My bf and I have been dating for 6 yrs...recently I told him I would like to get married ( I have only brought marriage up once before this time)...he says he is not ready because he isn't financially settled and probably won't be ready to even think about marriage for another 3-4 yrs. I understood his reasoning and decided to give him time...
Well lately, anytime some says the word wedding, engagement, marriage or if a tv show has a married couple on it...he says..."Man, that's when it starts heading downhill." or "Once you get married it's all downhill"...I understand its a joke and I told him he can take all the time he wants ... but not to be suprised if my parents marry me off to someone else (in my culture we have arranged marriages) ...
well today he said that quote again in a joking manner...but then said "Man your the one in the rush for it...I don't see anyone else running to the altar..." What the hell does this mean? Is he kidding around or was he serious?
2006-08-19 15:48:51 · 38 answers · asked by Strawberry 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Does this mean he never wants to get married? If so then why does he keep saying that he know he wants to marry me and that "we'd get stuck together in the end anyway."
2006-08-19 15:49:54 · update #1
He is 28 and I am 25
2006-08-19 15:57:48 · update #2
Anytime I want to talk about marriage he says something so he doesn't have to talk about it....like "come on you know I am not ready..I will let u know k" or "why r u in such a rush?" or "what's the rush anyway?"
2006-08-19 16:00:55 · update #3
Do you really believe that after six years of life without commitments he's going to want to marry you? Of course not! That's why these sorts of arrangements rarely work.
As long as you're never going to have any demands on him, hill stay around like the dog who knows where dinner will be served. But he'll never be there for you. He'll never be reliable, and never be committed. A husband is supposed to take care of your needs, both physical and emotional.
If marriage is what you want, dump that idiot and find someone who is decisive. Find a man, not a boy. It's not cruel to make reasonable demands, as long as you're willing to meet a few of his demands. There's supposed to be give and take in a relationship.
A relationship without conflict is not neccessarily a successful one. It just means you've avoided every topic that causes conflict. It's time to stand up and make demands.
2006-08-19 15:59:26 · answer #1 · answered by Privratnik 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It just seems like he's scared to make that commitment. My last boyfriend was the exact same way. He would always say he would never get married, would embarrass me in front of family when they asked when we would get married by saying "I'm never getting married!" and so on. I had always felt uncomfortable bringing the topic up, so it was maybe discussed for about 1 minute during our 3 year relationship. Most men go through the fear of committing to someone as they don't want to marry the wrong person. Although you've been together so long and it's almost as if you are already married, he just probably feels that he's not certain you're the right person. There is nothing you can do that will make him realize that you're right for him, he just needs to realize it on his own. He is coming up with excuses for not proposing to you, and he may just feel like he's settling for you. I do think he was serious to a point, but I also feel that he's kidding. If you do love him and want to be with him, it's time to have a long, serious, and meaningful talk about the possibility since he may feel that you are pressuring him if you really don't talk about it often. If he understands where you're coming from, then maybe it'll make his decision much easier.
2006-08-19 16:00:58 · answer #2 · answered by Rexy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First off, financial security is not what makes a marriage. You can have financial security and along with that comes problems. You can be middle or low class and still, there are going to be problems. It's how you handle the situation(s). Most of the time, money is the root of all evil. You are right in perceiving that he is not ready to get married as the signs are already there. Why is there a need to wait an additional 3-4 years?? Sounds to me like he is just trying to pacify you when in all truth, he has no intention of marrying you.
If two people are in love then natually, you will want to take it to the next level to solidify your relationship. Your bf is not correct when he says that marriage will lead to going downhill as that is just an excuse he is pulling out from nowhere. Honestly, I don't think he is joking when he is making these comments to you. It sounds more or less like he is trying to drop you some hints that he is not marriage material. You have already invested 6 years into the relationship, why invest more time for you to get hurt? You deserve much better than that.
You bf is wrong in assuming that people don't run to the altar. My husband and I got married 6 months after meeting and we have a very successful marriage. All marriages have their ups and downs and that's a part of marriage. Every marriage will have money problems no matter how much money is in the bank account.
Honestly, you need to decide if you are willing to invest more time in a relationship when only one of you wants to take it to the next level. I don't think your bf was kidding around by his comments, I truly believe he is serious. You need to really set some time aside for yourself and think long and hard if this is the man you are willing to spend the rest of your life with when by the same token, he is clueless when it comes to making a decison whether or not to take it to the next level. Are you willing to wait another 3-4 years for him to make up his mind? I can understand if you all have only been together for a year or maybe 2 years but come on, you guys have been together for 6 years and he has had plenty of time to ponder over he wants you to be his bride.
You have given him enough time. Don't be surprised if your parents "do" marry you off to someone else. I'm sure your parents would love to see you married and for you to produce some offspring. When one door closes, another door opens...it's up to you to walk through that door.
Good luck to you sweetie and feel free to email me anytime.
Blessings :)
2006-08-19 16:13:18 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
What is it that you are not getting here? This guy in NOT.....I repeat, NOT....going to marry you! You have been with him for 6 years and are not even close. I say that you just tell him that you are both going in different directions and you would like to settle down, get married and have kids. If you wait for him 3-4 years and still no wedding....well, then you can chalk up wasting 10 years of your life! I know that I would definitely leave the relationship and start thinking about what I want from life. But, the reason may be the culture difference and does not want to go there. Perhaps someone from your own culture is better suited for you.
2006-08-19 15:57:50 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, arrange marriages are archaic. They shouldn't be happening today. Second, six years is kind of a long time to be with someone without thinking about marriage. Anyway, marriage is a big step that some people are not willing to take. The biggest question for me it would be how important is it for you? In the same way, if it isn't as important to him as it is to you, maybe it's time to break it off. Lay your cards on the table for him to see. Also there is such a thing as living together forever without marriage if you both love each other enough and are willing to do so. The commitment to one another is the same.
2006-08-19 15:59:25 · answer #5 · answered by lilreveuse 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm not trying to be mean or rude but it sounds to me like he's either scared of the idea of marriage or scared to get back out into the 'deep blue sea'. I've also been with someone for 6 years. We've lived together for 5 and a half and have 2 kids together. I love him with all my heart and hope we're together forever. I am also scared to death to marry him. I know most people don't understand but in some way I feel that marriage gives up a part of you. Already, I feel as though my man has control over most of what I do and to marry him would be like giving him permission to keep that control over me. I know it's kinda crazy but I guess I have trust or control issues. I can't get over this fear. I've never told my man about this any time he brings up marriage I tell him jokingly 'one day' He's never guessed that unless he really pushes me we never will get married.
2006-08-19 16:09:35 · answer #6 · answered by arl21amber 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
hi. well first of all u have put up the point " IF I GET MARRIED" .. well use it again n again u just told him once so he propably took it lightly. Bring him to a situation where he would Listen to U seriously. and then make ur point..about marriage..
every parents wants wats best for their children. So IF he has c n ur parents he might have drawn an outline about their nature.So based on that he wants to set a target.May be FInancially. Over all i personally believe that even after marriage life can go on. Its a different life all together.. where u knw u r his. and he is yours and having that in mind usually people tend to perform better in their work and other activities that they do after marriage. REsearch was conducted at the university of "CAMEBRIDGE" cali
2006-08-19 16:06:17 · answer #7 · answered by nitin_saldana 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is not about to get married, at least not anytime soon, and why would he? He got you around since 6 years and it worked well for him that way, so why get married? It sounds rough, but basically that's what it is. He got it made in the relationship with you and therefore does not want to give that up, not by leaving you, nor by barrying you---so it could be that you have to make a serious decision which won't be easy. Try to be objective: what does your boyfriend do for you that you cannot do for yourself?
How much do you and he have in common?
Once you can answer those questions truthfully you will be able to make a good decision for y our situation--and good luck
2006-08-19 16:00:40 · answer #8 · answered by MARIANNE G 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like you man is scared! 6 years? and he is still trying to get financially stable? What is going on? I don't want to make assumptions because I don't know you but I think that maybe letting your parents marry you off might be best! LOL
He's scared of everything! He's probably scared of commitment, the stress that comes along with marriage (supporting you and whatever other bills come with you), maybe kids some day! This scares the hell out of some men!
Don't take it to heart! He loves you! He is just being a butthead!
2006-08-19 15:58:38 · answer #9 · answered by Dana J 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think the only one who can tell you what this all means is him...you need to have this discussion with him rather than the people on here.
However, if you want my opinion, he's giving you strong messages that he's not ready to commit and that he believes the quality of the relationship will suffer if the marriage commitment is made. This last comment makes me think you need to explore where he gets this idea from.
If that's how he really feals and you feel you want a marriage, its time to move on, because you two are not like-minded enough on this basic issue.
2006-08-19 15:55:38 · answer #10 · answered by William E 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋