I'm so SCARED!!! Should I leave him?

Question

My husband of almost 8 years and I haven't had intercourse in our entire marriage. I feel like he hasn't tried enough to fix the problem (or even figure out what it really is). We've seen counselors and I've done therapy by myself. He's taken pills (although he won't usually tell me when he's taken them) and seen a couple doctors. But MONTHS go by without even an attempt or I"ll ask, "When can we try?" And he'll say, "Soon" or "I don't know."

What woman has to beg for sex? I'm pretty and get asked out a lot. Now I've seen a lawyer to begin divorce proceedings, but I'm so scared it may not be the right thing to do. I have no reason to think hubby will change. What to do?

I'm very afraid for him. He seems sad and hurt - as am I. He says he'll never be able to see me again after divorcing, it'll be too much. And he says he'll never open up to anyone else like he did me, and that this is a sentence for him. A death sentence? Jail sentence? I dunno. Is he trying to guilt me, maybe?

I love him but I'm not in love.

Answer 1

Divorce him NOW...
Enough is enough..
Don't waste any more of your life on him...

Answer 2

Honey, you're LONG overdue - continue your proceedings with the divorce. If after eight years, this is still going on, I see no reason why he's ever gonna change (he WON'T change!!!) This problem should have been taken c/o w/i the first year of your marriage.

I'm very sorry for you. There IS life out there - don't let it pass you by.

And if for some reason he decided to "try to make the marriage work" after he's served with papers, you tell him what I told my ex when he was served (after an abusive marriage) . . . "It's too late! I've begged you all these years to get help and if it took a lawyer to get you to see that, then goodbye!" Do not fall into his empty promises b/c that's all they will be (I guarantee it!).

Once he realizes what he's lost, it's too bad, so sad for him. You're WAY too good for him, in fact a Saint, to have stood by him this long! I would also say, that if he REALLY loved you, he would have done everything he could have to solve your problems "together", he way a relationship SHOULD be! It sounds like you did your part (and more) to salvage a loveless marraige!

Good luck, sweetie! Write and tell me how you're doing! I care!

Answer 3

how in EARTH have you managed NOT to have sex for 8 yrs... hmmm or have you?

You have 2 options: 1) Stay married & cheat on him (this is only if the guy is great in all other aspects of partnership & you prefer this than option 2) Divorce the guy & if you haven't been faithfull to him, find someone new, a better, more COMPLETE realtionship... if you HAVE been faithfull, divorce him & PLEASE GET LAID!

PLUS: i dont understand the guy- but its pretty impressive that after 8 yrs you have absolutely NO IDEA why he hasnt f%*^^&d u. Either you get to the bottom of this NOW (i think youve waited too much)- or divorce him. There may be love- but with NO COMMUNICATION it's like loving a stranger. do you really know him? can you attest that he is not gay, that he hasnt cheated on you. On the other hand if he does have a sexual problem AKA impotence- not only with you, but with anybody else, then that's another thing. you deal with that with tact & love- but still, you seem not to know what is happening. FIND OUT.

Answer 4

I seems to me that you are uncertain that you have exhausted all your options before resulting to divorce. Has your husband lost all apparent interest in touching you, or is it just intercourse? One of the possibilities is that you husband is suffering from clinical depression. Has he had a thorough physical? Has he had a neurological work up? Has he seen a urologist regarding his difficulties? Has he been evaluated for mental illness?

If you haven't, talk with him about having a thorough physical and evaluation. I hope that things work out for you, but in the end, only you can decide if the relationship is tolerable. It should be at least some consolation to you that if you do decide to divorce that the issue of child custody will not be a problem.

Answer 5

A healthy sex life is part of marriage, no matter what faith you follow. You are in a relationship that is not healthy and you should let it go. Love is one thing, emotional dependence to deceit (willing or subconscious) is another.

He either has psychical issues or emotional/mental ones that he is not addressing. His guilt tripping you is putting HIS problem on YOU and that is manipulative and wrong. He needs to look at HIS issues and work on HIM.

"You can't have a life WITH someone until you HAVE a life to share."

Divorce at this point is not an issue - it's the only choice. He MUST have known about his problem before you got married and thus married you under false pretense - or he is getting sex outside of the marriage. In both situations you are being deprived of the normal physical expression of the bond between married people.

The right thing issue - is it right for you to live the rest of your life with someone who is so dysfunctional? What if you want children that are biologically yours?

Sex is not dirty or shameful. It's normal and natural... and where you are now is neither.

Answer 6

I'm sorry for your situation.

It is difficult for me to advise you on whether or not you should leave your husband. While I don't usually believe in divorce, at this rate it doesn't even sound like you are actually married. You may want to try a trial separation first, or perhaps an annullment. If, after 8 years, the wedding has NEVER been consumated, you need to do something. This is fraud, at the very least.

I noticed you posted this in the "Religion and Spirituality" section. Have you talked to a priest or pastor about this problem? Your husband may not feel comfortable talking about it, but if he is at all interested in salvaging your relationship, he must!!!

One more thing: have you considered that your husband was the victim of sexual abuse as a child? That will REALLY throw a monkey wrench into things.

Talk to him at least one more time. Don't ask for sex, but ask him ABOUT sex: what he thinks about it, what he thinks of you, etc. Ask him why he wanted to marry you 8 years ago. Ask him about his childhood. Ask him if the 2 of you can talk to your family doctor about this. Ask him if the 2 of you can talk to your pastor/priest about this. Talk talk talk.

If he refuses to talk about it, it is probably time to go. Sex is not the only point of a marriage, but it is the one blessing exclusively retained for marriage, by God.

Answer 7

I have to give you the advice that I gave a friend some years ago.

1. It would appear emotional blackmail is at play here.
2. Whilst we care for human beings and partners, we cannot care for them more than our own well being.
3. It can not be acceptable that any fair minded person would accept that a sex less relationship is anything other than a friendship and he should be willing to either be friends or get out of your life totally.
4. You have to seriously consider his sexual orientation, unpalatable that that may be.

In summary, You have accepted that you are attractive to others and that must also be personality as well as looks. I would suggest that you do not waste another moment on somebody who is selfish enough to burden you with their own frailties and then compound it by blackmailing you into feeling quilty. He is not your child, or a child and he must seek help or you are going to end up a bitter and unfulfilled person. Alternately contact me.

Answer 8

Sex isn't everything. I know that's shocking to most people but it's the truth. If he doesn't want to have sex then replace it with something else you two would enjoy. Could be anything, up to you two. Before you try any further to work things out, you have to ask yourself, do you still love him. Ask him if he still loves you, to see if it's even worth trying for. Personally I think he is keeping something from you. Could be an affair, and is ashamed to have sex with you. Or maybe it was a childhood thing and he was sexually moltested, that's something that you wouldn't really want to tell anyone, wife or not.

Answer 9

I understand that sexual differences, or drastic changes of, can seriously effect an intimate relationship...and if this aspect of the relationship has become intolerable--no compromise option available--then it's time to move on...you or he have moved to a different path that the other is not happy being on...brought to a situation that one or the other is incapable of dealing with.

Divorce, no matter how hard you try to keep it as amicable as possible, is rarely "friendly" as it is occurring....only time will heal, if at all...but in our country, it is the only way to legally end a marriage relationship & it's joint holdings & responsibilities.

Since you are the one seeking to divorce, then you also must anticipate that if your partner sees no way to do otherwise, his last ditch efforts will turn to anger---this stems from his fear of being alone, plus his frustration of an issue he is dealing with personally...his unwillingness to open up or compromise positively is his choice, and you have no control of how he handles the ensuing results of that...you simply have to feel good about yourself, no matter how angry he becomes, remain understanding & compassionate--don't let it change the inner you, and move on with grace & dignity...confident in YOUR choice of the matter...Good Journey!

PS...if you're worried about the spiritual aspects of your decision...God loves you both equally, is interested in the spirit useage of our human choices, and the growth of being closer to Him as the motivation of such. How YOU are effected by an experience is what counts...and only YOU know about that, Love....Be wise, be loving, be You.

Answer 10

There's a lot of secrets in your marriage. And my guess is that he's carrying around a lot of shame, that's leaking onto you.

If the counseling hasn't helped, and you're not certain you love him or want the marriage to continue without change in the sexual arena, consider whether a separation for a time would help you both clarify what you want.

You don't have to make a decision quickly. You can take your time and weigh your options.

Answer 11

Obviously he just doesnt want to. Depends on how the rest of your relationship is. If it is very respectful, loving, and even playful, and he doesn't want it to end, then let the sex part go and take matters into your own hands if you know what i mean. Sometimes there are people who just don't want it (asexual), maybe that's just how he is? If it (sex) is very important to you and the other aspects of your relationship are not good, I would tell you to think about taking your next step to getting what you want. Ps, i would neverrrr beg. Even if he wanted to do it then the begging or nagging would take his desire away. Making an issue of it to a man will cause him to not really want it.