Anyone no any good funny CLEAN jokes? 10 Points!!!?

Answer 1

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time you were unfaithful to me, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"



An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"



A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replies "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTTWEILER "JESUS".



A kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts at the end of the year from her students.  A little girl who's daddy owned a meat shop, came up to the teacher, and handed her a box.  The teacher held the box above her head, and shook it.  Then she said, "I bet it's some beef jerky."
"Why, yes!" The little girl exclaimed. "How did you know?"
"Just a lucky guess..." The teacher replied
Then a little boy who's daddy owned a sweet's shop, came up to the teacher and handed her a box.  The teacher held it above her head, shook it and said, "I bet it's some sweets!"
"Yes it is! How did you know?" The boy asked.
"A lucky guess..." The teacher said.
Then a third little boy came up to the teacher.  His daddy owned a
liquor store.  The little boy handed the teacher a box, and as the
teacher went to hold the box above her head, she noticed it was
leaking.  She let a drop fall on her finger, and she tasted it.
"It's wine, isn't it?"
"No." The little boy said with a grin on his face.
So the teacher let a few more drops fall on her finger, and tasted it
again. "It champagne isn't it?"
"No." The little boy said with his grin getting bigger.
"Alright." The teacher said. "I give up.  What is it?"
The little boy then shouted... "IT'S A PUPPY!"




Three guys die and go to heaven, and God tells them, "You will each get a vehicle depending on how often you cheated on your wife." So the first guy says, "Never." and gets a minivan. The second guy says, "Sometimes." and gets a golf cart. The third guy admits, "More than I should have." and gets a motor scooter. Suddenly, the fisrt guy starts sobbing and says, "I just saw my wife in rollerblades."



A philosophy professor stood before his class. He picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life.
"The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The sand is everything else. The small stuff.
"If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you."

But then a student took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a can of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.
The moral of this tale is: That no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.



In a small town in England, there is a small store. And in the store is a magic Mirror of Truth. If you go up to it and tell the truth, you get a shiny piece of gold. But if you lie, you disappear.
A very ugly brunette came in, stood in front of the Mirror of Truth and said, "I think I am the prettiest woman in all of England!" And poof, she disappeared.
Next came a fat, redhead. She stood before the Mirror of Truth and said, "I think I am the prettiest woman in all of England." Poof! She disappeared!
Then a drop-dead gorgeous Blonde came into the store. She stood before the Mirror of Truth and said, "I think..." Poof! She disappeared.



Three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the Gates of Heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter himself.

"When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" asks St. Peter.

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children."

The last guy replies. "I would like to hear them say.... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!



A man was riding in his car when a patrolman pulled him over and said, "You've just won $5,000 for wearing your seatbelt in a safety competition. What are you going to do with the money?"
And the guy said, "Well, I guess I'll go to driving school and get my drivers' license."
Then his wife, who was sitting beside him said, "Don't listen to him. He's always cocky when he's drunk."
Suddenly a guy popped up from the backseat and said, " I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
Soon came a knock from the trunk, and a voice said in Spanish, " Are we over the border yet?"



An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady limping slightly with a cane slowly walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them and into a small room. The walls closed and as the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers lighted up above the wall. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction, and then the walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."



One day a blonde and a brunette were watching the 6:00 evening news. On the news was a boy at the top of a building getting ready to jump. The blonde says out loud "I don't think he will jump."
The brunette responds by saying "I'll bet you $5 he will jump."
"Well I bet you $50 he won't jump," the blonde retorts.
"You're on!!" says the brunette.
After some time the boy finally jumps. The blonde pays up. As the brunette is walking out the door she turns around and says "I can't take this money from you. I saw the whole thing on the 5:00 evening news."
The blonde says "So did I, but I didn't think he would do it again."



There were three construction workers working high on a skyscraper. During a lunch break, the 1st guy opened his lunchbox and said, "Yech, ham! Next time I get ham I am gonna jump off this building!"
The 2nd guy opened his lunchbox and said, "Yech, tuna! Next time I get tuna, I'm gonna jump off this building!"
The 3rd guy opened his lunchbox and said, "Yech, baloney! The next time I get baloney, I'm gonna jump off this building!"
The next day during lunch, all three workers opened their lunchboxes. The 1st guy got ham. The 2nd guy got tuna. And the 3rd guy got baloney. Without another word, the three men jumped off the building and plummeted to their death.
At the funeral, the mothers of the 1st guy and the 2nd guy were crying and blaming themselves. The mother of the 3rd guy, however, was laughing. "Why are you laughing?" the two mothers asked. "Your son is dead. It was your fault."
"No it wasn't," she explained, "He made his own lunch!"



A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children started to discuss the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
Then a third child brought the argument to a close...
"They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."



A cop saw a car driving erratically and pulled the driver over. "Sir, I need you to breath in this breathalizer for me," said the policeman.
The guy said, "I can't do that, office. I'm an asthmatic. If I do that, then I'll have a really big asthma attack."
The cop said, "Okay, then I need you to come down to the station with me and we'll do some blood work."
The guy said, "I can't do that either. I'm a hemophiliac. If I do that, then I will bleed to death."
The cop said, "Fine. Then I need a urine sample from you."
The guy replied, "I can't do that either. I'm diabetic. If I do that then my sugar will get REALLY LOW and I may die."
The cop then said, "Okay, okay! Then I need you to step out of the car and walk this white line."
The guy said, "Sorry, but I can't do that either."
The frustrated cop said, "Why not!?"
The guy said, "Because I'm drunk."



These two really dumb guys were walking along the beach one day. They had never been to a beach before and they were in absolute awe of all the seagulls. As they looked up in amazement, one of the birds took a dump on one dumb guy's head. "Oh my goodness," said the other. "I'll run back to the car and get some toilet paper!"

"Don't bother," said the splattered one, "I kinda think he'll be gone by the time you get back!"



Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat a young girl. The first man said, "I think it's WOOMB."

The second replied, "No, it must be WOOOOMBH."

The third said, "You both have it wrong -- it's WOOM."

The fourth stated, "No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB."

At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said, "Look. It's WOMB. That's it, that's all there is to it." Then she left.

Eventually, one of the farmers broke the silence by saying, "Well. I don't know. A young girl like that. I don't see how she could know. I'll bet she's never even heard an elephant fart!"



A man was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories.

A week later, the man was back at the doctor's complaining that his constipation had gotten worse, not better.

The doctor asked, "Have you been taking the suppositories?"

"What do you think I've been doing," said the fellow, "Shoving them up my butt?"



A man sat quietly reading his morning paper one Sunday morning. Suddenly, his wife enters with frying pan and smashes him over the head with it.
Man: "What was that for?"
Wife: "Why do you have a piece of paper in your pocket with "Daisy" written on it?"
Man: "Oh honey, don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Daisy was the name of the horse I bet on."
The wife was satisfied, and apologized for bonking him.
Three days later he is again sitting reading the paper when once again he is bonked on the head.
Man: "What's that for this time?"
Wife: "Your horse called."



Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.



A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence from the following words:
1. Deduct
2. Defense
3. Defeat
Nobody could think of a sentence. And then the dumbest kid in the class raised his hand and said, "I can do that - 'Dee duck jumped over dee fence and hurt dee feet.'"



Sven and Ole worked together, and both were laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.

Asked his occupation, Ole said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he said.

Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.

When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back into find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained: panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor.

"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on, Sven pulls on it and says, "Yep, diesel fitter."



Two Irishmen were in a lifeboat after their craft sank in a storm. After hours of floating aimlessly, one spotted an old lamp in the boat. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie appeared. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"




I hope u liked them.

Answer 2

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly

speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting
nervous

On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water
glass.

If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a
drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the
following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as
Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his
donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ***.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said,
"take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .
12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A- Dub-Dub
thanks
for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at
ST.Peter's
not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Answer 3

There was a white guy that was very sick and every doctor he seen couldn't help him. So he was talking to a friend and his friend told him to go see this indian doctor. So he did. He walked in and the doctor was petting his cat. He intorduced Himself and told the Indian his symtomes. Then The Indian told him to lay down on the table so he can examine him. The indian then picked up his cat and rubed it all over the white guy. The indian said ok im done That will be 100 dollars. The white guy said thats too much whats it for? the indian said well 50 of it's for me and 50 of it is for the Catscan.

Answer 4

Three guys died and went to heaven. St Paul was there looking down at the three of them, one is a reknowned mathematician, the other a great philosopher and the other one is an idiot.

Since heaven was packed, St Paul summoned the three of them that there is a test for each of them. They are supposed to ask Satan a question each and if the Satan can answer them, they will have to go to Hell. A seemingly awkward filtration system to heaven, but heck, it works.

So the mathematician having thought of a way to fool Satan stood up and ask Satan to write out the most complicated mathematical formula. Satan snapped his finger and out churned 100 papers in which all the most complicated mathematical formula known to mankind was written and well printed. The mathematician was doomed and hung his head as he traverses the bridge to hell.

Next, came the philosopher, and he too thought that maybe Satan was great in maths, but poor in philosophy, hence he summoned Satan to write him the toughest philosophical statement in history. Satan took a whiz of a snap and out churned 100 papers filled with different types of complicated philosophy from different cultures and in different language. The philosopher too hung his head in dismay and walked towards Hell.

Then came the idiot. He thought for a while and asked for a stool. In that stool, he poked 7 holes, 2 holes in the first row, 3 in the second row and 2 more on the last row. He then sat on it and gave out a loud fart, turned to Satan and asked him, from which hole did the fart came out from. Satan looked at him and gave a quick answer, I think it's the 2nd hole from the left in the 2nd row.

The idiot laughed out loud and said, NO Satan, you're wrong this time. The fart came out from my ASSEHOLE!

The idiot walked happily to the Pearly Gates...

Answer 5

3 ladies die and go to heaven. St Peter meets them at the gates and tell them, you can do anything you ladies want, just don't step on a duck. They looked all around, and there were ducks everywhere. The next day, one of the ladies steps on a duck. Here comes St. Peter with the ugliest man you ever saw, and handcuffed them together, and said "you will remain together for all of eternity." The other two ladies looked at each other, and said we will have to be more careful. A week goes by, and one of the two ladies steps on a duck. Here comes St. Peter again, with another ugly man, and handcuffs them together,and says "you will be together for all of eternity." The last lady looked all around, and there were so many ducks, she could barely see the ground. So for the next month she shuffled around careful not to step on a duck. All of a sudden St. Peter appears with the most beautiful man she had ever seen. He handcuffed them together and said "you will be together for all of eternity forever". The lady smiled and was so happy, wondering what she had done to deserve to spend all of eternity with such a handsome hunk. She looked up at him and asked "why do you suppose St. Peter handcuffed us together?" the man looked down at her, and said "I have no clue lady, all I did was step on a duck !!"

Answer 6

It was teacher's day at school one day, and all the children lined up to give the teacher a gift. The first little boy walked up to the teachers desk and she knew that his daddy owned the local flower shop. So she opens her gift and there was a box of... flowers! The next little girl in line walks up, and the teacher knew her daddy owned the local candy store. So, she opens her gift and there was a box of...candy! Well, the next little boy... she got kind of excited 'cause she knew his daddy owned the local liquor store. He brought his gift to the desk and it had a wet spot on it. She touched the wet spot and tasted it and said " Brandy"? He said, "No maam" She said "Champagne"? He said "No maam". She touched the wet spot again, tasted it, and said "What is it?" He said... "A puppy"!

Answer 7

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Norma Lee
Norma Lee who?
Norrmally I ring the door bell!


i thought it was funny

Answer 8

- Three guys walk into a bar. The fourth one used the door.

Answer 9

Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because he wasn't peeling very well!
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he didn't have any guts!

Answer 10

A snail goes to a car dealer, tells him he wants a special order: a nice red car with a big white "S" painted on top. "Why?" asks the dealer. "So when people see me go by, people will say, "look at that S car go!" (escargot...haha)

Answer 11

Your mama is so fat that when she took a trip to the Grand Caynon, she fell in and got stuck! HAHAHA!