My husband left me & our son, who is now almost 6 years old. My husband was my son's hero, & they had a close relationship. It's been almost a year since he's been gone & my son still takes it so personally & has a hard time with it. Even though I don't even know all the answers myself, I've tried to explain to him that he has done nothing wrong, & even if moms & dad don't stay together, we will always be his mom & dad & both love him very much - but then he asks 'Then why doesn't daddy come to see ME?" And I can't answer that. I know his dad loved him, and I don't understand if his problem was with me, why he would not maintain a relationship with his son. When we used to have a number for him (since disconnected), my son would cry & leave messages on it, but his dad wouldn't call him back. How can any parent live with themselves who does this? He had previously told my son that he left so that me & my son could be happy. Does he think we are better off without him?
2006-08-19 13:17:52 · 52 answers · asked by eliziam 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
In answer to one of the responses/questions below, yes he was physically & emotionally abusive to me. Not to my son - he actually had very good parenting skills with him, but there were times that my son saw the abuse towards me & he remembers it & asks about it. I do believe his dad has a mental illness, as it runs in his family. And he also had a tumultuous childhood. No, he has no contact with his family or any of our previously mutual friends, not even his former best friend.
2006-08-19 13:31:26 · update #1
He is a selfish bastard, I'm sorry. You are doing the right thing in what you've told you son. Listen, don't bad mouth Dad. Your son will one-day figure it out for himself. I'm sorry, be strong for your son.
2006-08-19 13:22:13 · answer #1 · answered by 'Barn 6 · 5⤊ 0⤋
I understand the confusion you are going through... my ex-husband pretty much chose not to have anything to do with our daughter. She was 4 months old at the time I left him (he is a severe alcholic, and I was afraid for both of us). He saw her off and on for about a year after I left. I was trying to make sure that my daughter had a daddy, and thought that if I made sure they stayed in contact that that would help him get his act together for her sake (how naive of me). After she was about a year and a half, he saw her maybe once every couple of months. Since she was 3 1/2, we haven't seen him at all. I got remarried when she was that age, and for the last 4 years we have become a very happy family with my new husband, and added another child to our family. My oldest daughter barely remembers her biological dad, and has called my husband Daddy for the last 4 years. My ex never contributed money to our daughter (even though he was court-ordered in the divorce) and hasn't seen her in 4 years. I don't know how a person could just write off their own child as if they never existed, but it did end up working out better for my daughter and I to have this new guy come into our lives. I say, things happen for a reason, even if you don't know what it is right now. Some people leave because they do think that you are better off without them... others because they can't deal with growing up and taking responsibility... others because they can't deal with their own demons. It is so hard to see that look on your child's face when you can't answer a question about the other person's intentions. All you can say is, "I don't know the answer to that." But, try to look on the bright side and think; something good is coming. Good luck!
2006-08-19 19:16:21 · answer #2 · answered by dolphin mama 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It is a very hard situation you've been place into. I have been there myself. When my youngest son was 11 my ex took off and moved to another state, leaving behind his 2 sons and his 2 step sons (one of his stepsons was only 3 when we got married and his father had never been a part of his life, so my ex was the only father he had ever known). He had also gotten my 11 year old into drugs (I didn't know until my son tried to commit suicide at age 13). We didn't hear from my ex for almost 7 years, my son is now 23, he has been clean and sober for 10 years and about 4 years ago his father moved back and has been trying to reclaim a relationship with my son. The best advice I can give you is this; do not lie to your son about your ex's leaving, tell him the truth, that his father has problems, and that those problems have nothing to do with him. Get your son into counseling now, do not wait until there is a problem. He needs to express his anger and disappointment in his father, he won't do this without help. I wish I had gotten my son into counseling sooner, he still carries a lot of anger around with him, and even though he is doing very well in his life, he still has major problems dealing with his feelings about anything, so watch him closely and get him help. Good luck to you!!
2006-08-24 08:27:30 · answer #3 · answered by Mary D 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Perhaps your husband, I'm guessing soon to be ex, has a mental illness, or is suffering from some sort of midlife crisis. I know I have many days where I even wonder if I should face the world or if everyone is better off without me. Is he close to his family or with a friend? Maybe try getting ahold of them and finding out what is going on. Meanwhile You should definitely consider getting family counseling for yourself and your son. Having a parent leave is an incredibly traumatic experience for young children and should be handled very delicately.
2006-08-19 13:24:17 · answer #4 · answered by maes_quest 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like to me your a great mom and that your former husband has major problems. What i would is take your son and move and start all over again somewhere new not only for your son but for you! It might help you and your son to get over the past and start a new future just for the fact you need to let your son you love him and that his Dad didnt leave because of him it was because of other things. Try to find your husband so your son can atleast talk to him! I hope this helps you in whatever comes of your life! And remember its all in Gods plans for you and your sonand your ex-husband! You are in my prayers!
2006-08-26 14:14:09 · answer #5 · answered by catiebugg11 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
wow, I am so sorry to hear that. How can a man just get up and leave? Good question and you will pro bally never find the answers. My husband of 10 years Left me also he reason makes no sense . Seven months later we got back together. It is really hard for the children and its like they don't even think about that. My children were very hurt also and you know what I would tell them ? I would say I don't know why your father left I know he still loves you but we just cant be together right now, but I am here for you and I will never leave you, lets work on us and if daddy wants to come back this door is open for him but we can not make that choice for him just know tha if he does come back we are here. My heart goes out to you because not only is it painful for your son I know it is very painful for you, love your child to the fullest . Do not think about the whys think about how you are gonna pull through this for that precious little boy. he is worth every tear . you will pull through this and always remember prayer really does help. take care and may God bless you
2006-08-19 13:31:05 · answer #6 · answered by Robyn D 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Listen to "kerangoumar" on Page One.
That is the best advice I have EVER heard from anyone at anytime about this subject. ..She nailed my situation and that took place 15 years ago. Trust me...she is 100% correct.
I know what it is to watch a son bleed for his father. I have experienced it. The suffering and pain is truly heartbreaking. Stay close to him, teach him all you can, and like a "little man of the house" be good to his friends and get him into a sport or something if possible, the library and shop at the Good Will...it is fun to a six year old...like a big garage sale.. . I wish you both sunshine...and many hugs.
2006-08-26 15:08:56 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Seems as if your husband knew he had problems beating on you and wanted to stop and he chose to do it this way. Bad idea. And if your son saw this abuse, that is emotional abuse for him. So he was abused in a sense. He is going through bad times now. Think of counseling for the both of you. It may help your son. As for your husband, only a coward would beat and leave his family. He need to get help for himself and he owes the both of you an apology. Neither one of you deserved this. And if you ever see this man, forgive him if you can and never look back for a relationship with him. Forgive him so you can move on with your life if you have not done so. And never allow anyone else to abuse you and never allow anyone to disrespect you. Your son has seen enough of that and you do not deserve that type of treatment.
2006-08-25 15:43:42 · answer #8 · answered by M&M 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
As bad as it is on your son I hate to say that mabybe his dad is looking out for his best intrest by staying gone. If he is abusive maybe he is afraid he may hurt the child one day or go to far with you.I may unless he got some help I would keep both of you away from him. Just be the best parent you can be and your son will be ok. ya its sad not to have a dad but do you want him to grow up and be an abuser because that what he has seen?
2006-08-26 17:15:08 · answer #9 · answered by S 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I am so sorry to hear your situation is so bad ! I feel very sorry for your son ~ that ain't right ! your X is a dirtbag and you both really need to move forward ~ easier said than done although, time is the greatest healer and one day ( dirtbag ) may try to make contact ! The damage is done and your son eventually will grow and one day wish to seek him out ! Don't worry about that cause , the truth will eventually be known and your son may dispise his lack of thoughtfulness ! Good Luck and I truely hope you both can move on with peace of mind and wonderful days ahead ! Very Sincerely, Jo Jo
2006-08-27 10:52:30 · answer #10 · answered by Jo Jo Gunn 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You want to know how people can leave their families.
Sometimes they are selfish, immature, or no longer know who they are or what they want; instead of trying to speak openly about these feelings with anyone - their spouse, their parent, their priest or their shrink - they let these feelings fester until they literally run away from what they consider to be the problem.
Sometimes they become confused about some aspect of themselves or their relationship, and feel - as before - that the best course is to cut and run.
Sometimes they become aware of aspects of their own characters that are labelled as negatives by society, and they don't want anyone to know - who is going to suspect if it isn't their spouse? (Case in point, tho it happens rarely: husband discovers that he has unresolved gender identity issues. More commonly: husband discovers or comes to acknowledge what he has known for some time - that he is gay. These days, it is a far more common situation than one would have thought.)
Sometimes, they are, or become, mentally ill, emotionally unhinged or psychologically screwy; perhaps they have thoughts of doing violence to a family member and take what they deem the safest route out: they leave and - often - disappear.
I think a clue to your husband's turmoil lies in the second-last sentence "he...left so that me & my son could be happy". That sounds like someone who has a deeply negative self-image.
Unfortunately I cannot give you any real answers. The reasons I gave above are some of the reasons I have had actual experience with, in supporting my friends.
The most important thing for you to do is to take care of yourself and your son. You are still confused and bitter and nowhere near a proper resolution of this limbo. What you need to do, for your own well-being, is:
1) Get proper counselling for yourself, to enable you to put it in perspective and move on. Since you no longer even have a phone number for him it is unlikely that he will want to get back together with you.
2) Find a positive, strongly engaging activity for your son in which he is around other children and involved in something that takes his mind off his situation. If that includes other single-parent families he will see that he is not unique in his situation.
3) Perhaps it will be better if you move to another house or neighbourhood, if not another city, so that you are not caught in a place where everything reminds you of him, of your times together etc.
4) If your financial situation requires it, sue him for child support. Unfortunately I don't know where you live or what the laws are in your jurisdiction; also, if you have no idea as to his whereabouts you may end up having to pay a lot in order to find, and then sue, him.
You ask how a parent can live with himself after ditching his family. You may never know the answer, as far as your husband is concerned. So it is better to put time and space between you and your old situation. You will be the stronger for it, even though right now you might be consumed with anger, doubt, guilt and despair.
You are a young woman; keep in mind that you will be happy again.
And let me leave you with another of my Mother's parting shots (change the wallpaper being the first):
TIME WOUNDS ALL HEELS.
Best of luck to you.
2006-08-19 13:22:42 · answer #11 · answered by kerangoumar 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋