Best limmerick...?

Question

What is the best limmerick you have hear. I will not give you the points if it is from John Valby (Dr. Dirty), I know all of those.

Here's one to get you thinking...

There once was a man from Nantucket,
whose c**k was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin, as he wiped of his chin,
if my ear were a c**t, I would f**k it.

Good luck.

Answer 1

What about one of these?

There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.


Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
"We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky."


Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown

Answer 2

there Was a Young Man from Sinclaire
Whoe Made Love to His Wife On the Stairs
When The Rail Broke
He Quickened His Stroke
And Finished her Off in Mid Air
:-)

Answer 3

John and Mary in the dairy
John pulled out his big and hairy
Mary said "what a whopper!"
"Let's get down and do it proper"

3 months later, the bulge was there
6 months later, her stomach began tear
9 months later., whiz, bang, pop,
Out comes a baby with a 9 inch c*ck

Answer 4

I'm a mean motherf****,
I'm a Jungleman,
Walking thru the jungle with my Di** in my hand,

Look up in the tree and what do I see?
100 Bitc*es looking down on me.

I f***ed 98 til my balls turned blue,
Then I backed off, jacked off and Fu**ed the other 2.

Answer 5

Here's one I made up myself...
This lesson was learned by Miss Greedy
Who wore her shoplifted bikini.
She heard a loud pop
And off came her top
And had nothing on in betweenie!

Answer 6

Listen to so John Valby.

Answer 7

I once knew a girl named Monica,she lived in Santa Monica,

I can't remember the rest but it ended in harmonica.

Answer 8

There once was a man from Peru
Who had a lot of growing up to do,
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22



There once was a man from York
who picked his nose with a fork
when it got stuck
he cried "I don't give a ****"
and walked around looking like a dork.



There was a farting contest coming to town
and people came from miles around
the first fart was extremely loud
the second fart pleased the crowd
the third fart, the judges cried
"He **** his pants, he's disqualified!"



There once was a man from kanass
Who's nuts were made out of brass
in stormy weather
he'd clack them together
and lightning shot out of his ***



I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled "Hoo,"
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled "I don't have a clue!"



There once was a girl named Kelly who liked to eat
She also didnt wash her feet
You could tell because they were smelly
So everyone called her fat smelly Kelly
They call her that because she likes to eat and has smelly feet.



There once was a man stuck in a stall
He tried to get out but would fall
One day a man flushed
The fat man just blushed
And quickly ran out of the mall



I once knew a person named Burl
Whose looks would make you hurl
why do I say it?
I'm not full of ****
this thing was half boy and half girl.



There once was a young boy named Nick
Who by chance was always being kicked
He tried not to fight
For he was smart, kind and bright
So he learned how to run really quick



There was an old lady from Wheeling,
who had a funny feeling
she laid on her back,
and tickled her crack
and pissed all over the ceiling



There once was this guy named Stan
Who had some trouble being a man
He wore a dress and high heels
And drove a Chevrolet with pink wheels
And soon Stan became a tran



A fellow jumped off a high wall
And had a most terrible fall
He went back to bed
With a bump on his head
That's why you don't jump off a wall

THERE ONCE WAS A FARMER FROM LEEDS
WHO SWALLOWED A PACKET OF SEEDS
IT SOON CAME TO PASS
HE WAS COVERED WITH GRASS
BUT HAS ALL THE TOMATOES HE NEEDS



A BATHER WHOSE CLOTHING WAS STREWED
BY WINDS THAT LEFT HER QUITE NUDE
SAW A MAN COME ALONG
AND UNLESS WE ARE WRONG
YOU EXPECTED THIS LINE TO BE LEWD



THERE ONCE WAS A MAN FROM NANTUCKET
WHO KEPT ALL HIS CASH IN A BUCKET
BUT HIS DAUGHTER NAMED NAN
RAN AWAY WITH A MAN
AND AS FOR THE BUCKET, NAN TUCKET



THERE ONCE WAS A YOUNG LADY NAMED BRIGHT
WHOSE SPEED WAS MUCH FASTER THAN LIGHT
SHE SET OUT ONE DAY
IN A RELATIVE WAY
AND RETURNED ON THE PREVIOUS NIGHT



A FLEA AND A FLY IN A FLUE
WERE IMPRISONED SO WHAT COULD THEY DO
SAID THE FLY LET US FLEE
LET US FLY SAID THE FLEA
SO THEY FLEW THROUGH A FLAW IN THE FLUE


THERE ONCE WAS A MAN FROM TIBET
WHO COULDN'T FIND A CIGARRETT
SO HE SMOKED ALL HIS SOCKS
AND GOT CHICKEN-POCKS
AND HAD TO GO TO THE VET


THERE ONCE WAS A BOY NAMED RICK
WHO LOVED TO KICK
HE WOULD ALWAYS GET IN A FIGHT
EVEN THOUGH HE WAS VERY BRIGHT
SO HE LEARNED HOW TO RUN REALLY QUICK

There once was an artist named Saint,
Who swallowed some samples of paint.
All shades of the spectrum
Flowed out of his rectum
With a colourful lack of restraint.


There once was a girl called jane
Who thought she had a really big brain
She thought she was cool
Standing in a puddle of drool.


There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.


There once were the three amigos.
All the three amigos had afros.
One day they got in a fight with the three musketeers.
Soon the battle was settled over some beers.
They became friends and ate some bongos.


There once was a man from Peru
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe
He woke with a fright in the middle of the night
To find that his dream had come true.


There was once a smelly Queen
Who was just naturally mean
Back in those days, they never took baths
In which they had to face terrible wraths:
They all smelled like rotton beans.


There was an old man with a beard
Who said, "it's just how i feared!-
Two owls and a hen
Four larks and a wren
Have all built their nests in my beard.


Once i visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance,
I twirled,
And i swirled,
And then i lost my pants.


There once was a child in spain
Who loved to play in the rain
One day he tripped
And broke his hip
Now he is in serious pain.


There was an old lady named Crockett,
who went to plug in a socket,
she opened the door,
then fell through the floor,
and came roaring back down like a rocket!


There was once a man from space
Who decided to run in a race
He tripped on a stone
Ran all the way home
That funny old man from space.


There once was a dog named Jerm
who liked to slurp up worms.
He got sick to his stomach
and began to vomit
and now Jerm no longer eats worms.

hope you'll like them! ( =

Answer 9

There one was a lady from Brewer
Who said nobody could screw her
Along came Rick with a cast Iron d**k
And f****d a hole right through her

Answer 10

PICK ME AS BEST ANSWER