I need cheering up doe anyone have any good jokes or good websites i can look at ten points for best answer?

Answer 1

Hunting trip story

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
"As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang,bang'."
Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. "Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Answer 2

check this out

EVE'S *SIDE* OF THE STORY











After three weeks in he Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve. Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc......she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more symmetrically balanced," as she put it.

That is a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve how is my favorite creation? Just fantastic, she replied, but for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone. God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you.

Now let's see.....where did I put the useless t!t?"

Answer 3

A fire broke out in the middle of the ocean,
A blind man saw it,
A deaf may heard it,
And a man with no legs ran 2 get the fire brigade,
This tale was told at the corners of the round table,
Admission free,
Pay at the door,
Pull out a chair,
And sit on the floor.

Answer 4

Try Hello Crazy or Wicked Moon

Answer 5

You read these fundamentals of life:

1. Money is not everything. (There are 'Master Cards' 'Visa Cards').

2. One should love animals. (They are so tasty).

3. Save water. (Drink wine).

4. Love your neighbour. (But don't get caught by her husband).

5. Every one should marry because happiness is not the only thing in life.

Answer 6

I got 2 jokes for you...

1st joke:
There are 2 men walking in the woods and then suddenly one of them fall down a hole, stop breathing and their eyes have rolled back to their head. The other man,in panic, phones the emergency service and says: "My friend is dead! What do I do?" The emergency service operator says calmly to the man:"Okay, first...make sure he is dead!". There is a short silence and then a gunshot is heard. The man says: "Okay, now what?"

2nd joke:
There's a kid in class who always needs to go to the toilet and on day, he's in class and says to his teacher: "Miss! I need to go to the loo!" The teacher is extremely annoyed by this and decides to do something about it. She then says: "Okay, you can go, but tomorrow when you need it, you must tell me the first 4 letters of the alphabet and then you can go." So that night, the little kid asks his dad the 1st letter of the alphabet, and the dad is watching the rugby game and says: " Get lost!" The little kid then asks his big sister who is listening to her iPod for the 2nd letter of the alphabet and she just sings: "Yeah, Yeah, Yeah" He then asks his 5 year old twin brother for the 3rd letter of the alphabet. Now his brother is in a batman suit and says: "Nah,Nah,Nah,Nah BATMAN!" Then the kid asks his little baby sister who is playing in her car what the 4th letter of the alphabet is and she says: "In my little brum-brum car!" The next day, the kid says: "Miss! I need the toilet!" The teacher asks for the first 4 letters of the alphabet and the kid says:
"GET LOST!"
The teacher is very taken aback and says, "Do you want a detention?" The kid then replies: "Yeah,Yeah,Yeah!"
The teacher then says: "Who do you think you are?"
The kid then replies: "Nah,Nah,Nah,Nah Batman!!!!"
Then the teacher asks, "How do you think your going to get out of all this mess?"
The kid then says....
"IN MY LITTLE BRUM-BRUM CAR!"

Answer 7

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table and he looks
into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he
squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks
into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?"
he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with
you idiots?

It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put
everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the
newspaper and croissants.
It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned the litter boxes,
gave the cats their food, and refilled their water.

And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and
grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm
only going to say this once....

I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET !!

****************************************************

A frog went into the bank and went up to the cashier. He could see from her badge that her name was Patty Whack.

Can I help said Patty, Yes please said the frog my name is Kermit Jagger I would like to take a loan out for £20,000.

Do you have any collateral said Patty.

Yes he said and produced a small but perfectly formed ceramic elephant.

Patty took it off him and said I will be with you in a moment, and off she went to the managers office and said
There is a frog outside called Kermit Jagger and he wants to borrow £20,000 but all he could give me was this elephant, any idea what it is?

Of course said the manager..

Its a knick knack Patty Whack
Give the frog a loan
His old man's rolling stone.

Answer 8

Bollox.net is very funny, it's got jokes, riddles and funny photos- will definitely cheer you up!

Answer 9

Two monkeys were getting ready for the bath. First monkey gets in and says " ooohhh ahhhh oohhh aahh" (you know monkey sounds). the second one says" do you want some cold water in there then?

Answer 10

here's the link where u can find loads of funny jokes. but be aware, there might be some indian stuff in it..go to jokes by category at the bottom, reallyhttp://www.teluguone.com/funtime/ cool these ones: