What to do about my teenage daughter?

Question

I'm a divorced father of three, this summer I found out some things about my 14 year old daughter that were to say the least disturbing. I found out that her mother has had her on birth control since she was 11, her mother would take my daughter to parties and leave her there, the birth control was in her words "so she didn't get pregnent if she got raped". She has a boyfriend of 18 for the last 4 years. Her mother gives her total freedom. They live 700 miles from me. During her stay with me she snuck out of the house at 1am and went over to my neighbors house woke his son up went down stairs and according to him almost raped him, they had sex. The next day he goes around the neighborhood bragging of his conquest. Thats how I found out. I have always been a good father to my kids. I trusted my kids. All this news has broke my heart and very hard to handle. I'm looking for advice....

Answer 1

Here is one more opinion to the mix...
Communication is the key. If she can trust that you love her no matter what.. not agree with her actions but love her unconditonally dispite her actions. Respect her decision because it is her life and body because you can not stop her from having sex so respect the fact that she has decided to because she needs to know that you are worthy of her trust. But you have to know it is her ultimate decission.That makes her accountable for her actions.
That puts you in a postion where you will be heard and then can be of a good influence.then you can have an influence on her to show her good moral values and that she is worth more than what she beleives she is worth When you have that trust and communication, then you can tell her "your reasons why" you feel she should not have sex. If you respect her first, she will want to make you proud of her.
Throwing stones will only hurt the situation.
Remeber the keys:
Love-Communication-Understanding-Respect-Trust

Answer 2

I am also a single mother. My daughter is 19 years old and as far as I know she is not currently sexually active, but to say the least I understand how you feel. I can also understand your heartbreak in finding out the way that you did. At this point the best you can do is talk to her and warn her about the dangers of unprotected sex. Her mother is sending a different message and if you fight against that you may loose your daughter to what is easier, which is glorifying the lifestyle her mother has allowed her to live. You don't have to act like you agree. You can even tell her it hurts you that she is already active, but what you can do is talk to her and be there for her. Warn her from a man's perspective about what she is doing to her body and what many boys think of fast girls. She may not see it now, but as time goes by she will appreciate what your teaching her. Be patient and if you have faith, be very prayerful too.

Answer 3

There's nothing inherently wrong with sex. Everyone has urges and desires and there's nothing wrong with purseing them, even for a teenager. She's lucky she has a mom who's so responsible to put her on birth control and to teach her to not feel auilty and embarrassed about sex and her own feelings. Perhaps that boy next door was someone she has thought about for years. Sure it's hard for you to let go of the little girl she once was, but you have to be an adult about this. As long as no one is getting hurt, she's still in school, doesn't have VD, doesn't party 24/7, then the mere fact of her having sex isn't causing harm.

And to the person who says the 18 year old should be locked up, obviously you've never met a boy before. No one this age could ever possibly reject some beautiful girl wanting to have sex with him. It's physically impossible! To put someone in jail for a natural bodily function is a sick horror that no one should stand for! You're the one with the problem.

Answer 4

Well while she is with you you should keep a close eye on her and take her to like a center where she can get help and you should also take that mother to court and raise your children on your own and make the mother suffer cause that child is under no control who would take their 14 year old daugther and leave her at a party and she was almost raped her mother is crazy and you also need to talk to her about her life be the boss in the family and take charge.

Answer 5

i'd call child protective and explain to them what's going on. have them make an unnanounced visit when u think ev.one's home so she'll get an idea of what the environment's like. keep notes of everything that happens concerning ur daughter so u have proof to back it up. bring this to the attention of the judge that decided who got custody and tell him that ur ex is an unfit mother. she is still underage and both the mother and boy-friend can be charged with a felony concerning a minor. offer to take parenting classes or better yet , just do it. offer to take ur daughter to counseling sessions cause u don't know what all she might be exposed to at ur ex's house. in other words, do whatever it takes to show that u're serious about taking care of ur daughter so that the authorities will rule in ur favor. good luck.

Answer 6

It is hard for you to be the person to deal with it since they are so far away, but bring child services in on it. If her mother was putting her in situations where she might be raped instead of trying to protect her then she definately doesn't deserve to have her.

Get your daughter some counseling. She is probably acting out due to the fact that she rates so low on her mom's list that it tears her up inside and she thinks that having sex means that someone cares about her.

Get professional help for her asap!

Oh yeah, kudos for taking the inititive. Try not to blame yourself. You can't really be in the mix from 700 miles away.

Answer 7

Wow, I'm sorry for you're going through, but unfortunately the same-sex parent is usually the most influential. If the mom is encouaraging this behavior, you'll have to hope that your daughter eventually grows up and realizes that what she is doing is not good. She is only 14, so she's "finding" herself right now. Give it some time, and talk to your daughter about how you feel. You might be surprised at how much she'll listen to you. Good luck.

Answer 8

That makes me frustrated for you, just reading this question. There's not much you can do 700 miles away, so I recommend contact your attorney to find out what steps you can take to have her come live with you. Whatever it takes..even if that means you still pay your ex child support on her behalf, but she lives with you. I know, that sounds like a bad idea, but I have a feeling your ex would respond to a deal like that (possibly without going to court), so why not do what you truly think is best for your daughter, and if you think getting a handle on her behavior/future would be better done if she lived with you, then you do what you gotta do.

Answer 9

all this sounds really serious, I think the first thing I would do is make sure she lives with me, so that I can take care of her; I've always been for children staying with their mother in case of divorce, but in this case you have good chances (I mean in court) to get her into your care, and you really should - as things are at the moment you have no chance whatsoever to actually decide on how your daughter is brought up, and you have no control over what she does.

if/when you are her legal guardian, you can bring her up in a more appropriate way, and eventually take her to a children psychologist, they should know how to deal with this;

about her boyfriend, I'm not sure whether this is legally allowed, if he's over 18, and she isn't .... isn't this something like child abuse?? perhaps you should speak to your lawyer, he/she will know better!

hope you find a good way to solve this, I honestly wouldn't want to be in your shoes! good luck!

Answer 10

I hate to say this to you because you sound like you really love your daughter, but often when a girl is very sexual at a young age it is because she is looking for male affection to replace her father. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing that she is on birth control, but you need to make sure she understands the importance of using a condom EVERY TIME and that she knows you love her despite the decisions she has made that you don't approve of. The person who suggested therapy is right, too. Have you considered filing for custody?