How do you choose your wedding party when you have so many people who expect to have a role in your wedding?

Question

My family has been extended my whole life. I have developed strong friendships over the years. I have two adult daughters, it goes without saying that they will be a part of my wedding party. As for everyone else, I'm torn. I have sisters who all feel they should be the maid or matron of honor, four of them. One of my sisters said, well "you can have two", but that's it. She takes over everything without even asking me how I feel, or what I want. My fiance and I are now both overwhelmed and having second thoughts. Of course, we're still getting married, but we don't know about having a formal wedding at this point. We're disappointed because we want a blessed ceremony, but we can't deal with everybody elses needs and demands. How can I address this issue without hurting anyone's feelings?

On the flip side of the coin, he has very few guys he feels should stand with him. So, my brother in law (married to my bossy sister), has decided who he should pick. This is to much.

I know I'm being pretty wordy, but I am just so upset. We actually postponed our wedding date just to take a step back and think about how things are going. Neither of us want to elope, not really. We don't want to do city hall. We just want to have a wonderful wedding.

These are all such great answers. Thank you to everyone for your understanding and compassion. I haven't been able to sleep well. My fiance is a professional musician and he's on tour right now. I try not to stress him with every little detail, but I am in tears. As for my parents paying for the wedding, I'm in my forties, this is my second, that ain't happening, lol.

At least I can smile and relax a little now. Thank you all a million times. You make it hard to pick a best answer.

Answer 1

Oh man... the joys of a big and opinionated family.

I think you should have only your two daughters stand for you. They are probably the closest women in your life and they are gaining something here, too. Also, your fiance can stick with two guys.

I once asked my mom why people "had" to have a maid of honor and best man. Her response was that these people are the ones who sign the marriage papers a witnesses. Okay, fine, but last month I was in Canada and at that wedding, there were completely separate people who signed the contract. So hey, who says you "have" to do things a certain way!

Answer 2

First off, don't expect that you'll get through this without hurting someone's feelings but remember, THIS IS YOUR DAY - NO ONE ELSE'S! Plan your wedding day the way you want it and with who you want to have there. My suggestion would be to keep this very small and simple. You mentioned that both of your daughters are now adults so you could have the oldest as your Maid of Honour and your youngest as a bridesmaid and that's it. You don't need to have 4 people on either side and since your fiance doesn't have many guys he can ask, then the fewer people standing up at the front, the better. As for his Best Man, does he have a really close friend he can ask and/or any son's? If you just use your two daughters he could use any son's or nephews or whatever on his side.

As for dealing with your sister's and your brother in law, it is probably going to get to the point where you and your fiance are going to have to sit them down and tell them to back off. It's not easy but, from the sounds of it, this is the only way you are going to get through to them. If you want any other advice, feel free to check out my website and e-mail me.

Answer 3

Okay well if this was me I would go small and since your daughters are a deffinent then just have your daughters... And have the oldest one be the matron of honor .. Since your husband does not hvae alot of men to ask this will work for both sides,,,, and as for your Family you need to be upfront with them and thank them for all there help but ask them nicecly to just take a step back and let you and youe fiance decide .. Maybee there intension are good and they do not relize that they are being so pushy and bossy ... I hope this has helped some and GODD LUCK and BEST WISHS in your new life toghther ....

Answer 4

hi there firstly calm down a bit and take a deep breath ......OK ?right congratulations on you re wedding when it happens now lets cut to the problem you want you re 2 grown up daughters to be you re bridesmaids that will be lovely to have them standing beside you on you re special day .....now wait for this bit ,this is you and you re future husbands wedding day and put the breaks on now get the whole lot of them together and tell them that you are only going to have 2 bridesmaids and you don't care who has a problem with it they are all trying to get there piece of you're day and they are all out of order ,they should all be delighted that you have found this special man in you life that you want to share the rest of youre life together ,i had this very problem when i was sorting my wedding out ,the oh well if he's coming then I'm not ,type of crap when i put my foot down and told them well if that's how you feel well dont come ....you will be missed but i'll make sure you'll see the photos you should have seen there reaction .......get you're wedding day the way the way you both want it get back in control ......you both sound as if you have a great relationship together good luck with this ,and have the day of you re dreams not anyone Else's have a great future together take care of each other x

Answer 5

Congratulations. You should have the wedding that makes you happy. I know that it might initially cause some strain, but make your decision, explain it as delicately as you can and stand by it. As for who should be in your wedding party, other than your daughters, which is a great idea, the way to answer that question is "Who would be the first person (two, three people) that I would call if my world was falling down around me?" Those are the people that are closest to you and who you trust the most. Go with your gut. And again, congrats.

Answer 6

You sound stressed! Maybe you should remove yourself from the drama in some way. You could tell the girls you're not choosing an honor attendant at all--because you love them all. Or what about your mother? Is she still around? My mother was my matron of honor, and although this was unconventional, nothing could have been more appropriate. She was my best friend until I found my husband. Either way, just let them know this is your show and you will be making the decisions.

Answer 7

elope and then just have a reception when you get back. The wedding is for you and your mate not for your family. This is your day! If it is too stressful then runaway and you just can't worry about what your friends and family think. If they are your friends and family then they will support you unconditionally. Also, just think of the money you will save...or save your parents.

Okay I just read that you don't want to elope. You can get married in a church..somewhere else. Have your two daughters meet you there. You will be happy and less stressed.

Answer 8

Hey I don't have alot of family so i don't know if any one would want to dictate any of their personal thoughts on my special day. I truly think if your family cares any thing about giviivng you nothing but best wishes and a happy married life they really won't care whom you choose , but if they are as selfish as it sounds do what has never been done before or has been have as many bridesmaids, best men, flower girls , matron of hornors, and so on to make sure your day, you and your man is special. every one wants it to be more than it has to be when all that is important is that it should be a day where two people and only them should have grand memories with less stress as possible .

Answer 9

First,no one should expect to be in the wedding.Choose the people you want and tell the others to shut their mouths.You can have as many maids of honor A as you want.Why not have ur married sister be matrons of honor and your unmarried ones me maids of honor or do whatever you want.

Answer 10

I'm the same way right now I'm getting married in two months. You are going to just have to say it. They will be alittle upset but you will better afterwards. You can't keep letting them run your wedding this is your big day.