Am I being selfish?

Question

I'm 26 & hubby is 31. He just told me last night we need to wait about 2 more years before we try to conceive (after he told me & both our parents last month that we would try this coming March). I started getting excited & so have our parents. The reason he wants to wait is because we are on a major savings plan for a house. He wants to put down a 40% down payment so our payment will be low on a big house. We've been renting a 2 BR apartment that is very small for 4 yrs. It devastated me last night when he said this and I cried a lot. He said that if I force him to get a house & have the baby instead of doing this plan he might regret this & he says I'm not willing to sacrifice & that I'm being selfish. He said he was ready for a house & a baby but wants to continue with this savings plan because it would be better for our future. I am really wanting a baby soon but I guess I'll have to wait! It's hard visiting friends that have houses & kids knowing we have to wait 2 years!!

We make $94,000 together so we are financially stable. Also I work at home 5 days/wk so child care isn't a problem.

Answer 1

I don't think you're being selfish at all. Especially since he'd gotten your mommy senses tingling by agreeing prior to the decision change. It's a woman's nature to want to have a baby. It's also a man's nature to want to be able to provide, don't be too mad at him. I don't care how much money you want to have, once the baby is there, things fall into place. Pray about it. Know that if God wants that baby there, you'll get your baby. Period point blank. In the mean time, nurture your marriage so you can make sure that IT'S stable, even moreso than your finances because it is ultimately what will make a big difference in your child's upbringing.

Be Blessed!

Answer 2

I am sorry to hear that . Look I am NOT going to try to make excuses for your husband. My husband pulled the same crap, but I am the one that is having a hard time conceiving because money or not I would of had at least 3 by now. Look when is the "right" time to have a baby? Will there EVER be enough money?? NO because no matter what ANYONE thinks kids cost a helluva lot more than we think. Your husband is wrong in making you feel guilty. BUT it is easy for us to tell you that, YOU are the one that has to lay with him every day. Since he is SO open the about the way he feels then let him know and if you had and he is not listening then there may be a problem. Having children is a 2 way decision. Be prepared for him to keep pushing back the date. I am sorry I pray that you will both get what you want. Just remember that YOU count too.

Answer 3

Of course the first reaction is to say he's being a jerk!

After all, you have wants.

And of course, so does he. The thing is here, he's getting his way. There should be some sort of compromise.

Can you afford a larger house payment? Buy the house now. Besides, interest rates are going up. It may be better to get a house now with a lower interest rate. If you wait two years, who knows where interest rates will be.

Secondly, it sounds like this isn't all about the house. For him to say that he might "regret it" if you get pregnant now (but in two years it'll be ok??) sounds to me like he doesn't WANT to have a baby, and he's using this house thing as an excuse.

You say you have to wait two years. And of course, it could take a while to conceive, it may not happen right away. Could take up to a year even if you are both healthy. And then of course nine months of wait. So you're talking about almost 4 years here.

I'm not saying either of you are right, but you do need to compromise.
How about save for one more year instead of two? Etc.

Answer 4

i wouldn't say ur being selfish it hard when you want a child and he wants a house because if you see the both of you are right yes you can afford a baby but at the same you need a house and money saved already cause there's house note insurance car note bills food you have to look at everything and the more you put down on a house is the best for you stick with your husband plan it will work out in the long run because once you plan everything out you and your family will happy with not to much worries make a deal with your husband try a year then try to get pregnant and when you become pregnant tell you still have 9 moths to get everything together so don't worry its going to work out because once your kids are here they cant go back

Answer 5

You are not the one being selfish. He is. Most likely you will never have enough cash to "afford" to have a baby. Four years of marriage is long enough to wait to have a baby. You really need to talk to him, keep the communication open and let him know how you feel. It's hard but try to do it without getting over emotional. Some men (not necessarily your husband) will put off having kids as long as their wives allow them. I'm sure it's hard to live in an apartment & visit friends with houses & kids, but don't compare yourself to anyone. Everyone's situation is different. It's admiral that he wants to save money, but waiting too long to have children will make it harder to have them. Can you find a compromise? Hope this helps. Good luck!

Answer 6

He's not ready and you should respect that. He is planning for your future together. It's not really being selfish, you're just upset and you're not seeing the whole picture. He's trying to make your life more stable and better for when you do have kids. Kids are very expensive, and you may not be able to get that house after you have a kid. Don't you want a stable environment for your kid(s) to grow up in? A house of your own, a little money in savings, etc. Listen to him. If you try hard now to save money all the time, then maybe you can have that kid sooner.

Answer 7

I do not believe that you are being selfish. If your husband said that you would try in March, then he should keep his word, if he is having second thoughts then he should discuss it with you. On the other hand, having children are very expensive, if you have a child now, you may have to delay purchasing your new house and stay in your apartment for another year or two. You need to decide which is more important to you, your home or your baby, then you need to talk about it with your husband to see if you are in agreement or if you can make a compromise.

Answer 8

Personally, I think your husband is a very wise man. Babies are very expensive and the more you can put down on the house, the more money you will have for your children and their education. They will have high school, sports, etc, and a big house payment will stand in the way of vacations (which all your friends will be taking) Another plus to his thought is (since you seem to be influenced by your friends) is that their home will be dated in a couple of years and yours will be the newest style. (Personally, I don't think that matters--enjoy your friends children) As a wise guy once told me when he was 34 and unmarried---"Well, I felt left out when my friends got married, then I felt left out when they had their babies, and now they are all getting divorced and I find I am in better shape than them". Life is a strange machine and sometimes we should count our blessings by living in the moment and enjoying what we have. I pray you have beautiful babies and a wonderful life, but you are still very young and have plenty of time. Now in 2 years if your husband stalls, I would take a different approach to this situation. There is nothing more painful that to have babies and not be able to provide for them in the way you want. Blessings

Answer 9

How big of a house is he really wanting to buy??? Most people put 10-20 % down when purchasing a house. Why not purchase a smaller home...one big enough to start a family. Continue to save to purchase a larger home. That way you aren't throwing money out the window on renting. Then when you are ready you can sell the first house or rent it out, and purchase your dream home. I don't think your being selfish.

Answer 10

Ask him this: What happens if in 2 years, we have trouble conceiving? What if I can't get conceive right away? We'll have wasted two whole years! Believe me, there's ALWAYS something coming up to delay it, there's NEVER the perfect, exactly right time, so you may as well do it now. Or, maybe make a deal that after 1 year you'll start trying, compromise a little? I can understand his wanting to save money, but really, a tiny infant isn't going to care if his or her crib is in a studio apartment or a mansion! :)