disagreement with husband over punishment?

Question

My 14yr old step daughter went to stay at her mother's place last weekend. I found out that she told her mother she was staying at a friends house and went to a party instead. She was drinking and walking the streets, ended up staying at a guys house and sleeping in his bed. She insists that nothing happened. My husband spoke with her mother about it and she told him that she did it because was depressed and sad, she came home crying and he felt really sorry for her. Neither parent did anything except say a few words o her, I have no idea what they actually said to her, but i felt completely left out of the decision. I felt that she should have been punished in some way. My husband seemed to 'excuse' it by saying..."she never grew up with a father". I think what she did was deplorable and if it had been 'my' daughter I'm sure my husband would have insisted on a punishment of some kind. I feel as though i have no right to intervene, she lives with us. Should i mind my business?

Answer 1

Sorry but I seriously think your husband gave you the right to intervene when he married you and made you part of the family. The children will never respect your opinions if your husband doesnt. Tell your husband he needs to decide.... are you a family or not...

Answer 2

Disagreement with husband over punishment?

Answer 3

To an extent. As his new partner, your husband should be interested in what you have to say and look at things from your perspective. But ultimately, he (and his first wife) need to mete out any punishment here. If you step in as the Stepmom and insist on punishment, you'll only look like the "outsider" or bad guy in this situation.

It is an unfortunate circumstance of divorce that a spouse will often feel guilty for not being in their child's life, and therefore will not be desirous to punish....as your husband has clearly rationalized here, that your stepdaughter deserves a break because dad wasn't around. Well, he's that dad! But if he uses this as an excuse to let her do whatever, it's only going to end up in misery for all concerned, including you.

I hate this for you, really. You sound like the only adult looking realistically at this girl's life, and you'll always be on the outside looking in in this situation.

The only thing I can say is to try to build your relationship to the best level you can with her so that the next time this happens, she will see you as a valid parental figure, in case you continue to be the only adult with any backbone here and you have to step in and at least teach her the right and best choices.

Answer 4

This creates a difficult situation, that must be handled with 'kid gloves'.
The daughters actions were unacceptable.
Your husband needs to know how you feel about this, and the only way he will know is if you tell him. Best way straightforward conversation. TALK ABOUT IT. No argueing, only conversation. You might find that he simply has no idea how to handle this and therefore did nothing. (Which is not good to do, as it 'tells' the {step}daughter that this can be gotten away with).

Some type of punishment needs to happen, and it needs to swift, it needs to be fair, and above all it needs to be done in a way that the daughter will understand the purpose of the punishment.

And she is your stepdaughter - in every legal way she is 'your daughter', so that makes this your business.

Good luck with this, remember no argueing only conversation with your husband.

Answer 5

In this situation being she is not your daughter, I guess you dont have much say. I do agree though there should have been some sort of punishment. This kind of behavior without consequences is the same as saying its ok. Your husband will end up a grandfather by the time she is 16. Nothing may have happened this time but waht about the next time?

Answer 6

The whole thing is a horrible, hideous mess, including your marriage and entire situation. Of course, there should have been some serious punishment, including "the guy" depending on how old he is, or possibly his parents for negligence if it occurred in their house.

Why are you married to this divorced man and are a sort of third wheel? There's probably some multiple adulteries going on here on his part, his wife's part and your part, depending upon the circmstances of why he got divorced, ect. This is screwed up big time. I think you all need psychiatric help.

How could that girl POSSIBLY lead a normal life?

Answer 7

Since you asked, I'm assuming you want an honest answer. Yes, you should stay out of it, *per se*. Recognize that she's their daughter and their responsibility.

Now. If I were in your shoes, I'd feel just as outraged/concerned as you appear to be. I'd take my husband aside and try to express to him that *because* "she never grew up with a father" means she probably desperately needs limits set for her and that allowing her to think this behavior is okay is BS. There's this thing called tough love (not talking about the corporation, just the general concept here). I know a girl who spent her teen years with little self-worth because her dad was overseas and her mom was too caught up in going to school and her own hypochondria and this girl pushed the line further and further until she was completely reckless. Thank god she didn't end up on crack or murdered or knocked up. She *only* ended up raped, which she survived.

Thankfully she moved in with an older sister, got her life together, went to school, and is now married to a great guy and has two beautiful kids.

I'd hate for your stepdaughter to go through all that, or worse. Your husband doesn't understand that by being kind he's really being cruel and that he needs to put some fear of consequences into that child before she ends up hurt or does something to really screw up her life.

I'd preface the conversation with something along the lines of "I know she's your daughter, but I love her, too, and really need for you to listen to me because I *AM* a woman and I've been in her shoes..."

The reason you're outraged is that you care about her being raised right because you want what's best for her. Any mother (step or otherwise) would.

If it's a matter of his not having the chutzpah to stand up to his ex, he needs to grow some cojones and do right by his child and the ex needs to support him in whatever discipline he doles out.

Answer 8

From someone who has been there, if she lives with you, then put your foot down. If she doesn't live with you, stay out of it. A stepmom very rarely wins. If she lives with you, then it needs to be stopped NOW, otherwise your husband will end up a grandfather at an early age, and he will regret not punishing her at that point. At 14, a talking to is not going to work, as they all have their minds made up regardless. Actions really do speak louder than words.

Answer 9

I would take hubby aside and tell him you are very concerned over his daughter. Afterall if she is soooo depressed she had to concoct such a detailed lie to achieve what she wanted she must be very much in need of some professional help.... and as depression is a very real illness it is essential that she get some medical help.... after all if she had kidney disease her parents would want her to see a renal specialist... so since she has an illness of the mind she needs to see a psychiatrist...

Once you have him onside and have him all geared to take her to psychiatrist you an smile ever so sweetly at the young lass and tell her it is good her parents lover ever so much they are going to get her some much needed help...

Then add that it is such a shame she is mentally unwell as from now on no one will ever know whether to believe her or not.... It is such a shame it wasn't just some normal teenage rebellion that led to her lying to her parents and going out partying...

If afterall she was just being a rebellious lying teenage girl she would be normal... and could work things out to rebuild the trust her parents have in her....

See how that goes...

Play the girl at her own game..

Answer 10

If she is living under your roof and you are providing for her like she is your own daughter, than yes you have a right to decide a punishment or at least have some type of say so. My husband has those type of decisions when it comes to my oldest daughter (which is not his own daughter), he had been in her life as her father since she was three years old. Remember she is your business, because whatever happens with her affects your household.

Answer 11

YES!! I totally agree with you!! She should have been punished but if she was able to fool those two idots then that's on them. I know you probably care about her and don't want to see anything happen to her but you will only make problems for yourself if you step in I would just warn my husband to watch a little more carefully. Then again on the flip side if she is an okay kid she just might have learned her lesson.