Does anyone know a good joke?

Question

It needs to be appropiate for school, no sex,dugs,gang members. etc. And if it's short that's good.

Answer 1

I don't have anything against blondes just so you know.

Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Answer 2

Man goes into a doctors office as says "Doctor it hurts when I do that". Doctor says "Don't do that".

Man goes to another doctor. The doctor says, "Sir you have two weeks to live". Man says to the doctor I cant pay you, Doctor gave him another two weeks.

Man goes to another doctor. The doctor says, "Sir you have Kirkoffs syndrome". Man says "I want a second opinion". Doctor says, "OK your ugly too".

My wife is a bad cook, ooohh is she a really bad cook. I don't care what you say; meat loaf is not supposed to glow in the dark

My mother-in-law is ugly, ooohh is she ugly. She's so ugly that when you look up the work ugly in the dictionary, it has her picture.

Answer 3

A Horse goes into a Psychiatrists Office. The Doctor says, "Hey, Why the long face?"

Answer 4

Customer: "Waiter, what's your thumb doing on my steak?"
Waiter: "Keeping it from falling on the floor again, sir."

Sailor with a pelican on his head visits a psychiatrist. Doctor says, "Come in, sit down. Now tell me, how did this all begin?" "Well Doc," says the pelican, "it started out as a wart on my fanny!"

Willie found some dynamite;
Didn't understand it, quite.
Curiosity never pays:
It rained Willie seven days!

Answer 5

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself 'She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Answer 6

a lady has a pet duck that she has been feeding for years outside her home...sadly, the duck passed away one morning, but the lady did not want to believe her duck was not alive anymore....so she brought the duck to her vet...she said to the vet "something is wrong with my duck. he is not breathing, can you please do something"...the doctor looks at the duck and says "i'm sorry ma'am, but your duck is dead"....the lady then replied "are you sure there is nothing you can do to make sure? i can not believe this"....so the doctor says "ok" and whistles...in walks a labrodeur retriever...the dog walks around the room, puts his front paws up on the bed the duck was laying on, sniffs the duck, then walks out. the doctor looked at the lady and said "see ma'am, im sorry"...still in disbelief the lady says, "are u sure there is nothing else"...the doctor said "alright" and rang a bell...in walked a cat...the cat jumps up on the table and sniffs the duck..and walks out of hte room...the doctor said "see ma'am, once again, i am sorry, but your duck is not alive" ...finally coping with reality, the lady asks the doctor how much she owes him and the doctor replies "$1200"...the lady says "I owe you $1200 for you to tell me my duck is dead? That is insane"...the doctor looks at the lady and says "Well it would have ony been $20, but since you wanted the lab work and the cat scan, its $1200"

Answer 7

A skeleton goez to a bar and orderz a drink and a mop...

Answer 8

where is the rest of ya name? ...lol jus kiddin...i kno a visual joke...hol on a min

1. take you right arm and raise it all the way up with you wrist bent like you jus shout a basketball

2. now bend your elbow so that your wrist is touchin your chest

3. then try biting you right ear while hittin your chest with the bent wrist...

if you dont get it nevermind