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I divorced from my ex husband when my children were 3 and 1. He immediately got together with the woman he was cheating on me with and after a long (over 1 year) custody battle, he ended up winning custody. Not only because he told a ton of lies in court, but because he now had a two parent household and I had a single parent household.

My kids are now 10 and 12. I have every other weekend visitation and holidays. Lately they've been saying they don't want to come see me, because they want to play with their friends and do all the fun things their dad and step mom tell them they missed out on when they're with me. I try as hard as I can to make their time fun with me, but since I only have them 4 days a month, our time is obviously limited.

How do you handle it when your child tells you they don't want to see you? I love my children with all my heart and I'm torn-do I make them stay because I love them and want to see them any time I can, or do I let them go?

2006-08-18 15:50:09 · 19 answers · asked by helpplz 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting Parenting

I should point out- yes, there are lies told by the other side. I honestly don't believe it's from ym ex, but from the step mother. The kids have told me straight out that she's said I didn't have custody ebcause I didn't want them, that SHE carried them in her stomach, etc. The oldest looks a lot like me and the step mom tries everything she can to change her appearance- cuts her hair, colors it blonde (her color) etc. She is also letting them get away with murder so I look like the "mean one" if I have rules. They also make a lot more money than I do, so I can't buy boats and expensive cars and costly clothes. I don't make pennies, but they're spoiled over there and i can't compete financially. Because they are with me only every other weekend, they don't have those close friendships established with a lot of kids at my place. I've asked them if they wanted to invite any of their other friends over but they say no, I think they are embarrassed, most their friends don't know I exist.

2006-08-18 16:11:00 · update #1

I do go out of my way every time I have them to ensure we do at least one fun activity- go to the movies, go to golfland, go bowling, play board games, baking, shopping, etc etc.

Also, they do have their own rooms with 25" tv's, cd's, movies, games, toys, video game systems, etc. I didn't want it to seem like they are visitors in my home, even though it's only every other weekend. I have repeatedly told them how my door is always and will always be open for them at any time.

2006-08-18 18:12:41 · update #2

19 answers

I would suggest you call on your weekends and give them the option to join you for the weekend...if they say no, then yes, it will hurt, but don't give up, make sure they know that you are available...when it is your weekend again, call and ask them...never miss, always make sure that they know that you want to spend time with them but are giving them the option...you can also write them letters and express to them that no matter what you will always love them...its hard, but you can't force them to enjoy time with you, could be their father is filling their heads with lies and by you trying to fix those lies or undoing them it makes you seem guilty, let them come to realize on their own that you genuinely love them and want to spend time with them

2006-08-18 16:00:08 · answer #1 · answered by KnA 3 · 0 0

I know exactly what you are going through. Except I got the daughter & he got the son and mine are teens. Just tonight I went 45 miles 1-Way, to get my son for MY weekend. He was at the grandparents. I pulled into the NEIGHBORS drive & the old bat called the police & said I was trespassing! My son came out of the house, indignant & telling me the cops are coming and I am NOT going with you EVER!
The cop told the old bat never call 911 for nothing, again. Then he told me I cannot force my 15 yr old & since there are already criminal charges pending on his dad for refusing my visits. I don't need to go again, if he says he isn't coming, I just call the cops & they add it to the pending charges.
They bribe my son with money, if he stays there. They go to places I can't afford, they have no rules, eat out at every meal. All they don't have yet is the Step Mom so his mother (the bat) steps in to talk **** about me and fill their heads with lies. Don't give up on your kids. They need a Mom & all the X's money can't buy what you offer your kids.

2006-08-18 17:02:55 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

DON'T GIVE THEM ANY OPTIONS!!!! They are children. Any child would choose playtime over eating their green beans, right?? Yet we as parents have to make sure that they do the things that are beneficial to their health and development as well as allow for the fun.

By allowing your children to choose fun you in reality my be putting the exclamation point behind some of the things that your ex-husband's wife has been saying about you. A child can not think as an adult and would not be able to see that you "gave" them something (their choice) instead they would see (because you stated that they are already being told such) that you didn't care enough. They tend to forget what was going on at the time and what sticks out in their mind is that they haven't seen you in forever. (You miss one of your weekends and that's a whole month).

I understand your pain as an absent parent but please know that even custodial parents have to require quality time with their children (even at the expense of the child's "fun") lest they find themselves living with children they don't even know.

Don't sweat trying to impress them, and definately don't break your back trying to give them "another" material gift (sounds like they get a lot of material things from their dad). Instead give them something that dad and step-mom's money could NEVER buy and even bankruptsy or the Federal Government could NEVER take away, a piece of yourself. It may feel like you have to push at first, and you may get your feelings hurt, but be strong and never give up. Spend time telling them about when they were younger, feelings you've had, the feelings you have for them now. But just remember to keep anything about their father or step-mother that might sound negative to them as taboo, off limits, you don't have to make them feel as though they have to choose between you, reassure them that there is room in their lives for everyone.

Best Wishes and Good Luck to you!!

2006-08-19 18:58:18 · answer #3 · answered by Julie 2 · 0 0

Don't let them make the choice. Let them know that you will always be there for them and that you love them and would love to see them. But I think you need to force them to come to you. They will believe it is true that you didn't want them if you don't keep getting them on your weekends. Instead of trying to make things fun for them. Make plans to do things - go places - the zoo, museums, etc. Give them the opportunity to make friends at your place, invite some of the kids that are their age over when they are visiting. Good Luck. It seems like you are going to have a long hard fight on your hands. But they might remember you for not trying to change them and for setting the rules.

2006-08-18 17:03:22 · answer #4 · answered by mom of girls 6 · 0 0

Take them one at a time, then they can compare notes to see who had the most fun and decide who is telling them the truth. But seriously, your kids are of an age where they can decide for themselves where they want to go, whether you like it or not. There shouldn't be a competition between the parents for the children. If you maintain a good solid relationship with your kids now they will see it and appreciate it later on in life.

2006-08-18 16:02:31 · answer #5 · answered by Lynn K 5 · 0 0

I would not take it personally. They sound like they are at the age where they are more interested in being with friends then their parents. Ask one of their friends parents if they can stay the night over at your house. Let the 10 year old have a friend on Friday, and the 12 year old on Saturday. That way you get to see both of them and have the attention of one while the other is playing with their friend.

2006-08-18 15:58:43 · answer #6 · answered by Brad C 2 · 0 0

Boy do I feel your pain. My daughter is in a similar situation. Her boyfriend of 11 years cheated on her, is with the girl and will not let my daughter rest. He has more money, so when he has my grandaughter he takes her for swim lessons, ice skate lessons, buys, buys, buys....My daughter doesn't have that kind of money, and sadly that's what impresses kids.
Thankfully a judge did grant them joint custody. I would insist the children stay with you. You are their mother and one day they will thank you. If you don't, when they get older they'll always through it in your face about "you didn't really want us", you gave up to easy. Tell them, I know you want time with your friends, but there's plenty of time when you're with Dad". I'm your mom and I not only want to spend time with you, I deserve your time". Good luck and I'll keep you in my prayers...

2006-08-18 16:01:41 · answer #7 · answered by mystery_lvr 3 · 0 0

I had an excellent courting with my son's childrens up till about a three hundred and sixty 5 days in the past. He grow to be the happiest little boy. My son has subject matters with me and so he has desirous to terminate me as grandma. i'm the in uncomplicated words one. The others are all deceased. This has devastated me and my six-3 hundred and sixty 5 days grandson. We in uncomplicated words get to work out one yet another each 5 or 6 months now, inspite of the undeniable fact that the courting has suffered because it hurts a lot after we ought to assert so long. We both cry because we do not recognize after we are going to see one yet another back. We used to bypass camping out at the same time, have sleepovers, bypass to the park, bake cookies at the same time, and so on. Now i visit in uncomplicated words spend some hours at the same time at a time on the verify's abode in uncomplicated words. it is totally not person-friendly on both human beings. the more youthful grandson by no skill had those reviews so i do not recognize if he misses it or no longer. He does comprehend that his brother and that i have a particular bond at the same time. Will this be risky in the lengthy time period? i do not recognize, it saddens me that their dad and mom do not placed any fee on their childrens having a loving grandma. they don't opt to make investments the time or power to maintain the courting. i imagine this trend of wondering the nucleus nuclear relatives is adequate is destroying our relatives values in this us of a. each individual is too busy and imagine frequently of their personal needs instead of giving their children the bigger present of relatives. P.S. I had a small relatives yet did have a loving courting with my grandparents. i'm so grateful now that my dad and mom gave me this present. i visit treasure my memories continually.

2016-11-26 01:03:30 · answer #8 · answered by ? 4 · 0 0

This is very hard for any parent.

You must sit down with them and tell to their face that you love them and that no matter what has been said you will always love them, you have always loved them and you will always be their mother.

You can tell them that you can make them stay and that it would hurt them more or that they can go and hurt you even more.

Either way your going to have some pain to deal with and so are they.. they are old enough to hear how you feel - continue to tell them you love them and that it is hard for you to understand how they feel. Ask them about their feelings and realize they may say hurtful things - but what ever happens never stop loving them.

Don't say bad things about your ex - ever, at least not to them.

Best of luck.

MJ

2006-08-18 16:04:38 · answer #9 · answered by mjh3056 2 · 0 0

i know it would be really hard to hear that, but i grew up in a divorced household... it sucks cuz its like i felt devoted to spend time with my other parent and i got NO time for my friends... so let them have their friends once in a while, i mean, im not saying every time, but its really probably nothing against you, but they're in a stage in their life where friends are very important... tell them they can invite a friend over to your house or you can take them all to the mall or a amusement park, that way, youre compromising in a way... good luck, its a difficult situation..

2006-08-18 15:58:54 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

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