Jokes anyone?

Question

You gotta joke? I need to laugh I had a rough day pleeeeeeeease somebody make me laugh!!!!

Answer 1

Life is full of emotions like laughing, smiling, crying, weeping, fear, hatred, jealousy and many more. Out of all these, laughing is loved and liked by all. That is why someone has rightly said, “ You laugh and the world will laugh with u, you weep and u shall weep alone.” Sometimes, life becomes monotonous and one starts getting bored. To remove such monotonousness and boredom, I feel that surfing on the following websites can be helpful in making one cheerful, refreshen up and gain some emotional or psychological energy too. Surf on them and see how helpful these are to u to bring a smile on ur face.
http://www.comedycentral.com/jokes/index.jhtml
http://www.ahajokes.com/
http://www.the-jokes.com/
http://www.lotsofjokes.com/
http://www.jokesgallery.com/
http://www.workjoke.com/projoke.htm
http://www.jokes2000.com/
http://yahooligans.yahoo.com/content/jokes/
http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/scijokes/
http://www.kidsjokes.co.uk/
http://www.ahajokes.com/yo_mama_jokes.html
http://www.allfunnypages.com/funny-jokes/yo-mama-jokes/funny-yo-mama-jokes.htm
http://www.africanjokes.com/africanjokes/?id_category=98
http://www.blonde-jokes.info/
http://www.zelo.com/blonde/index.asp

Please visit the above pages to find different variety of jokes. I hope, it helps u in making u laugh. Enjoy and have fun..

Answer 2

9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their *** to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna kick their asses!
5. When people say, while watching a film, "Did you see that?". No, Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya, Sunshine?
7. When something is "new and improved!"...Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, so it couldn't be new.
8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever experiences!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Dumb-***?

Answer 3

One nice, hot day two robins were perched in a tree. Looking down they spotted some freshly turned soil, with worms everywhere. One says to the other, "Let's go down there and have lunch." They then go to the ground and ate and ate and ate. Finally one says, "I'm so full I don't think I can fly up to the tree, so let's stay down here and bask in the sun." Later as the two robins were enjoying the sun, a tomcat jumped in and gobbled them up. Later, as the tomcat was cleaning himself, he says, "I love a nice, hot day and having some baskin' robins!"

Answer 4

A man & his friend, who was a giraffe, went into a bar. The giraffe got so drunk that as he and the man were leaving the bar, he passed out on the floor. The man, also drunk, had no desire to drag that huge giraffe home with him, so he abandoned his friend and started to leave the bar. Then the bartender yelled at him, "Hey! You can't just leave that lyin' there!" The man replied, "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe!"

bah dum bum!

:)

Answer 5

One summer I was walking out 2 the poolat the hotel where we were staying, dressed in my swimsuit. A guy sitting in a lounge chair asked, "Going swimming?" I said "No, i'm just a really shy streaker."

HERE'S UR SIGN!

My family was getting packed up while I was putting our skis on the top rack of the car. My neighbor saw me & asked, "Hey r u guys going skiing?" I said, "Nope, we put the skies on top of the car in case we flip over on an icy road

HERE'S UR SIGN

Answer 6

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.

As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. Are you the manager? she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

Actually, no, he replied.

Can you get him for me?

I need to speak to him, she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. I'm afraid I can't, breathed the bartender. Is there anything I can do?

Yes. I need for you to give him a message, she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

What should I tell him? the bartender managed to say.

Tell him, she whispered, There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.

Answer 7

A man walks into a psychiatrist office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says "I can clearly see your nuts"

Answer 8

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Answer 9

Tarzan -
Body: One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and,
during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex.
"What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said,
"Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do
it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her
legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick
in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp,
"Why the hell did you do that?"

"Tarzan check for bees!"

Answer 10

what did the fish say when it swam into the wall?
- "dam"

two peanuts are walking down an ally, one was a-salted.

what did the cookie say when it went to the doctor?
- "i feel crumby"

those are so corny but they managed to get a chuckle out of me. :)