuff etc., I just sit there and say, "Oh, please don't do that." I hate it. I scare myself, because sometimes I think, "What she really needs is some intense punishment. That would fix her behavior." I hate to admit it, but I am referring to physical punishment. Sometimes, I think of horrible things to say. I do not act upon these feelings, but I'm afraid that one day, I might with my own child.

I'm worried that when I become a mom, I will have this hatred towards my child. I'm scared that I will become an abusive parent because of how strongly I may hate my child. I find that I am similar to my mother in many ways, and she did not handle her anger well at all. My mother would do some pretty "crazy" things when she was angry, which included beatings, punching me, banging my head against the wall, scratching me, telling me to die, hair-pulling etc. etc. on a daily basis. In fact, my teacher in third grade actually reported her to the authorities because they suspected abuse. I see a lot of her in myself--the anger, the frustration, and the need to "show the child who is boss." It sickens me. I grew up so terribly afraid of her, and I don't understand why I have these feelings. Shouldn't my past actually do the opposite? Instead, I feel like I'm might be just like my mother.

I think I might have trouble bonding with child. I don't think I'm capable of loving someone as much as I should. I want to be a "Brady Bunch" kind of mom. I want my child to grow up emotionally healthy and love me, but I don't think I'm capable. What should I do?

Answer 1

The fact that you are aware of the potential to become abusive is the very thing that will keep you from being abusive. You're aware that what your mother did to you is wrong. I have to say that a sibling is very different that your own child. If that sibling was not raised to be respectful of others and that she could get away with murder, I'd be tempted to spank the kid. There's nothing wrong with a spanking. I was spanked and I ended up perfectly fine. There's a difference between discipline and abuse. Discipline is spanking to eliminate a negative behavior, abuse is pointless, other than the enjoyment of hurting others. If you're on a good basis with your parents, explain the situation to them and ask for their help in dealing with your sister. If you approach the situation with maturity, they may actually see your point of view. If they are so hands-off that talking openly with them is out, take the disciplining into your own hands. If she kicks you, grab her foot and don't let go---maybe add tickling, for about 20 minutes. If she locks you out of the house, lock her in her room. Trap her in her bedroom and hold the door shut for 20-30 minutes. If she calls you a name, tell her that it takes one to know one (for torture effect, say it in a sing-song voice over and over and over and over and over again...say it as many times as you can or until she starts begging you to stop). I used to say "it takes one to know one" so many times to my sisters that it was annoying for them to call me names. When she steals, take something of hers and hide it in her room. I was a fan of under the mattress. You're not stealing, but you're teaching a lesson that it's not fun to lose your things. If she keeps it up, just let her know that there will be a consequence to her actions.

Answer 2

These are typical fears of a person whose own childhood was not the best. First off, about your half sisters, what you feel towards them is sibling anger. It is completely different from that you'll feel for a child. You manage to control your anger with them, and I'm sure you'll be able to do the same with a child. However, I would suggest at least some minor therapy. Talking to a therapist about these fears could lead to a release of the anger that is built up inside of you. It isn't healthy to have such negative emotions bottled up inside. You've taken the first step in admitting the fear and the possibility of it occurring in your own child rearing. The fact that you worry about it leads me to believe that you'll be aware of how you treat your child. Spankings and the like were common day not so long ago. I was raised knowing that if I did something bad enough I would be spanked with a belt. I was not an abused child. I don't plan on using a belt on my children, but a firm swat on the backside is a strong deterent for most children. Basically, your fears are justified, but your knowledge and admittance of the posibility that you may become an abusive parent shows that you are willing to change that before it happens. If you need to talk more, feel free to contact me.

Answer 3

It sounds like you need some counseling, for a couple of reasons. First of all, you were an abused child, and the trauma and fear that you felt as a child doesn't just go away. That trauma and fear is bound to affect you as an adult and as a parent some day. Many abused children become abusive with their own children, because the kind of childhood that they had is the only thing they know.Now, that doesn't mean you will be abusive, you could very well be different than most and be able to make much better choices than your mother did.The bottom line is, if you are having fears it is best to seek counseling to allow someone to help you deal with your past, so you can provide a loving healthy safe home for your own children someday. Taking that first step may be a life savor for your future child, so take care of you...

Answer 4

The fact that you recognize the signs says a lot about you. Most children who grew up in an abusive home do tend to carry out the same parenting techniques that they are used to. You do need counseling. Not because of the brats that you live with that do need their butts spanked, but for your own piece of mind. The quickest way to get that would be to tell your parents that you really would like to beat the crap out of your step-children. Don't actually do it... but if you tell them that you are having those feelings and they are that permissive, they will want to help you all out. And, coming from the background you did, they will really feel obligated. Actually, I am surprised you aren't in counseling now. I think that when you hold your baby in your arms the first time, you will have a bond. You just have no idea how strong that feeling is. But do get counseling. And even as an adult, stay in counselling. Let that be your outlet. I am sorry for what you had to go through in your young life. I commend you for realizing the feelings you are having, and I applaud you for not tying your siblings up and keeping them in a closet... lol. Sounds like you have your hands full. Just remember that it isn't their fault they are like that. Perhaps you could encourage them to sit with you and read a book or watch veggie tales on tv. Your parents should be more in control of them. I know that spankings are frowned upon by many people, however, if it's done responsibly and at the right times, there really isn't a need for them at all. My children probably get a spanking about 2 times a year. They know I am serious when I tell them something. Of course, we have other means of effective discipline, such as rewards and timeouts, but, I am not sure those would work if they didn't know without a shadow of a doubt that if they try me, I will act. God bless you. I hope all works out before you pull your hair out.

Answer 5

When you carry and give birth to a baby its a whole other story, it is sooo different when its your child also you will mold your baby to be a reflection of you I was abused as a child my mother would break my nose, crack my head I always had a temper and when I was old enough to leave I ended up with abusive men, UNTIL I became pregnant with my lil boy, for him and only him I left and started a new life, I dont hit him or abuse him maybe Im a bit of a sucker with him but I prefer it that way. Id rather give him to much than not give him enough seek some counseling.

Answer 6

My heart goes out to you. I think that a lot of your fears are based on the way your mom parented you. You are not your mom, and it sounds like you don't want to be that way. I think that all mothers have those kinds of fleeting thoughts. The important thing is to not act out on them. It sounds like your mom was burnt out and couldn't cope properly. The important thing is to get help if you need it, so you don't go to extremes when parenting. I have personally learned by experience that the way I parent my child directly affects the way he acts. The more calm but still firm and loving I am with him, the more he acts the same. If I'm having a bad day, and I'm yelling more or parenting more severely, such as time outs etc. He tends to act out more. The key is to be firm, loving and consistant and to remain CALM!!! even when you want to scream and pull your hair out inside. When I react harshly, so does he. I'm sure you'll be a great mom. The fact that you're even concerned shows that you will be on top of your parenting. God Bless

Answer 7

you may be suprised by what you feel when you have a child the fact that you are addressing the issues now is a good sign you may need some guidence to deal with your issues in regards to your mother I am the same and I did get help and now i am a much better parent learn things to control you temper like when you are getting to angry walk away and demand quite time away from everyone that way you can cool down and start to think rationally again.

Answer 8

According to your profile, you are a psychology student. So I'm sure you are aware of the statistics showing that abused children grow up to become abusive parents. And you have a valid concern, given your past, regarding your own children.

All psychologists must undergo therapy prior to entering practice. My advice is to wait on having children until you've had time to explore your feelings in therapy. You have a valid concern and should turn to a trained professional to address these issues and to help you be a good parent.

Answer 9

i guess that when people have babies they take chances. no one ever really knows what kind of parent they will be until they are one. i get scared sometimes too of the same things because i do not have a lot of patience. i know that there are parenting classes and stuff that i can go through to though before i become a mother to ensure that i will be a good one.

and space your kids apart so that you have time to see how well you can handle one before you take on the responsibility of two. if you wait to have kids and do things that way then you will have plenty of people to support you..in the best case scenario a husband!

Answer 10

I admire you for realizing this BEFORE you have kids. I would seek some counseling. Of course I wouldn't have any children in the near future. Sometimes we get a little more patience with age. A lot of times when we are abused as children, we abuse, I know it doesn't make sense but that is what happens. Good luck to you.

Answer 11

I think that you are reading to much into your feelings, other peoples kids can be a real pain in the ***. Usually with your own off spring your patience will be stronger. But of course there is never anything wrong with a light spanking on the buttocks, it teaches the child respect. I am confident that you will handle your own children with the upmost disipline that is expected of any parent raising children in todays world, Good luck and God Speed